山崎 宗介 || Yamazaki Sōsuke (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
takenwithhim) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thefarshore2016-11-30 10:02 pm
takenwithhim) wrote in thefarshore2016-11-30 10:02 pm
Entry tags:
- kairi | kingdom hearts,
- ω akihiko sanada | persona 3,
- ω freyja wion | macross delta,
- ω hazel grouse | saiyuki,
- ω ichiru kiryuu | vampire knight,
- ω kotetsu urashima | touken ranbu,
- ω masaki kurosaki | bleach,
- ω rin matsuoka | free!,
- ω sha gojyo | saiyuki,
- ω shuusei kagari | psycho-pass,
- ω sousuke yamazaki | free!,
- ω toshizou hijikata | peacemaker kuro
Heaven's BBS | Text & Video ~ A Stolen Voice
Posted: May 21st
From: Sousuke Yamazaki
What are shinki?
I’ve not been here long, so I don’t know the truth. Apparently no shinki can. But I’ve experienced enough.
I don’t like it.
We’re shinki. We weren’t told anything upon our arrival. All we knew is that we’re dead and know nothing else. Other shinki probably had the same experience I did: stumble around until someone told me I had to find a god or something before something bad happened to me. We have to rely on whatever our gods tell us as the truth. We’re told we’re supposed to help our gods with their duties and wants and protect them or fight for them. We can’t exist without you; gods give us form and prevent us from fading away. We have to depend on you to survive.
So what are we to you?
I have a god. A Master. He tells me that I’m human more than I’m his shinki. I don’t know if I believe him entirely.
Not all Masters are like that, are they. Some don’t care what a shinki feels. I guess that’s not far from the truth though. After all, shinki are really nothing more than tools to gods. Gods can pick us up simply because they want something from us. Maybe you feel good having us at your side because you think we remind you of something. Maybe you want us because we’re useful to you or you like our looks or fit your fighting style or powers.
But if it doesn’t work out, if we piss our gods off or don’t please them, they’re allowed to discard us like a broken item. Gods can even cycle through us one after another until they’ve found the perfect tool to fit their current needs. And when you’re done, you can throw us away until you’re ready to use us again. Or left to wander for someone else to maybe pick up before we fade away into nothing.
And we have no choice but to come when you call us whether we want to or not. Because we’re nothing without you. We’re valuable possessions to keep close or useful but expendable objects to get the job done.
I don’t know if all gods are aware of this; I know the shinki aren’t. Gods can even steal shinki from another god without asking. Force a new name upon us and give us a new form and power. And if we’re stubborn, apparently blackmail and threats are just as effective. Or you can simply hurt us until we break or get rid of us because we’re not working as you want. Like we’re some kind of toy for your amusement.
We’re told we’re entering a partnership with our gods, but in reality, it only goes one way. We have to choose between vanishing or living as a weapon, companion, prize, tool, whatever, for a god we don’t even know.
If you’re a shinki, think about this. If you’re a god, ask yourself why you have a shinki.
[A video feed flicks on. A full moon glows yellow in the sky above, encircled by spiraling clouds. The edge of a sakura tree billows pink and gentle at one side of the screen, releasing ghost-light sakura petals into the winds that carry them away. It’s silent, some for himself to gather his thoughts, some for letting whoever’s listening to him think. Maybe it is rambling, but the experience he went through…]
So what are our rights? Does anyone want to tell me how this is supposed to work?
All of this may not be something some of you gods care about.
But the shinki should know.
[His is a quiet voice, deep like the dark waters far below the surface of the sea.]
I’m aware I’m probably a rare case; most of the gods I’ve met seem decent. Some of you say you’d never act like I’ve described or think like this towards a shinki. That we can trust you. But we don’t know you. So how can we trust you? Ultimately we have to trust our gods because we don’t know anything else. Whether you use that to your advantage or not is up to you.
It’s a disgusting feeling to know you’re powerless against someone else. I can be stolen and wielded by any god who wants me, regardless of how I feel about it. And if I don’t want that, I have to eternally stick by my Master’s side like a frightened child. We’re not free; we can’t even rely on ourselves because our powers, beyond the borderline, is useless unless directed by a god. I didn’t want this, I don’t know if any shinki does.
[A quiet breath seeps backwards above the screen and the edge of a shirt sleeve flutters into view on one side of the screen. Sousuke’s leaning against the wall beside the window, not in sight, but obviously here if someone feels like talking.]
And if any of you gods haven’t yet learned how to track or trace your shinki, you should start working on that now. Otherwise you're going to find yourself out a useful tool for a while simply because some other god wants to do something different for a change.
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But just how much more of this is he going to take?
Gripping the windowsill, he clenches his jaw, and with eyes barely focused on the water he forces himself to listen, to take in word for word of Sousuke's response even if it's not what he wants to hear. Don't, he wants to tell him. Stop it, it hurts, it hurts. Fingers grab his shirt, the fabric tight between his fingers and just above his heart.
We can't be on the same team. The relay's not for me. I swim for myself... no one else.
What gives you the ability to call me your friend?!
I don't even know you!]
Agh!
[Off screen comes a painful cry, like he's been struck, like he's been burned. But no matter how hard he looks, he knows he won't find any marks... because everything he feels rests deep inside. His sadness beneath Sousuke's frustration, Sousuke's rage on top of his regret... He wants to tell him. He wants to tell him the truth so much it leaves his throat tasting like copper and nails biting into his flesh. Instead, he continues holding his tongue, and with a vice grip around his heart he slumps his shoulder against the wall beside him to try and quietly sort through these feelings one by one. What can he tell him? What else can he tell him without making matters worse?
... Maybe nothing at all.]
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It’s not fair to Rin. Has it ever been fair to him? Ever since he first met Eros, Sousuke’s known he’s been a sort of problem to the god. He suspects its due to some nostalgia Rin can’t get over, but that’s not something they talk about. It’s there though, lingering behind each moment Rin has to step back and realign himself, swallow a lump in his throat, or step away to look out the window. Sousuke sees those things, each one, and while he doesn’t mention them, it bothers him more than he lets on.
He listens now to Rin’s reactions, hears the grip of skin on stone and the grit of fabric pulling tight as Rin clutches at his shirt. He should keep it in, should be quiet… but it comes out again, the pain and frustration, the fear and disgust, and he’s yelling at Rin all over again. His god, the boy who keeps him from fading away and who’s given him a place to live and a life to call his own (in a sense).
And Sousuke’s yelling at him…
The sharp cry of pain splits clean through his mind, cutting into all of his selfish feelings and slams his entire body with such a rush of adrenaline his vision swims in front of his eyes. Sousuke recoils for a second, but his arm slings outward and grasps the camera without hesitation. Jerking it to the side so he can see the picture., as if it might show him the god on the other side.]
Rin!
[And freezes. What is this? This intense feeling of protection and guarding. Anger that Rin’s hurting. He doesn’t know what to do, trapped between his personal feelings of anger and the sudden, overwhelming feeling of frustration and guilt that he’s causing his god this kind of discomfort. Unfortunately, that paradox only fuels more of his frustration and he clenches his hand around the camera, doing his damnest not to seethe.
But try as he might, he can’t drag the ice and steel over his raw emotions right now. He’s only human, as Rin’s said before. And he bleeds when he falls down. Sousuke hates it. Being vulnerable. Being a burden. Hates that someone he cares for is hurting because of him.]
Rin…
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They're not as they used to be whether he likes it or not.
It shouldn't surprise him then... why it hurts as much as it does. But hearing those words out loud-- He wishes he couldn't care. He wishes he could be just as harsh, just as cruel, just as heartless as those gods Sousuke criticizes and fears. Maybe then this would be easier.
Without a second thought, he reaches over with his free hand to grab his own device and press it down onto its front, covering the screen and the camera in nothing but black. He can hear Sousuke's voice after all and he knows if he looks he'll see his face too... Does he feel guilty? It takes only a second for him to know, but even sooner for him to shake his head and silently damn himself for it. No, he doesn't want to know. He wants to stop knowing if he can. Everything he feels, his memories, his death...
Gripping the phone, he holds it against the windowsill until his knuckles turn white. Don't look. It's fine. You're upset and you should be. Let me take it. I can handle it.]
... I'm sorry.
[It's all he can bring himself to say before his fingers clumsily fumble and disconnect the feed. It was wrong to talk to him, to anger him and bring him even more discomfort.
I'm not what you need right now.]
Time Skip
Remorseful? Not really; he obviously had his reasons for bringing up that entire post. The shinki and the gods should know about the dangers other gods could and can possess to the shinki, particularly the shinki already named by other gods. Sousuke doesn’t regret the words he’s used or the ideas he’s said. True, they were despondent and abrasive, but of course they were after what he went through. He had the right to be angry and distrusting after the experience, just as he had the right and nigh-obligation to let the others know. But… well, he could have been a little less aggressive now that he came down from his backed-up anger and self-disgust. They really did want to help him.
Which… is the reason for his current state. Because the one who he was supposed to be the closest to, the one who really wants to help him the most, had been the one Sousuke had ripped into the hardest. His relationship with Rin is different than his relationship he had with the others on the network. Rin is his god, and the reason he hated the entire event with Schuldig. Being forced to betray someone he was beginning to open up towards… being reminded of why he shouldn’t trust him despite all the things Rin had done to show Sousuke he could trust him. He knows Rin finds it difficult to be around him at times because of the nostalgia and Sousuke’s own admittedly-recalcitrant and stubborn attitude. He knows both of them have sometimes wondered if it had been a mistake to team up. But through all of it, the fights and anger and silence, Rin’s stayed with him, given him his space, cared for him, and helped him. Never once has he ever limited or held Sousuke down in any way. Even now, he thought of Sousuke before himself, telling him he never sees him as a tool, but as a friend.
And Sousuke’d hurt him.
Physically and emotionally because of their link. Rin had to weather the swirling maelstrom of anger and frustration and all the other emotions within Sousuke during this time. He felt it probably even more keenly than Sousuke had. Since the moment Sousuke’d come home from the event, even after he refused to tell his god anything at first, Rin had been there. Dealing with it. And never once had Sousuke thanked him or tried to see it from his view. Never fully trusting him or being honest with him. Unwilling to work with him because of his experience. And after he’d torn into Rin for daring to offer his hand in friendship… I’m sorry …it was Rin who’d apologized to him.
The guilt is enormous.
The silent castle looms around him like a mixture of oppressive reminder and quiet welcome. He’s not lost for once, knowing where his feet are taking him as he walks through the hallways. Morning will be here soon, most likely. Another hour, maybe two. It’s still dark outside and the moon is low, turning the sakura trees outside into clouds. They pass by the windows each time he takes a step, wiping his face with shadow and light alternatively. Looking ahead of him, he can’t see the petals’ shadows on the wall. That’s right… The castle, Rin’s temple, is linked to him too. There’s no breeze, there’s no blossoms in the air. It’s silent inside and out. Because the god who fuels it with that passion and brilliance of spirit is wounded. By the person who’s supposed to be his closest companion.
It hurts… Here in his chest, here in his mind. A pain that aches dull and cold like a knife in his body. It weighs him down and thinking even for a moment on his actions towards Rin have his stomach knotting. He shouldn’t feel this way; he shouldn’t be putting Rin under such pressure. But… Rin doesn’t want him to be some statue or slave without feeling. Neither does Sousuke. There’s so much about this he doesn’t understand, doesn’t know how to do. But above all of that, there is one thing right now he knows he must do. Going forward without it is impossible. No matter how much it hurts, it has to be done to stop it from hurting more.
His steps slow and still outside the door. Their door. The one room out of so many that they’d finally chosen as their bedroom. Rin hadn’t listened to Sousuke’s continual intonations of “it’s your castle so you choose” as they looked through the different rooms. No, it had to be selected and approved by both of them. Of course Rin would say such a thing. So, they did. Together. Just like so many other things in this place.
I’ll stay.
Sousuke said those words to him weeks ago, agreeing to be his shinki with those two syllables. To be his shinki and all that it entails.
The device in his hand clicks on, linking privately with the device within the room. He doesn’t know if Rin’s even in the room, doesn’t know if his device is near him right now. But… he can’t face him yet. Not without this. The silence will easily make his voice carry to the microphone.]
Gomenasai, Rin.
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It's not a good feeling, having no resolve. Waiting, expecting, lost. Everything his shinki feels, he feels it tenfold.
But what can he do? He can't ask him to stop, to shut away his heart and hide from other people. It's the first time Sousuke's opened himself up to others since they've come here and he can't take that away from him even if he tries. He promised his freedom and he meant it. So the most Rin can do is apologize and wait out the storm, curtains drawn and windows shut, lights turned low while he lies still and quiet in the massive bedroom all alone. He doesn't know if it's morning or night. He can't feel warmth or chill on his exposed skin. Too distracted. Occupied, running around in circles in his head and Sousuke's and both of theirs at the same time. He wants to be the only one to protect him and give him safety and strength. But here he is, weak and vulnerable, the main reason why his best friend feels as betrayed as he does.
Sometime in the middle of the night there's movement. It's sudden and sharp and startles him so much he almost sits up in bed, thinking he's been bit or cut. He recognizes it as something similar to what he experienced a few days ago, back when he burst in on Sousuke that one morning, thinking he'd been hurt. No... it's not quite that though. And maybe it should worry him more than it does. But he can't bring himself to go looking for Sousuke when he doesn't even know if he wants to be seen in the first place, so with his hand touching his neck he curls back up and shuts his eyes, withstanding and tolerating whatever it is for just a little longer. Another thing he doesn't understand. How many more of these things will he run into?
The silence drags out for several more hours, during which time Rin still hasn't moved an inch and still hasn't recovered. But when a faint blue light emits from the bedside table beside him, his brows twitch and he wearily peers up just as a familiar voice carries through the microphone. ... Hn. He's outside the door, isn't he. Close but still so far away. Will he come in? Does he even want to? He shouldn't.
A shaking hand reaches out and presses one of the buttons for his response.]
Don't.
[It's weak and barely audible but it's all he can bring himself to say. Don't apologize to me. You did nothing wrong.]
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And Rin feels all of it. Everything he feels, Rin feels as well. It’s irritating, angering even, that something as private as his feelings are practically on permanent monitoring for someone he’s only just getting to know. But at the same time, it’s also unfair to Rin, forcing him to deal with the emotions another person is feeling that are neither his business to know of or his burden to bear. This isn’t easy or comfortable for either of them and Sousuke’s aggravated for both of them. Sure, he can try to control himself, lock away his emotions to where nothing comes out and Rin’s left with only his own emotions to deal with. But in the short time he’s been with Rin, he knows the God of Love would never want that to happen. So many times he’s told Sousuke he’s a human, not a shinki, always tries to make sure Sousuke never feels like a tool around him. Rin wants him to be free…
And Sousuke knows Rin blames himself for this. For whatever reason, be it not training with Sousuke enough, not keeping as close a watch over him, giving him too much space, not making him feel content to stay with him, not keeping those who want to do him harm away from him, not keeping them busy enough Sousuke doesn’t have to need to go wandering around alone… a host of other things he can easily see as how Rin brings the fault down to “Rin” and Rin alone. Before anything else, Sousuke wants to make sure this stops. This twisting pain that Rin undoubtedly feels because of him. He’s calmer now than he was at the time of making that post at least. But he doesn’t know… if that is enough to help his god.
He’s outside his door now, he’s said those words he wants to say more than anything else. And the response he gets… Heh… It’s expected. Of course Rin doesn’t want to accept Sousuke’s the one at fault for this. Telling him “don’t” when he apologizes to him. It should irritate him, but he can’t find it in himself to feel that way right now. Not as the shaking voice comes through the screen and he can almost see Rin through the door, lying on his bed, a bundle of agitated frustration and sorrow. You shouldn’t have to suffer under that because of me…]
I said something… that I shouldn’t have said, Rin. You don’t deserve to deal with any of this, but you do. Because you care about me. I’ve been… Che, I’ve been a frustrating shinki to deal with… but more than that…
I’ve been a horrible friend to you.
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Whatever Sousuke wants, what he needs, what he likes and hates more than anything else in the world-- He thought he knew it all, better than the back of his hand. But he doesn't.
And Sousuke feels the need to apologize?
He can't bring himself to cut those words short though, and maybe it's because he enjoys listening to his best friend's voice that he doesn't. How familiar it is... gentle and calm rather than angry or afraid. Part of him, a very stupid and gullible part of him, believes that if he walks over and opens the door, he'll find the same boy standing behind it with his identity and memories all intact. They'll be able to put all this behind them and look forward to working together again as if they never even stopped. Like teammates, like rivals, like--
--friends?
His feet touch the floor quicker than he can think and despite the wobble in his step or how his heavy limbs want to drag him down onto the floor, Rin forces himself through the dark bedroom, hands touching the walls and eventually the door frame to hold himself steady. Everything aches. His body won't stop telling him to fall asleep right here, right now. But Sousuke said-- He really said--]
No!
[it's a weak outcry and one he makes once shaking fingers somehow manage to grip the door handle and pull the door open. His eyes aren't well adjusted to the brighter lighting in the hallway, so when it hits them he squints but doesn't falter backwards.]
... No.
[calmer, quieter, his heart fluttering and eyes damp as he struggles to stay upright. Under the cover of darkness, the strange ache at the nape of his neck continues to take its toll on his body. Whatever it is.]
You're not horrible, you-- [You never were.] --Don't be upset with yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. [You shouldn't even call me a friend. I've done nothing to prove that I can be. ... What are you saying?]
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So many times Rin’s sacrificed for him, small ways and large ways. All things that obviously point to the young man trying to be friends with him even as Sousuke digs his heels in and refutes that very thing. He’s argued before about what it takes to become a friend, still has trouble seeing the two of them as “friends” at the moment. But likewise, he still has trouble being around anyone else but Rin… Ever since the start, there’s been something about the other boy that keeps his attention. Not only the want to never see him cry again, but the unknown feeling of contentment and quiet happiness as Rin spends time with him. Things Sousuke’s left unsaid, but remain there regardless.
So in that case… how could he have stood to his face and slammed him with those cruel, callous words: I don’t even know you.
Sousuke listens to the sounds inside the room, figures Rin’s climbing from the bed and making his way across the room. He can see his way through there without even being in the room, familiar from sleeping and waking in that room day after day. But there comes the sound of hands on the wall, then on the door frame, as if the person inside is trying to hold on for support. It doesn’t… sound “well” and he recognizes it with a worried expression.
He frowns at the outcry, not as much from the denial but from the sound of Rin’s voice. What’s going on in there? Teal eyes narrow slightly as the door finally opens and he tilts his head a little as Rin squints into the lights. It’s dark in the room… So… “No” hm? He waits, figuring denying his apology isn’t exactly what Rin’s going for. But… Rin really does look like something’s wrong. Struggling to even stay upright. Sousuke doesn’t mention it, but he knows this is somehow his fault too.
Don’t be upset with yourself. Very much too late for that. You didn’t do anything wrong. Yeah that’s a lie in the face and both he and Rin know it. But the sight of Rin wipes out any quiet urge he might have to argue. So instead, Sousuke closes his eyes and dips his head in a slight nod.]
All right.
[Right now, it’s not about him anymore. He opens his eyes, concerned for the god in front of him. His god.]
What’s wrong, Rin? You look awful.
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First he sacrifices himself for Rin and now Rin sacrifices himself for Sousuke. Is there balance? Are they even? ... It should feel that way, but it doesn't.
But this isn't the time to be wallowing. If he can help it. Sousuke's here now, considerably calmer than before, and from the looks of things, Rin isn't the only one in need of some sleep. He's ready to step aside on that note--they can discuss this more in the morning if it needs any more closure--but Sousuke's quick to stop him with that concern look alone and before the question comes he's already looking towards the floor. It's true. He doesn't need to look in a mirror to know how awful he looks. Still, he shakes his head, and after releasing the door he turns to head back inside. A little wobbly and he's dragging his feet while he does it, but at least he's walking unassisted.
Don't look at me like that.]
It's just late, that's all.
[His hand comes up to rub at his neck, but he stops himself halfway, worrying he might aggravate the odd tingling sensation beneath the skin if he touches it.]
We should try to get some sleep before the sun comes up.
[Which suggests their sleeping arrangements won't change tonight.]
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The door handle makes a soft noise as the god’s hand leaves it and Sousuke watches as Rin moves back into the room. His shoulders slight from one side to the next, a tiny wobble that he sees all too clearly. The sound of the carpet beneath dragging feet scuffing into the gloom of the bedroom where he’s slept beside Rin’s bed and opened up gifts that his god had no real reason to get for him asides from the fact he cares enough to do so. Clothes catering to his preferences because Rin’s such a lucky guesser (he still doesn’t believe it, but doesn’t talk about it because it’s one of “those” things). Invitations to get up and move and do and live.
Yes, Rin’s walking unassisted, returning to the bed to lie down and try to rest while he’s clearly unable to do so.]
Bullshit. [Sousuke reaches out and catches onto Rin’s wrist the moment it swings backwards, his fingers wrapping gentle and firm around the god’s skin. He hadn’t missed the reach for the neck either, though doesn’t really “know” what it’s there for. Yet.]
We can sleep after you tell me what’s wrong. [There’s slight relief that he’s not going to be made to sleep elsewhere (though honestly he won’t blame Rin if Rin demands it and actually had wondered whether or not he should even return to their room after what he’d said). But… that later.]
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How much longer will he have to keep this up?
Not for long, looks like, because soon Sousuke reaches out for him and with a gentle, surprised noise he stops and glances over his shoulder. This again... He's not gonna push him up against a door this time though, is he?]
... I'm tired.
[That's not a lie.]
We're both tired. And we've been thinking a lot so--
[Looking away again, but not walking off just yet. The hair falling over the back of his neck leaves his skin feeling especially sensitive, so he twitches out of reflex, like he wants to reach up again to brush it away.]
That's all.
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Right?
So then why is Sousuke halfway into the room, one arm stretched out and holding firmly onto a clammy wrist? That surprised noise doesn’t faze him and he continues to watch his god with those same concerned, quiet eyes. There is no pull, no threatening shove like there had been the first day they met. Only the same quietness that Sousuke’s known for even now. … I’m tired.]
No you’re not. Not entirely.
[It’s another lie. One given to protect him all over again. Sacrificing himself once more so Sousuke doesn’t have to deal with something uncomfortable or harsh. And in this case, something he’s probably to blame for, no matter how much Rin feels it’s not so.]
Aa. I am tired… but I can’t rest if you’re hurting.
[So… please…]
Rin.
[… talk to me. It’s what… It’s what friends did, right? That stubborn trust thing… right?]
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Rin doesn't know. But... he knows he isn't being fair to him with all these lies and aversions, especially after he's expressed wanting nothing more than an open and honest relationship.
Rin.
He bites his lip when he hears it, his name. The way it eats at him, mocks him. ... He has to swallow down a lump in his throat before he can speak again. Right. This is what friends do. And Rin trusts Sousuke more than anyone.]
... I don't know what it is. [He can't see it, only feel it, and with his free hand he touches his hair where it falls over his neck, fingers carefully pressing but not sweeping it back just yet.] But it's been hurting for a couple hours.
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The reminder firms his decision and he makes sure his hand remains gripping Rin’s wrist. This guy he’s professed to not know anything about. And yet here he is, refusing to let him go away and sleep because he’s not feeling well. Apparently he does care. More than he’s let on the past. Who’s fault is that?
Sousuke doesn’t know how, but he knows Rin’s biting his lip right now. Resisting. Wanting him to shut up and leave him alone because obviously “everything’ fine” right now. Even though they both know it isn’t. So when he hears that swallow and his voice, it’s a relief and Sousuke’s hackles lower. A little.
Teal eyes move to the area on his neck, looking at it. The hair covers his skin, blocking his view. Hurting… The realization hits him like a punch in the face and his stomach gets cold and heavy. Disappointment, frustration, irritation. They well up inside him.]
I’m blighting you… aren’t I.
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He's running out of options and solutions and the longer he stands here thinking about that, the more pain he feels. It's not until he hears that quiet realization that Rin oddly enough seems to release completely, letting go of the remaining tension in his hands and legs specifically. Somehow, hearing it out in the open like that feels validating, like they won't have to go back and forth with guessing and vague explanations anymore. He might not be able to see it, but he can feel it... and he can feel Sousuke in his heart just as well.
He's heavy. Heavy and cold and angry. So many emotions flood his veins at once, they leave him dizzy and overwhelmed. Will he ever grow used to this? Something tells him not...
Answer him. Tell him 'no'. Tell him something to ease the pain for them both.]
... Yes.
[And I know you don't mean to.]
no subject
And now, he’s standing here, watching his own god suffer under the affliction. Blight. The effect of a shinki disobeying their god or doing something they’re morally opposed to, as he understands it. And he knows even without Rin opening his mouth that the young god will do everything he can in his head to absolve Sousuke of the blame. You’ll tell me I’ve done nothing wrong, won’t you. Because Rin’s that kind of person. But it’s out in the open now and that’s all the tall shinki needs to accept the blame and shoulder responsibility for it. Even if Rin doesn’t want to admit it. Yes, anger is natural and it’s not wrong to feel it.
But lashing out in anger at someone simply trying to help him?
Hn, he may not remember his parents, if he even has them, but he’s pretty sure that they’d have taught him that lesson. And he’d done that very thing to Rin. The guilt he feels is enough to tell him that. With a soft sigh, Sousuke lets his eyes close and his shoulders drop slightly. He’s tired. Tired of the anger, tired of his weakness, tired of making a mess of things. It’s not his or Rin’s responsibility to play any blame game right now.
What is, however, is helping his god. Thank you. For not trying to lie to me again.]
Come on. [He turns around and gestures for Rin to follow him.] We need to find some holy water, right?
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Well. At least they can see it. What secrets and pain and raging emotions will do to their relationship. Of course he knows Sousuke doesn't mean it and there's nothing he can say or do to convince Rin he's done something wrong, because, yes, unfortunately Rin's that kind of person. Both of them, stubborn and defiant even when they crack and break...
Rin smiles in spite of himself. Oddly, this feels right, feels more like who they should be. His smile fades though as soon as Sousuke mentions holy water... It's not that he doesn't want to, but--]
The closest place is-- [They shouldn't. It'll hurt. But... Sousuke needs him to be at his best.] --by the pool.
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Since there’s proof of it sitting in front of their eyes right now. He’d kept things to himself to the point of finally exploding over the network and blighting his own god. While Rin wants to believe Sousuke’s done nothing wrong, the shinki feels opposite, hating the idea that Rin somehow blames himself for all of this. It’s not Rin’s fault. But neither of them are going to admit that or concede to the other. They’re stubborn, too stubborn.
But he can at least put some of that stubbornness to better use now. He doesn’t have to look over his shoulder to see the faded smile. It comes through in the heavy pause and finally in the quiet answer. The pool… the place that had given Sousuke such a reaction he’d almost gone catatonic. They’d avoided it since then.
Sousuke looks over his shoulder this time, eyes lingering on Rin’s face.]
Then come on. We’re going to the pool.
[Healing Rin of the blight is more important than Sousuke’s reaction to the pool.]
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But first they'll have to tackle this unfortunate hurdle.
He meets that gaze with one of his own, and though he seems exhausted he's managing to keep his eyes open and even take a couple steps to follow behind. The last time they saw the pool, their experience was awful, to say the least, but avoiding the problem won't do them any good and they can't afford to look for another source of holy water on such short notice. Sousuke needs Rin to be at his best. He needs to be able to fight with him and protect him if need be. He's in no condition to do either of those things now.]
I can teleport us there.
[Might take him a moment to focus, but he can try.]
Just give me a second.
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Sousuke quietly keeps his gaze on Rin’s, waiting for him to accept and move. They can talk about more of this later. They might not even get to it tonight. Maybe they’ll argue tomorrow or the next day about it. That’s fine. So long as right now, Sousuke’s able to absolve Rin of the pain he’s suffering under. They can move forward after that. Soon. Sousuke wants that… He wants to move forward now. Wants to actually try to trust Rin of his own accord now. It’s been a rude wake up call, but the truth is staring him in the face plain as day now.
Maybe confronting the pool in some way mirrors whatever the two of them are confronting in each other. He nods at the mention of teleporting, but seeing Rin’s attempt to focus and balance…]
Aa. [Sousuke steps back into the room, moving to his god’s side. And silently takes one of Rin’s arms and loops it over his shoulders and the back of his neck. Let me be your strength.] Lean on me.
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He doesn't want to see him this way again either.
Rin's about to make his way over to Sousuke's side when his shinki does the work for him and to his surprise even takes his arm to loop it over his shoulders.]
Hey. Careful. It might hurt you too.
[The spot burns and tingles, and no matter if it's small or not, he doesn't want to risk blighting Sousuke by mistake. He doesn't expect him to let up or change his mind though, so after taking a second to more evenly distribute his weight he takes a deep breath then channels some of his energy towards his core. Now let's see. What did it look like? Where is it in relation to them? Another second, another image-- Now.
Gripping onto Sousuke's shirt, Rin sends them both drifting through time and space and in no time at all they're back on their feet, only this time with the scent of chlorine lingering in the air. It's still dark, but with the god's presence the lights in the water flicker to life to bathe the large room with a pale blue hue. He's sure it's beautiful. A sight he's missed and been away from for far too long.
But as soon as they arrive, Rin slumps forward, head hung, and reaches up to touch the tender skin on his neck while the sting persists. It's almost like being cut.]
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He can’t feel the spot that Rin’s indicated, but he knows it must hurt. Sousuke pushes the thought from his head and tries to control his feelings. No, feeling that way will only make it worse for Rin. They have to accept what happened and move on. Guilting or grudging will only make things worse.]
Maybe. But we can handle that at the pool, right?
[He doesn’t know if the blight can transfer to him, but he doesn’t go touching the area either. Best not to risk it. Sousuke braces himself as Rin adjusts his stance, waiting until he’s ready to move, or at least comfortable enough to travel. There’s a soft, deep breath and a moment later, they’re gone. The world fades around them and drifts in a way he’s always found hard to describe. Only that he knows they’re moving. And then they’re there.
The lights flick on and in a moment, Sousuke finds himself standing in front of the pool. Its blue waters glow upwards amid the dark grounds around it, illuminating the two of them with a mystical, watery bath of light. And instantly, the feelings start again. Revulsion and panic slam into his chest so hard, his heart begins to hammer against his ribs. Teal eyes widen, staring at the water as it laps within the pool. Fear and something ominous and threatening claws at his chest and mind. Telling him to leave, to get out of there--]
Rin!
[All of that vanishes in an instant when he feels Rin slump and Sousuke swings his head to look at his god, concern dilating his eyes. Is he unconscious, can he hear him?] Oy. Rin. [He reaches around with his other arm, catching onto Rin’s shoulder and holding him. For a moment, he hesitates, but then shifts his body. And picks the other boy clean off the ground, one arm around his upper back, the other cupping under his knees. He’s carrying him like this; deal with it.]
Which one has the holy water?
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Is any of the pain truly worth it?
Rin doesn't respond to Sousuke's question, because once they're moving through time and space, funny enough, there's no time to form a proper response. In an instant, they've arrived, and in an instant the walls seem to be shrinking in on them, tighter and tighter with each suffocating sensation Sousuke feels. Revulsion, panic, distrust. He wants to leave, he has to leave, and if he doesn't--
Were he more experienced with this, he might be able to stand on his own two feet. He might be able to speak clearly, normally, and casually walk himself to the water source without his shinki's assistance. But he's brand new and he's terrified and truth be told, the moment Sousuke catches onto his shoulder, Rin has to bite back a startled yell. He's still a human under all of this, a human that's telling him he's going to die if they don't fix this quick. So... it's probably for the best that Sousuke takes action when he does, hoisting him up off the ground quick enough to make Rin's head spin.]
I'm fine, I'm fine... Oy...
[He'd complain more about this, but it's hard to concentrate when all he wants to do is keep adding pressure to his neck. Still, somehow he cracks one eye open and slowly gestures across the room to where a door leads to another, much smaller room inside. He should have teleported them in there to begin with, but, again. New to this. The pool was the first thing on his mind.]
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However, all Sousuke cares about right now, however, is stopping Rin’s pain. That much is clear.
It even trumps the reaction he has to the pool. With Rin’s attempted reassurances that he’s fine (he’s not), Sousuke at least is able to stand by him. And contend with himself. The water remains to their side, glowing gently, and he once more feels the mixture of revulsion and allure. As much as he wants to leave this room and never come back, he likewise wants to take a running dive right into the waters and stay there until he’s completely sated. It’s a strange feeling and he has no idea why he’d even feel such ways towards a pool. But he does… and it bothers him in the back of his mind.
Feeling the tension in Rin’s shoulders reminds him of why he’s here and Sousuke pulls his gaze from the pool, returns it to where it’s supposed to be: Rin. He feels like apologizing for the slight scare, but considering his god’s response to his earlier apology… he’ll skip it. It’s not only Sousuke who’s feeling bad right now. After all, Rin’s still human despite being a god. Right? Just like Rin’s always told Sousuke. So he makes his move, picking the other boy up whether he likes it or not and turns his back to the pool. The warmth pressing to his chest is comforting and he wonders if he’ll actually carry Rin longer than he should… A fleeting thought, but one none the less.]
Aa.
[Sure, sure he’s fine. “Fine” and dandy. Sousuke doesn’t believe it for a moment and moves forward, following Rin’s gesture instead. Across the room, into a small door where another room opens in front of him. For a moment, he stands still, staring at the room in a mixture of surprise and amusement. He’d seen the door before, but they’d not stayed down here long enough to explore (because of him). Now, he’s through the door and… well…]
You really are a romantic.
[Because look at this room. Petals and all. Sousuke quietly closes the door behind him with a catch of his foot and ankle, blocking out the sight of the pool. It might help him… and thus help Rin by proxy. Moving forward, Sousuke stops in front of the pool and looks down at Rin. His god… Without waiting to ask, Sousuke simply walks forward and steps into the small pool. Doesn’t even give himself time to think about the water or the pool. Focused only on Rin and Rin alone. And that comforts him far more than anything else.]
Here…
[And slowly lowers down, sinking until Rin’s body up to his chin is submerged in the water.]
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Hasn't he given Sousuke enough stress? Hasn't he pushed him past his breaking point one too many times? Just before the door opens and they step through, Rin opens his eyes again and furrows his brow at the shoulder he's leaning against, almost as if he can see right through the fabric of his shirt. Back then... and now this...]
Huh?
[He slowly tilts his head towards the room, distracted... and almost rolls his eyes at what he sees. Petals, dim lighting, the works. He might be romantic, but even Rin has to admit this is overkill. Anyway, none of that matters right now. Only the water, which he's prepared to step down to once Sousuke shuts the door behind them. At least that would have been the plan if only someone hadn't gone ahead and walked straight in, clothes and all.
His first instinct is to panic, heart leaping as he peers over at the water below. Carrying him over here was one thing, but actually helping him in?]
O-oy, Sousuke--
[he begins to protest, one hand coming up to touch his shinki's arm, but he's already being lowered, and if he squirms too much he's afraid he might send them both toppling forward into the shallow water. So in the end he holds still, even if it feels incredibly uncomfortable having water seep into his clothes the deeper he goes. Bits cling to his skin by the time he's halfway settled, though once the water begins to pool around his neck, his breath cuts short and all focus turns to that stinging spot once again. It stings but it tingles, like a dull hum beneath the surface of his skin...
Finally, with a quiet sigh, Rin feels the ache starting to dissipate, leaving him tired but rejuvenated at the same time. It's been a long time since he's touched the water like this... Experiencing it is even more satisfying than banishing this blight.]
... Let go.
[he mutters softly. I want to feel the water completely.]
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