thefarshore | HEAVEN'S BBS

[Hazel might be showing mercy by looking away, but right now Jae-Ha wants to look at him. He worries that that feeling might be a bit much, a bit too needy, and so he glances away himself, loosening his grip a little on Hazel's hand. So he's not death squeezing, mostly.]

Isn't it our business, too?

[Anyone can disappear... He said it, he sort of said it aloud!! There's no helping it, though. He knows... But knowing that doesn't help remove any of the guilt or bad feelings. He just can't stop feeling responsible. He was like a brother... And wasn't he the older one, supposed to look out for things like this? He should have found a way. He should have done a bit more, or been there with him during it, or something.]

[Ugh, why did he have to go and say it? Now there's no avoiding it, and while that still doesn't get Hazel to look up again, he does twist to wrap his free arm around Jae-Ha's. Ugh.

Thinking about things. Pass.]

Don't twist it around, y'know what I meant.

[About feeling bad for things he couldn't have helped...!! That thing!]

Besides, if I'm kicked outta this hellhole, you're comin' with me. I'm not lettin' it go some other way. [he's....determined!! somehow]

[Now there's such clear fear in the middle of all of this sad, and he can't do anything to shove that out of the way right now. This arm around him is a comfort, as is the hand in his own, but it's so nice that of course he has to wonder how long he has it here. He tightens his grip on Hazel's hand, pulling him as close as he can be in this little seat on the porch swing.]

I kept worrying about growing so close to someone for reasons similar to these ones.

[Reasons like... them leaving, or one of them leaving too soon. He gets the feeling that it was similar before, but he can't think on that too much, either. There's just the emotion. He doesn't cry, because crying is something that he probably found useless a long, long time ago, but there is that overwhelming wave of emotion that usually comes with crying.]

If we continue to avoid thinking about it, doesn't that just leave room for it to continue happening? I have to look for an answer. I'll try my best to find one.

[Well, that gets him to look up, at least. With that kind of emotion suddenly hitting him, he has to look up and wonder if Jae-Ha is crying. He really doesn't want to have to deal with any of this; not the thought of one of them leaving the other behind, not any of it. It sure was easier to ignore his problems before someone else was involved in the fallout, huh.

He sighs, curling his arm a little further. Hey.]

Didja try prayin'? [flatly... he could be in a better mood.] I guess you're right. Just don't let me catch ya doin' somethin' stupid.

[That whole literally getting up and running away together plan is looking so much more appealing, suddenly...]

[The arm curls and he can lean a little closer because of it, sighing out slowly as he tries to calm himself down. It works to cut down on some of these feelings, at least. He can bury some of them back to manageable.]

We have actually been answering prayers here, haven't we? Then we can answer our own. [So. Maybe he will pray!! In some sense of the word.] I'm still right here.

[He takes another moment to breathe in slowly, and then on the shaky exhale he's another step under control. He's got this, just like usual, shove it back and tell himself he's calm...]

I'm sorry that you have to feel all of this. Normally I can handle this a bit better, but...

[Hmm, it's marginally more disturbing when it's someone else doing that with their problems, isn't it? Especially when he can feel it... He tugs on Jae-Ha to get him to lean back some, at least try to be some sort of comfortable...]

I've told ya before not to worry about that, so never mind. [Is it weird and inconvenient? Yes, very, but if the alternative is Jae-ha being an unfeeling, unresponsive thing— Hazel's seen one of those "soulless" shinki, finally, and it was... creepy.

Don't turn creepy trying to control feelings for his sake, basically.] I can tell when you're lyin' to me.

But I'm so honest.

[He leans back with ease, settling a little more with Hazel as he squeezes his hand again. Alright... There's no winning with this, is there? He tries to relax rather than force himself into normal so much, and so there's this strange balancing act of back-and-forth until he's stable with it all.

One of the dragons is gone, and he has to look after the other two. That's all he can feel, and it's more than a feeling in a gut, but a burning in his leg, too. How strange. Along with the sorrow that Kija is gone, that he has his text messages and pictures to remember him by, but that he likely won't be able to find his phone or him again. Things like that... he doesn't know what to do about it.]

...Telling me that you'll take me with you if you're kicked out was nice to hear. I'll hold you to that.

[He's so bad at comforting... his physical presence is the most he can offer, as flat and pessimistic as his words are. But it wouldn't feel right to tell Jae-Ha something he didn't honestly believe to be true, just to make him feel better about his missing friend; anyone else, sure. Jae-Ha is privileged, if it can be called that.

He wiggles his arm around Jae-Ha more securely, because he can at least do that much.]

Well I meant it. I'm not about to settle for leavin' ya behind.

[His words might be more brutally honest than someone comforting might be, but Jae-Ha actually appreciates that. He doesn't want to be treated like a child. He doesn't even want to acknowledge that he's as upset as he is, so Hazel being more honest with him makes him feel a little less weak. At the same time, his closeness is the comfort he needs to not feel completely alone, too. To him, it feels like such a nice balance.]

Thank you. [He says that so warmly that his affection is very clear. He appreciates this.] I enjoy just having you by my side while I look into this. Do you mind staying with me for now?

[While he checks his phone, he means... Stay right there with him while he looks at all of this, is that okay?]

[Ah yes, this will definitely teach him to improve his comforting skills... He's so good and emotionally available, it's great. Shifting again in the wake of all of that obvious affection - gosh - he looks at Jae-Ha thoughtfully. Honestly, what kind of question is that? Of course he's going to stay here.]

Fair warnin', I'm likely to fall asleep sittin' here. That's no fault of yours, but do ya know what time it is?

[That part is kind of Jae-Ha's fault, but anyway, just don't get offended if he just conks out abruptly.]

[Jae-Ha will gladly correct Hazel on his comforting the moment he is like this with anyone else. Right now, it seems fine... He knows the meaning behind it. Ah, that point sure does make him feel bad, though. He knows Hazel isn't blaming him, but Jae-Ha seems perfectly capable of blaming himself for not shielding that reaction enough.

He could apologize, or explain himself, but both of those things won't do much for either of them.]

If you could sleep through this, I'd only be glad. Are you comfortable? I'm fine, so move if you need to. [Get cozy!! Please... If Hazel can get more sleep, he'd only be glad.]

[Do you mean... he can't be an asshole to everyone?? That seems fake? But next time someone provokes him to be a total jackass, they can talk about it - for now he sure is going to get cozy, as much as he can. It's difficult to get totally comfortable here when Jae-Ha is still so upset - the swing is super comfortable, but his poor sad bf...

Eventually he settles in, letting go of Jae-Ha's hand to wrap both arms around his waist. Well, this will have to do.]

I don't mind if ya wake me up. [Just saying... he probably wouldn't be able to sleep through another onset of crisis, but don't try letting him.]

[Those cute words... Jae-Ha keeps one arm loosely around Hazel as the other holds his phone, so he smiles down at him once he's finally in place.]

I'll wake you if I need you, don't worry. [He won't hold back and slip away, this time. So, he lets Hazel relax and focuses on his post for a bit more. That's fine and well for a while. He's not overly emotional like he was at the beginning, but he is extremely worried and still depressed. It's more of a constant thing than any sudden dips, so maybe it would be easier for Hazel to sleep through.

After a long while, he has to take a break from reading all of this. He sets his phone down on the bench beside him, bringing that hand to also curl around Hazel. Maybe he'll take a little bit of a nap, himself. If they're holding onto each other like this, it's easier to believe things will be fine.]

[Hazel hums, but besides that, he has nothing left to say before he falls asleep. It's not the most restful of sleeps, still, but that could just as easily be from it being the chill of morning while they're out on the porch as anything. It's probably not Jae-Ha's sad fault!

But eventually he will wake up again, and blink at Jae-Ha sleeping here with him, and try not to move so very much for his sake. He could wiggle out of here and go fetch his own phone, to see if anyone was remotely helpful to Jae-Ha on the internet (ha), but again: not moving... Thankfully Jae-Ha's phone is right here.

He will be perusing these over Jae-Ha's shoulder now, with the new way he's draped an arm around him. Hmm, illuminating!! (no)]

[For a few minutes, Jae-Ha doesn't even notice because Hazel moved so little. This is what he gets for falling asleep sitting up so perfectly with his phone still right there. But after those few minutes, he catches on to the difference in Hazel's breathing and the small movements, blinking awake and glancing first down at the phone. Oh.]

Have there been any new answers?

[No, not since he fell asleep and stopped answering, it seems. No one has been able to help, there's that Loki person he mentioned before, and the other two dragons got him to say some pretty depressing things. That's about it.

Good morning.]

[Hazel is reading, and trying to hold the phone and scroll down the post with one hand, so he doesn't notice Jae-Ha has woken up until he speaks. Good morning, sunshine... This is depressing. He sighs with a tiny shake of his head.]

Nobody knows a thing, it looks like. Is this the one that messes with your head?

[He wiggles the screen up and down with his thumb, to indicate this Loki creep. He seems like a creep! Wow!]

[That news is expected, but it doesn't stop him from feeling painfully disappointed at it. Really, no one knows a thing about this. But it's been happening so much, for so long... He leans his head to rest against Hazel's with a small frown in response to the gesture. Hmm, yes, he'd been bothered by getting a reply from him at all...]

Yes, that's him. [He seemed a little too interested in his ability to sense other dragons, and way too uncaring about Kija, of course.]

[Ugh, stop, he feels that. There isn't much closer he can get to Jae-Ha right now but he shifts like he's moving closer anyway, just for the gesture. Shh, he's here, things are not as bad as they could be.]

Not very interestin', is he? [like, cryptic suggestions that Jae-Ha's friend is twice dead or kidnapped or something? Where is the Proof(tm)??]

Not in the way I'd like, at least.

[There's discomfort at that, too, and the memory of not feeling any worry at all where he should have. He just thinks back on the things said to him back then, occasionally. It's hard to know why...]

I wouldn't have replied, but I was afraid that would lead to him trying to find his answers on his own. [Like, with mind stuff. No thanks. Reaching with one of his hands, he helps to support the back of his phone with his palm so they can both see it better.]

If anyone did know what happens to the people who vanish, they likely wouldn't share that information. Maybe it was foolish to try and ask. [He feels dumb for a post for the first time ever, his real initiation to the internet.]

[What a bizarre person... He should get a real hobby, Hazel thinks.]

Could've been. [That is a really good point, actually, is getting angry on the network going to come back to bite one or both of them in the ass? That would suck, but it wouldn't be a surprise, really. Once again, he doesn't have the social acumen to tell Jae-Ha it was worth it just to try.]

Well, it's done now. No takin' it back, I s'pose.

[No taking it back. That's not what he wants to hear, no... But it's not that he just wants to hear things that are fake, either. He doesn't know what he wants. Dropping his hand away from the phone, he shifts forward a little. It ends up ruining how close they are as he pulls away just enough to lean forward, resting his elbow on his leg and his forehead down on his palm. There are just so many places where things went wrong that he could have prevented.]

[Oh, there he goes. Hazel frowns, because of course he does - he doesn't like seeing Jae-Ha like this, or feeling his sadness, or any of it... Why couldn't things just be easy and never go wrong? That would be nicer.

He lowers the phone slightly, then puts it down on his own lap to reach over and put his hand on Jae-Ha's knee. Talk to him before he says more dumb shit trying to help...]

The worst part may be that these aren't just my feelings. It doesn't feel as simple as that.

[He speaks up out of nowhere, turning his face a little to look over at Hazel's hand on his knee. He feels this horrible tugging at his heart from so many directions.] It must be similar to how you can feel my sadness. I hate it.

[He drops his hand away from holding his chin up, and places it over Hazel's instead.] But he was still the one who stopped me from running away in the beginning.

[Well... that weird dragon thing can't really be helped, can it? It's odd, it's not something most people here experience completely outside of the bond between shinki and gods, so...

He doesn't know what to say to that, so he just squeezes Jae-Ha's knee and leans closer.]

You're rightly sad to miss him, make no mistake. [dragon stuff... hmm] I'm not sure how close it is, though— your friends have somethin' truly unique about y'all, don't ya?

[The leaning closer helps. Jae-Ha leans into him, curling his fingers more around Hazel's hand as he frowns.]

We four dragons... I have no idea why, but we have an unbreakable bond. I'd like to make guesses, but just saying what we are like that hurts. [Sooo he should stop, he's stopping.]

I can think that I had a predecessor. I just wonder what horrible curse I must be stuck with to end up like this. The others must have dealt with the same. [Right??? Especially Kija. Definitely Kija!!]

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