Heaven's BBS | Text

[deniles]

Posted: 22 April 2016
From: Anonymous

Are you bored?

Me too. Let's have some fun.

I'd like to say I'm somewhat of a relationship expert, so I'd like to answer all your relationship problems.

Why? Boredom mostly. I'm giving you guys a gift so don't waste it.

Well. Send them in. And if you need a name, call me Relationship Guru.

[ooc: Niles will be giving intentionally bad advice because he's still an asshole at heart, so just keep that in mind!]

Comments

[Anon Text]

[lighthousekeeper]

Are gods and shinki allowed to have relationships at all?

[Anon Text]

[deniles]

Yes, but only if you tell it to everyone you meet. That way, you won't get erased.

Cause the higher ups will eliminate you if you keep it private.

[lighthousekeeper]

That doesn't sound right at all!!!

[anon]

[missingache]

How long are you supposed to wait before moving on from a relationship you had?

[anon]

[deniles]

3 days or if you find someone attractive enough to bed, which ever comes first.

[anon]

[missingache]

3 days? Why so fast? And is the bed thing like sleepovers?

[Anon Text]

[lighthousekeeper]

Don't listen to that person above! They're being mean by giving bad advice.

[Gotta protect the power of love and her faith in romance novels.]

[Anon Text]

[missingache]

Why would someone do that?

[Anon Text]

[deniles]

No one asked you for your opinion. You just chose not to listen to me, that's your own fault.

[anon text]

[oathkeeper]

how long should i wait before i tell the person i like i like them? and how do i make it not weird? and should i even say anything because they might not even like me back? what if they like someone else, should i still tell them i like them or...?

[Enjoy 1000 questions from a god of love that should know these things.]

[anon text]

[deniles]

1. Do it today
2. Don't stutter, just say it
3. Say it anyways
4. Still say it, it can't hurt
5. Just do it right now, dear god.

[anon text]

[oathkeeper]

but i'm pretty sure they like someone else, so aren't i just gonna embarrass myself? what if they hate me for it? i still want to stay friends.

[probably anon]

[punchpass]

How do you get your god to like animals?

[anon]

[deniles]

Cover them in animals.

[punchpass]

I don't have enough animals.

[redotiertwo]

man i have seen some romantic advice trainwrecks in my time
or i probably have anyway
but this
this is some transcendentally shitty advicemongering
you just got fireworks for your hot date to enjoy and then accidentally blew said date to kingdom come cause you just realised you actually had no fucking idea what you were doing the whole time
or got your cute romcom meetup happening sharing some sweet gift chocolates and then your date drops dead because it turned out they were allergic to nuts the whole time and you didnt check the box
point is im torn between wanting to see how many people you manage to fuck over out of morbid curiosity and just hanging my jaw at either the spectacular incompetence or spectacular douchebaggery happening here

[deniles]

Too long, didn't read, please try again.

[anon text]

[slantedcross]

I'm all for making love interesting but you are genuinely setting out to ruin everything you touch, aren't you?

[Strangely, he doesn't mean it to be accusatory. It's more of a detached awe.]

[anon text]

[deniles]

Nonsense. I'm trying to honestly help people out here, and they simply don't listen.

[fail anon]

[saikusu]

[Saïx meant to put it anon, but he doesn't realize it posted under his name until it's too late.]

I'm having difficulty getting along with my god's first shinki. He has a stony demeanor and communicating with him has proven challenging. Do you have any advice for getting on his good side?

[anon]

[deniles]

[Well, what to say. If he says something rude that gives him away, all the fun of this will be over and he's sure to get scolded again by someone.

But he has no interest in getting along with anyone else. He can't even get along with his god.]

For starters, don't force the conversation at all. If he doesn't want to talk, don't talk to him.

Wait until he seems more interested in talking and then go from there.

However, there may be other issues you aren't aware of. Unless you want to problem solve, just keep to yourself as much as possible.

[fail anon on purpose]

[pachintoki]

[after reading a lot of the replies, Gintoki has a bit of an inkling as to who this anonymous might be. Maybe it was the idea of teaching sex ed again, but he's pretty sure he knows.]


i cant stop thinking about someone i met recently.

[still anon nice try]

[deniles]

Then I suggest you make a romantic move.

Message them asking them for a date.

Or sex. Whatever your preference is.

[jocularly]

Ha! Good luck to ye. Yer probably going to read a lot of interestin' tales!

[deniles]

Oh, I wish they were more interesting. Everyone's so boring.