thefarshore | Heaven's BBS | Text & Video ~ A Stolen Voice

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Heaven's BBS | Text & Video ~ A Stolen Voice

Posted: May 21st
From: Sousuke Yamazaki

What are shinki?

I’ve not been here long, so I don’t know the truth. Apparently no shinki can. But I’ve experienced enough.

I don’t like it.

We’re shinki. We weren’t told anything upon our arrival. All we knew is that we’re dead and know nothing else. Other shinki probably had the same experience I did: stumble around until someone told me I had to find a god or something before something bad happened to me. We have to rely on whatever our gods tell us as the truth. We’re told we’re supposed to help our gods with their duties and wants and protect them or fight for them. We can’t exist without you; gods give us form and prevent us from fading away. We have to depend on you to survive.

So what are we to you?

I have a god. A Master. He tells me that I’m human more than I’m his shinki. I don’t know if I believe him entirely.

Not all Masters are like that, are they. Some don’t care what a shinki feels. I guess that’s not far from the truth though. After all, shinki are really nothing more than tools to gods. Gods can pick us up simply because they want something from us. Maybe you feel good having us at your side because you think we remind you of something. Maybe you want us because we’re useful to you or you like our looks or fit your fighting style or powers.

But if it doesn’t work out, if we piss our gods off or don’t please them, they’re allowed to discard us like a broken item. Gods can even cycle through us one after another until they’ve found the perfect tool to fit their current needs. And when you’re done, you can throw us away until you’re ready to use us again. Or left to wander for someone else to maybe pick up before we fade away into nothing.

And we have no choice but to come when you call us whether we want to or not. Because we’re nothing without you. We’re valuable possessions to keep close or useful but expendable objects to get the job done.

I don’t know if all gods are aware of this; I know the shinki aren’t. Gods can even steal shinki from another god without asking. Force a new name upon us and give us a new form and power. And if we’re stubborn, apparently blackmail and threats are just as effective. Or you can simply hurt us until we break or get rid of us because we’re not working as you want. Like we’re some kind of toy for your amusement.

We’re told we’re entering a partnership with our gods, but in reality, it only goes one way. We have to choose between vanishing or living as a weapon, companion, prize, tool, whatever, for a god we don’t even know.

If you’re a shinki, think about this. If you’re a god, ask yourself why you have a shinki.

[A video feed flicks on. A full moon glows yellow in the sky above, encircled by spiraling clouds. The edge of a sakura tree billows pink and gentle at one side of the screen, releasing ghost-light sakura petals into the winds that carry them away. It’s silent, some for himself to gather his thoughts, some for letting whoever’s listening to him think. Maybe it is rambling, but the experience he went through…]

So what are our rights? Does anyone want to tell me how this is supposed to work?

All of this may not be something some of you gods care about.

But the shinki should know.

[His is a quiet voice, deep like the dark waters far below the surface of the sea.]

I’m aware I’m probably a rare case; most of the gods I’ve met seem decent. Some of you say you’d never act like I’ve described or think like this towards a shinki. That we can trust you. But we don’t know you. So how can we trust you? Ultimately we have to trust our gods because we don’t know anything else. Whether you use that to your advantage or not is up to you.

It’s a disgusting feeling to know you’re powerless against someone else. I can be stolen and wielded by any god who wants me, regardless of how I feel about it. And if I don’t want that, I have to eternally stick by my Master’s side like a frightened child. We’re not free; we can’t even rely on ourselves because our powers, beyond the borderline, is useless unless directed by a god. I didn’t want this, I don’t know if any shinki does.

[A quiet breath seeps backwards above the screen and the edge of a shirt sleeve flutters into view on one side of the screen. Sousuke’s leaning against the wall beside the window, not in sight, but obviously here if someone feels like talking.]

And if any of you gods haven’t yet learned how to track or trace your shinki, you should start working on that now. Otherwise you're going to find yourself out a useful tool for a while simply because some other god wants to do something different for a change.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He and Sousuke have been apart before. Separated by years and miles upon miles of land and sea, they've in silence, never knowing if the other thought of them or even remembered who they were. So... it should be easy, this kind of separation. Right? No... that's just not the case, no matter how desperately he wants it to be. Because after this distance, they won't come back together, right back to the same page they left off at, as if they never parted at all. Now every argument and disagreement serve to deepen the rift between them, until they're looking across opposite ends and seeing nothing staring back. It really is an awful feeling, but it hurts even more because he doesn't know how to fix it.

Whatever Sousuke wants, what he needs, what he likes and hates more than anything else in the world-- He thought he knew it all, better than the back of his hand. But he doesn't.

And Sousuke feels the need to apologize?

He can't bring himself to cut those words short though, and maybe it's because he enjoys listening to his best friend's voice that he doesn't. How familiar it is... gentle and calm rather than angry or afraid. Part of him, a very stupid and gullible part of him, believes that if he walks over and opens the door, he'll find the same boy standing behind it with his identity and memories all intact. They'll be able to put all this behind them and look forward to working together again as if they never even stopped. Like teammates, like rivals, like--

--friends?

His feet touch the floor quicker than he can think and despite the wobble in his step or how his heavy limbs want to drag him down onto the floor, Rin forces himself through the dark bedroom, hands touching the walls and eventually the door frame to hold himself steady. Everything aches. His body won't stop telling him to fall asleep right here, right now. But Sousuke said-- He really said--]

No!

[it's a weak outcry and one he makes once shaking fingers somehow manage to grip the door handle and pull the door open. His eyes aren't well adjusted to the brighter lighting in the hallway, so when it hits them he squints but doesn't falter backwards.]

... No.

[calmer, quieter, his heart fluttering and eyes damp as he struggles to stay upright. Under the cover of darkness, the strange ache at the nape of his neck continues to take its toll on his body. Whatever it is.]

You're not horrible, you-- [You never were.] --Don't be upset with yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. [You shouldn't even call me a friend. I've done nothing to prove that I can be. ... What are you saying?]

[Of course he feels the need to apologize. After everything Rin has done for him since arriving here, Sousuke had thrown it back in his face. A wandering shinki picked up from the streets and offered a place to stay, a life to lead, a purpose to serve, and guidance if wanted. An untrained fighter invited to learn about his new skills and life alongside someone who doesn’t consider him a tool or a weapon, but instead a person, and constantly reminds him of that fact as well. Someone without memories or family now given the chance to be someone alongside another person who never had to do anything with him in the first place. Sousuke’s been a handful to Rin; he knows this. Despite not having memories, he’s seen the reactions Rin has to him, figures the nostalgia Rin has for someone in the past that resembles him is the reason. And yet, his god tries so often to prevent that from affecting them, trying to give Sousuke his own space without burdening him with those feelings and emotions Sousuke can’t do anything about.

So many times Rin’s sacrificed for him, small ways and large ways. All things that obviously point to the young man trying to be friends with him even as Sousuke digs his heels in and refutes that very thing. He’s argued before about what it takes to become a friend, still has trouble seeing the two of them as “friends” at the moment. But likewise, he still has trouble being around anyone else but Rin… Ever since the start, there’s been something about the other boy that keeps his attention. Not only the want to never see him cry again, but the unknown feeling of contentment and quiet happiness as Rin spends time with him. Things Sousuke’s left unsaid, but remain there regardless.

So in that case… how could he have stood to his face and slammed him with those cruel, callous words: I don’t even know you.

Sousuke listens to the sounds inside the room, figures Rin’s climbing from the bed and making his way across the room. He can see his way through there without even being in the room, familiar from sleeping and waking in that room day after day. But there comes the sound of hands on the wall, then on the door frame, as if the person inside is trying to hold on for support. It doesn’t… sound “well” and he recognizes it with a worried expression.

He frowns at the outcry, not as much from the denial but from the sound of Rin’s voice. What’s going on in there? Teal eyes narrow slightly as the door finally opens and he tilts his head a little as Rin squints into the lights. It’s dark in the room… So… “No” hm? He waits, figuring denying his apology isn’t exactly what Rin’s going for. But… Rin really does look like something’s wrong. Struggling to even stay upright. Sousuke doesn’t mention it, but he knows this is somehow his fault too.

Don’t be upset with yourself. Very much too late for that. You didn’t do anything wrong. Yeah that’s a lie in the face and both he and Rin know it. But the sight of Rin wipes out any quiet urge he might have to argue. So instead, Sousuke closes his eyes and dips his head in a slight nod.]

All right.

[Right now, it’s not about him anymore. He opens his eyes, concerned for the god in front of him. His god.]

What’s wrong, Rin? You look awful.

[So many times he's wanted to laugh. A quiet, bitter laugh, because of the irony and how much it hurts. He's spent his whole life unaware around Sousuke, blinded to what should have been clear from the start, and now here he is, building this wall between them brick by brick to keep his best friend unaware of him. It's a sacrifice and one he never wanted to make. Sacrificing themselves for each other, stepping down, taking painful blows... all these things they were never meant to do, now necessary to their survival. He remembers this feeling too well, from the moment he heard that rush of fabric and saw that awful red blotch beneath Sousuke's jacket--

First he sacrifices himself for Rin and now Rin sacrifices himself for Sousuke. Is there balance? Are they even? ... It should feel that way, but it doesn't.

But this isn't the time to be wallowing. If he can help it. Sousuke's here now, considerably calmer than before, and from the looks of things, Rin isn't the only one in need of some sleep. He's ready to step aside on that note--they can discuss this more in the morning if it needs any more closure--but Sousuke's quick to stop him with that concern look alone and before the question comes he's already looking towards the floor. It's true. He doesn't need to look in a mirror to know how awful he looks. Still, he shakes his head, and after releasing the door he turns to head back inside. A little wobbly and he's dragging his feet while he does it, but at least he's walking unassisted.

Don't look at me like that.]

It's just late, that's all.

[His hand comes up to rub at his neck, but he stops himself halfway, worrying he might aggravate the odd tingling sensation beneath the skin if he touches it.]

We should try to get some sleep before the sun comes up.

[Which suggests their sleeping arrangements won't change tonight.]

[He remembers none of that. He knows only what he sees. And right now, he sees a tired, bedraggled young man who’s sacrificed so much for him. Too much. It can’t even have been a few hours, and yet Rin looks like he hasn’t slept for days. Sousuke’s mind turns over the strange, uneasy sounds he heard while Rin made his way to the door, turns over the sight of his face and the tired strain of his voice a moment ago. The room itself is dark and uninviting and Sousuke’s pretty sure there’s something wrong here. But even as he knows this, he can only watch as Rin does exactly what he knows he’s doing to do.

The door handle makes a soft noise as the god’s hand leaves it and Sousuke watches as Rin moves back into the room. His shoulders slight from one side to the next, a tiny wobble that he sees all too clearly. The sound of the carpet beneath dragging feet scuffing into the gloom of the bedroom where he’s slept beside Rin’s bed and opened up gifts that his god had no real reason to get for him asides from the fact he cares enough to do so. Clothes catering to his preferences because Rin’s such a lucky guesser (he still doesn’t believe it, but doesn’t talk about it because it’s one of “those” things). Invitations to get up and move and do and live.

Yes, Rin’s walking unassisted, returning to the bed to lie down and try to rest while he’s clearly unable to do so.]

Bullshit. [Sousuke reaches out and catches onto Rin’s wrist the moment it swings backwards, his fingers wrapping gentle and firm around the god’s skin. He hadn’t missed the reach for the neck either, though doesn’t really “know” what it’s there for. Yet.]

We can sleep after you tell me what’s wrong. [There’s slight relief that he’s not going to be made to sleep elsewhere (though honestly he won’t blame Rin if Rin demands it and actually had wondered whether or not he should even return to their room after what he’d said). But… that later.]

[Aside from the room, it seems the rest of the castle is dark and uninviting, and Rin doesn't need to pull back the curtains to know the outside doesn't fair any better. If he thinks he can try and fool Sousuke into believing otherwise though, then he's probably worse off than he thought... Still, stubbornness keeps him going, and by the time he's halfway across the room he's managed to stabilize his legs. He can say he sat on them weird, that they fell asleep and they're just waking up now. A little white lie on top of more little white lies.

How much longer will he have to keep this up?

Not for long, looks like, because soon Sousuke reaches out for him and with a gentle, surprised noise he stops and glances over his shoulder. This again... He's not gonna push him up against a door this time though, is he?]

... I'm tired.

[That's not a lie.]

We're both tired. And we've been thinking a lot so--

[Looking away again, but not walking off just yet. The hair falling over the back of his neck leaves his skin feeling especially sensitive, so he twitches out of reflex, like he wants to reach up again to brush it away.]

That's all.

[Well, it is night time right now. A few hours before sunrise at that. The night is at its darkest probably, to say nothing of the atmosphere smothering the castle due to Sousuke’s actions. He hasn’t even had to look outside the windows to know that the sakura are drooping and there is no longer a breeze to carry the falling petals through the air. It seems as if that image is reflected right in front of him now as Rin retreats into the bedroom. Part of him is wavering, wanting to allow Rin to leave and get some rest. Obviously his god knows his body far better than Sousuke does. If it’s really tiredness, he should be a good shinki and leave him alone…

Right?

So then why is Sousuke halfway into the room, one arm stretched out and holding firmly onto a clammy wrist? That surprised noise doesn’t faze him and he continues to watch his god with those same concerned, quiet eyes. There is no pull, no threatening shove like there had been the first day they met. Only the same quietness that Sousuke’s known for even now. … I’m tired.]

No you’re not. Not entirely.

[It’s another lie. One given to protect him all over again. Sacrificing himself once more so Sousuke doesn’t have to deal with something uncomfortable or harsh. And in this case, something he’s probably to blame for, no matter how much Rin feels it’s not so.]

Aa. I am tired… but I can’t rest if you’re hurting.

[So… please…]

Rin.

[… talk to me. It’s what… It’s what friends did, right? That stubborn trust thing… right?]

[Usually, their roles would be reversed in a case like this. Rin would be the one prying and prodding, Sousuke would be trying to walk away and let it die. So what does it say now about the two of them? Sousuke's right. He barely knows him. And yet here he is, holding onto him, quiet but firm with his voice... Does he care? Does he feel obligated to do this just because they're god and shinki?

Rin doesn't know. But... he knows he isn't being fair to him with all these lies and aversions, especially after he's expressed wanting nothing more than an open and honest relationship.

Rin.

He bites his lip when he hears it, his name. The way it eats at him, mocks him. ... He has to swallow down a lump in his throat before he can speak again. Right. This is what friends do. And Rin trusts Sousuke more than anyone.]

... I don't know what it is. [He can't see it, only feel it, and with his free hand he touches his hair where it falls over his neck, fingers carefully pressing but not sweeping it back just yet.] But it's been hurting for a couple hours.

[He doesn’t feel right letting it end this way. Obviously Rin’s not feeling well and Sousuke knows it has something to do with him, with “them” and what happened. He thought about shutting up and leaving his god to know what’s best for him… but his concern and guilt pushed past that thought. Ironically, he knows if the situation were reversed, he’d be doing the same thing Rin’s doing now. (It actually ready has, considering Sousuke hadn’t wanted to talk to Rin about the “theft incident” for a long while even when his god prodded him.)

The reminder firms his decision and he makes sure his hand remains gripping Rin’s wrist. This guy he’s professed to not know anything about. And yet here he is, refusing to let him go away and sleep because he’s not feeling well. Apparently he does care. More than he’s let on the past. Who’s fault is that?

Sousuke doesn’t know how, but he knows Rin’s biting his lip right now. Resisting. Wanting him to shut up and leave him alone because obviously “everything’ fine” right now. Even though they both know it isn’t. So when he hears that swallow and his voice, it’s a relief and Sousuke’s hackles lower. A little.

Teal eyes move to the area on his neck, looking at it. The hair covers his skin, blocking his view. Hurting… The realization hits him like a punch in the face and his stomach gets cold and heavy. Disappointment, frustration, irritation. They well up inside him.]

I’m blighting you… aren’t I.

[He hadn't ruled it out, blighting, though he only heard it in passing and thus had a vague idea of what it was to begin with. Spurred by guilt, certain actions shinki do will in turn affect their god... What does Sousuke have to feel guilty over when he's done nothing wrong? It makes little sense to Rin and he's angry with himself for even considering Sousuke to be the cause. But if not that, then what?

He's running out of options and solutions and the longer he stands here thinking about that, the more pain he feels. It's not until he hears that quiet realization that Rin oddly enough seems to release completely, letting go of the remaining tension in his hands and legs specifically. Somehow, hearing it out in the open like that feels validating, like they won't have to go back and forth with guessing and vague explanations anymore. He might not be able to see it, but he can feel it... and he can feel Sousuke in his heart just as well.

He's heavy. Heavy and cold and angry. So many emotions flood his veins at once, they leave him dizzy and overwhelmed. Will he ever grow used to this? Something tells him not...

Answer him. Tell him 'no'. Tell him something to ease the pain for them both.]

... Yes.

[And I know you don't mean to.]

Edited 2016-12-17 11:45 (UTC)

[It’s like watching a wall come down. His hands slowly unfurl, his legs look like they’re about to sag (or at least not stand with his knees locked together like bolts), shoulders and body relaxing. And Sousuke gets the silent affirmation that his statement is dead on. Blight. He doesn’t know a whole lot about it, but he knows it’s both a discomfort and danger to the gods that are afflicted by it. So many people have told him he could have blighted Schuldig as a method of fighting against him (not that he could have considering circumstances).

And now, he’s standing here, watching his own god suffer under the affliction. Blight. The effect of a shinki disobeying their god or doing something they’re morally opposed to, as he understands it. And he knows even without Rin opening his mouth that the young god will do everything he can in his head to absolve Sousuke of the blame. You’ll tell me I’ve done nothing wrong, won’t you. Because Rin’s that kind of person. But it’s out in the open now and that’s all the tall shinki needs to accept the blame and shoulder responsibility for it. Even if Rin doesn’t want to admit it. Yes, anger is natural and it’s not wrong to feel it.

But lashing out in anger at someone simply trying to help him?

Hn, he may not remember his parents, if he even has them, but he’s pretty sure that they’d have taught him that lesson. And he’d done that very thing to Rin. The guilt he feels is enough to tell him that. With a soft sigh, Sousuke lets his eyes close and his shoulders drop slightly. He’s tired. Tired of the anger, tired of his weakness, tired of making a mess of things. It’s not his or Rin’s responsibility to play any blame game right now.

What is, however, is helping his god. Thank you. For not trying to lie to me again.]

Come on. [He turns around and gestures for Rin to follow him.] We need to find some holy water, right?

[Rin still wonders about that himself, why Sousuke didn't choose to defend himself in that way against Schuldig while he had the chance, but to ask that would mean prying, and clearly his shinki wasn't in the mood for that at the time. Whether or not he's ok with it now remains to be seen, so he holds his tongue (again) and settles in the painful present they have to deal with now.

Well. At least they can see it. What secrets and pain and raging emotions will do to their relationship. Of course he knows Sousuke doesn't mean it and there's nothing he can say or do to convince Rin he's done something wrong, because, yes, unfortunately Rin's that kind of person. Both of them, stubborn and defiant even when they crack and break...

Rin smiles in spite of himself. Oddly, this feels right, feels more like who they should be. His smile fades though as soon as Sousuke mentions holy water... It's not that he doesn't want to, but--]

The closest place is-- [They shouldn't. It'll hurt. But... Sousuke needs him to be at his best.] --by the pool.

[He has an easy and immediate answer for that, something he’s realized and reluctantly admitted to himself during the conversations he’s had tonight. If Rin wants to ask, he’ll let him know. But right now, “Sousuke” isn’t the topic; it’s Rin and what’s affecting him right now. There’s a lot they probably aren’t saying to each other, because Sousuke’s pride and Rin’s care continue to clash in these ways. Maybe they’ll eventually come to terms.

Since there’s proof of it sitting in front of their eyes right now. He’d kept things to himself to the point of finally exploding over the network and blighting his own god. While Rin wants to believe Sousuke’s done nothing wrong, the shinki feels opposite, hating the idea that Rin somehow blames himself for all of this. It’s not Rin’s fault. But neither of them are going to admit that or concede to the other. They’re stubborn, too stubborn.

But he can at least put some of that stubbornness to better use now. He doesn’t have to look over his shoulder to see the faded smile. It comes through in the heavy pause and finally in the quiet answer. The pool… the place that had given Sousuke such a reaction he’d almost gone catatonic. They’d avoided it since then.

Sousuke looks over his shoulder this time, eyes lingering on Rin’s face.]

Then come on. We’re going to the pool.

[Healing Rin of the blight is more important than Sousuke’s reaction to the pool.]

[After this mess settles, then they can come back and discuss whatever they want, assuming they don't pass out first. As it is, Rin doesn't want to potentially aggravate any more pain for either of them with reckless conversation, so he keeps quiet to get this over with as soon as possible. They'll come to terms. Eventually. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

But first they'll have to tackle this unfortunate hurdle.

He meets that gaze with one of his own, and though he seems exhausted he's managing to keep his eyes open and even take a couple steps to follow behind. The last time they saw the pool, their experience was awful, to say the least, but avoiding the problem won't do them any good and they can't afford to look for another source of holy water on such short notice. Sousuke needs Rin to be at his best. He needs to be able to fight with him and protect him if need be. He's in no condition to do either of those things now.]

I can teleport us there.

[Might take him a moment to focus, but he can try.]

Just give me a second.

[There’s a lot that can come “after” this. A lot that will. Sousuke’s apologized and now he’s confronting Rin’s blight and his own guilt. But beyond that., there’s the entire future sitting in front of them. He’s always known that Rin’s cared for him. But it’s not really punched through his stubborn mind until now. He’s seen just how much it hurts him to see Sousuke’s suffering, how much it hurts Rin to have Sousuke reject him… and how much it hurts himself to see Rin in pain. It’s uncomfortable and painful and he doesn’t want to ever see it again. And he’s not talking about the blight…

Sousuke quietly keeps his gaze on Rin’s, waiting for him to accept and move. They can talk about more of this later. They might not even get to it tonight. Maybe they’ll argue tomorrow or the next day about it. That’s fine. So long as right now, Sousuke’s able to absolve Rin of the pain he’s suffering under. They can move forward after that. Soon. Sousuke wants that… He wants to move forward now. Wants to actually try to trust Rin of his own accord now. It’s been a rude wake up call, but the truth is staring him in the face plain as day now.

Maybe confronting the pool in some way mirrors whatever the two of them are confronting in each other. He nods at the mention of teleporting, but seeing Rin’s attempt to focus and balance…]

Aa. [Sousuke steps back into the room, moving to his god’s side. And silently takes one of Rin’s arms and loops it over his shoulders and the back of his neck. Let me be your strength.] Lean on me.

[For as much as Rin wants their partnership to work out, he doesn't want to force Sousuke to accept it or even ease into it if his heart truly tells him not to. It's why he's upset things ended up this way, with Sousuke approaching him first to apologize and now standing here with guilt in his heart. He feels as if he's forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do. Maybe he didn't want to see him tonight. Maybe he didn't want to speak to him or associate with him ever again. And now here he is, moving forward, calling him his friend...

He doesn't want to see him this way again either.

Rin's about to make his way over to Sousuke's side when his shinki does the work for him and to his surprise even takes his arm to loop it over his shoulders.]

Hey. Careful. It might hurt you too.

[The spot burns and tingles, and no matter if it's small or not, he doesn't want to risk blighting Sousuke by mistake. He doesn't expect him to let up or change his mind though, so after taking a second to more evenly distribute his weight he takes a deep breath then channels some of his energy towards his core. Now let's see. What did it look like? Where is it in relation to them? Another second, another image-- Now.

Gripping onto Sousuke's shirt, Rin sends them both drifting through time and space and in no time at all they're back on their feet, only this time with the scent of chlorine lingering in the air. It's still dark, but with the god's presence the lights in the water flicker to life to bathe the large room with a pale blue hue. He's sure it's beautiful. A sight he's missed and been away from for far too long.

But as soon as they arrive, Rin slumps forward, head hung, and reaches up to touch the tender skin on his neck while the sting persists. It's almost like being cut.]

[At the moment, the two of them are going to guilt themselves into circles trying to silently joust over who was forcing who into doing what. They had their own thoughts about who was to blame, their own opinions as to who was sacrificing himself for the other. Sousuke knew just how stubborn his god and he were, so arguing over the issue wasn’t going to get either of them anywhere. At the moment, all he could do was apologize and try to help remove the blight from Rin before it got any worse between them. But honestly, Rin should know by now that if Sousuke doesn’t want to do something, he isn’t going to do it.

He can’t feel the spot that Rin’s indicated, but he knows it must hurt. Sousuke pushes the thought from his head and tries to control his feelings. No, feeling that way will only make it worse for Rin. They have to accept what happened and move on. Guilting or grudging will only make things worse.]

Maybe. But we can handle that at the pool, right?

[He doesn’t know if the blight can transfer to him, but he doesn’t go touching the area either. Best not to risk it. Sousuke braces himself as Rin adjusts his stance, waiting until he’s ready to move, or at least comfortable enough to travel. There’s a soft, deep breath and a moment later, they’re gone. The world fades around them and drifts in a way he’s always found hard to describe. Only that he knows they’re moving. And then they’re there.

The lights flick on and in a moment, Sousuke finds himself standing in front of the pool. Its blue waters glow upwards amid the dark grounds around it, illuminating the two of them with a mystical, watery bath of light. And instantly, the feelings start again. Revulsion and panic slam into his chest so hard, his heart begins to hammer against his ribs. Teal eyes widen, staring at the water as it laps within the pool. Fear and something ominous and threatening claws at his chest and mind. Telling him to leave, to get out of there--]

Rin!

[All of that vanishes in an instant when he feels Rin slump and Sousuke swings his head to look at his god, concern dilating his eyes. Is he unconscious, can he hear him?] Oy. Rin. [He reaches around with his other arm, catching onto Rin’s shoulder and holding him. For a moment, he hesitates, but then shifts his body. And picks the other boy clean off the ground, one arm around his upper back, the other cupping under his knees. He’s carrying him like this; deal with it.]

Which one has the holy water?

[At this moment in time, Rin isn't sure who or what he's supposed to believe and whether or not it would be morally right to do so. Ever since arriving here, he's been at war with himself. His sense of justice, his pride, morale, and emotions. Just because he believes certain practices and laws are wrong in this world, doesn't mean they actually are by the higher ups' standards. He can fight and argue and disagree with everything as much as he wants... and in the end this will be the result. This awful sting, the agonizing weight within his chest.

Is any of the pain truly worth it?

Rin doesn't respond to Sousuke's question, because once they're moving through time and space, funny enough, there's no time to form a proper response. In an instant, they've arrived, and in an instant the walls seem to be shrinking in on them, tighter and tighter with each suffocating sensation Sousuke feels. Revulsion, panic, distrust. He wants to leave, he has to leave, and if he doesn't--

Were he more experienced with this, he might be able to stand on his own two feet. He might be able to speak clearly, normally, and casually walk himself to the water source without his shinki's assistance. But he's brand new and he's terrified and truth be told, the moment Sousuke catches onto his shoulder, Rin has to bite back a startled yell. He's still a human under all of this, a human that's telling him he's going to die if they don't fix this quick. So... it's probably for the best that Sousuke takes action when he does, hoisting him up off the ground quick enough to make Rin's head spin.]

I'm fine, I'm fine... Oy...

[He'd complain more about this, but it's hard to concentrate when all he wants to do is keep adding pressure to his neck. Still, somehow he cracks one eye open and slowly gestures across the room to where a door leads to another, much smaller room inside. He should have teleported them in there to begin with, but, again. New to this. The pool was the first thing on his mind.]

Edited 2016-12-28 13:25 (UTC)

[Sousuke expects the silence. Both of them are dealing with things that they’ve probably never dealt with before. Even with all his talk about shinki being tools and servants, in the harsh reality of things, the gods, most of them, are just as much pawns to whoever is running this place as the shinki that serve them. Sousuke isn’t sure what he’s expected to do or what’s expected of him. Rin has his own expectations of him (or “wants” at least), other shinki think one way, other gods think another, all of them probably not thinking what the ones overseeing all of this are thinking. It’s simply a confusing mess that neither of them asked for and now havet to deal with.

However, all Sousuke cares about right now, however, is stopping Rin’s pain. That much is clear.

It even trumps the reaction he has to the pool. With Rin’s attempted reassurances that he’s fine (he’s not), Sousuke at least is able to stand by him. And contend with himself. The water remains to their side, glowing gently, and he once more feels the mixture of revulsion and allure. As much as he wants to leave this room and never come back, he likewise wants to take a running dive right into the waters and stay there until he’s completely sated. It’s a strange feeling and he has no idea why he’d even feel such ways towards a pool. But he does… and it bothers him in the back of his mind.

Feeling the tension in Rin’s shoulders reminds him of why he’s here and Sousuke pulls his gaze from the pool, returns it to where it’s supposed to be: Rin. He feels like apologizing for the slight scare, but considering his god’s response to his earlier apology… he’ll skip it. It’s not only Sousuke who’s feeling bad right now. After all, Rin’s still human despite being a god. Right? Just like Rin’s always told Sousuke. So he makes his move, picking the other boy up whether he likes it or not and turns his back to the pool. The warmth pressing to his chest is comforting and he wonders if he’ll actually carry Rin longer than he should… A fleeting thought, but one none the less.]

Aa.

[Sure, sure he’s fine. “Fine” and dandy. Sousuke doesn’t believe it for a moment and moves forward, following Rin’s gesture instead. Across the room, into a small door where another room opens in front of him. For a moment, he stands still, staring at the room in a mixture of surprise and amusement. He’d seen the door before, but they’d not stayed down here long enough to explore (because of him). Now, he’s through the door and… well…]

You really are a romantic.

[Because look at this room. Petals and all. Sousuke quietly closes the door behind him with a catch of his foot and ankle, blocking out the sight of the pool. It might help him… and thus help Rin by proxy. Moving forward, Sousuke stops in front of the pool and looks down at Rin. His god… Without waiting to ask, Sousuke simply walks forward and steps into the small pool. Doesn’t even give himself time to think about the water or the pool. Focused only on Rin and Rin alone. And that comforts him far more than anything else.]

Here…

[And slowly lowers down, sinking until Rin’s body up to his chin is submerged in the water.]

[Rin wants to do his part and reassure Sousuke that he'll be ok too, even if the situation is unstable and uncomfortable the longer it lasts. He did promise to support him, to act as a pillar of strength as much as Sousuke himself. But in this state, the can't bring himself to say much, and it frustrates him to no end. If only he paid more attention to Sousuke, then none of this would have happened. He could be strong for him, honest and unafraid. Instead he has to be carried, his weak frame illuminated by the pale blue water which taunts him with his reflection.

Hasn't he given Sousuke enough stress? Hasn't he pushed him past his breaking point one too many times? Just before the door opens and they step through, Rin opens his eyes again and furrows his brow at the shoulder he's leaning against, almost as if he can see right through the fabric of his shirt. Back then... and now this...]

Huh?

[He slowly tilts his head towards the room, distracted... and almost rolls his eyes at what he sees. Petals, dim lighting, the works. He might be romantic, but even Rin has to admit this is overkill. Anyway, none of that matters right now. Only the water, which he's prepared to step down to once Sousuke shuts the door behind them. At least that would have been the plan if only someone hadn't gone ahead and walked straight in, clothes and all.

His first instinct is to panic, heart leaping as he peers over at the water below. Carrying him over here was one thing, but actually helping him in?]

O-oy, Sousuke--

[he begins to protest, one hand coming up to touch his shinki's arm, but he's already being lowered, and if he squirms too much he's afraid he might send them both toppling forward into the shallow water. So in the end he holds still, even if it feels incredibly uncomfortable having water seep into his clothes the deeper he goes. Bits cling to his skin by the time he's halfway settled, though once the water begins to pool around his neck, his breath cuts short and all focus turns to that stinging spot once again. It stings but it tingles, like a dull hum beneath the surface of his skin...

Finally, with a quiet sigh, Rin feels the ache starting to dissipate, leaving him tired but rejuvenated at the same time. It's been a long time since he's touched the water like this... Experiencing it is even more satisfying than banishing this blight.]

... Let go.

[he mutters softly. I want to feel the water completely.]

[Rin can do his part when he’s able to walk again. Sousuke knows any attempt to reassure him that his god’s fine is a lie. A lie for his own sake, wanting him not to worry, but a lie nonetheless. He won’t have any of that. Right now, all he wants is for the blight to somehow go away and for Rin to feel better. If that can happen, both of them are going to get better. But the longer this lasts, the more the two of them are going to keep feeling bad for each other because of each other and down the dark spiral they’ll go without end. It’s unfortunate and stupid and not for the first time does Sousuke wonder just what sort of partners they’re supposed to be.

After all, what two people… function this way together? So close and loyal, yet so crackled and challenging. They promised to support each other and here they are, damaging each other and bringing the other down all the while trying to lie to themselves and each other that everything is fine. Seeing themselves as each other’s stress. Frustrated they’ve not done or have done this or that to drive the other to this point. It’d be laughable if it weren’t so pathetic.

Sousuke tries not to think about any of that obvious realization as they move within the private pool room. The petal lick through the water, bounding against his hips and chest as he steps down into the pool. But as sickeningly sweet and romantic as this is, it’s a relief to Sousuke’s eyes. Because this pool has to mean that Rin will feel better. That the pain can stop and his god can regain his strength. It’s why they came here, right? So what if he walks in with his clothes still on. Had Rin expected him to wait for him to strip?

He hears that stuttered protest, knows that Rin’s going to try to stop him because of his reaction to pools in the past. But Sousuke tightens his grip and grits his teeth, eyes narrowing on the wall across from them. Shut up. Don’t think about it. It’s just water. Move forward and make sure Rin’s in the pool so he can absolve himself of that painful blight. Focus on what matters. Focus on Rin. Focus on you. Don’t focus on me.]

It’s fine.

[His tone’s calm despite being a little tight, and the hard muscles in his arm are solid beneath his skin when Rin touches his limb. But he’s not stopping and his bicep flexes as he lowers the god down into the pool. He does hope, at least, Rin doesn’t kick or squirm or something. Even if he’s chest-deep in the water, he’d rather not end up getting tugged face first into it. And yeah… it feels uncomfortable. Shirt sticking to his skin, pants fluttering around his hips and legs, soaking fabric bumping around. Sousuke deals with it though and looks down at Rin, concern in his gaze. He just wants him to feel better…

Finally, he gets a quiet sigh; it sounds a lot better than the pained clench of Rin’s teeth and his tight breath. Though he can’t see it or feel it, he “senses” that something’s happening. Something good. At the quiet murmur, Sousuke nods and gently releases his grip on the other boy’s shoulders and legs. It’s only a second before Rin’s sinking beneath the surface of the water, petals floating over to block his face and leaves Sousuke silently gazing down at the water.

It… it feels nice. The water. The nauseated feeling, the fear and panic of dread he’s first experienced when he encountered the pools, seems to be fading the longer he stays here. That’s… that’s good too.]

[Rin used to question it when they first started out as kids, to be honest. But somehow, they always managed to work things out between them one way or another, so he ended up tucking that question away to be forgotten. He didn't have to know why they worked, just that they did. And now that they're starting over, he wants it to stay that way. Of course Sousuke will wonder and ask questions--after all, it's just like he said: he doesn't even know who Rin is. The most Rin can do was try to reassure him, day in, day out, until all of this doesn't feel so out of place.

They can get back to that place... They have to.

In order to do that, they'll have to soldier through many difficult obstacles. Like this, for example, which is bound to be one of several more. He senses Sousuke's tension as he holds onto him, knows he's afraid and uncomfortable the longer he stands surrounded by water, but Rin trusts him to not let go... and hold on he does, focusing, persevering-- Even now you still think about me.

It's tempting to stay this way for a few more minutes, but the water's call is too powerful, and in the end, Rin's grateful Sousuke listens and heeds his request. He's been stagnant for far too long. Wandering in circles but never really getting anywhere... And as he slowly begins to submerge, he allows his eyes to shut and heart beat in tune with the rhythm of the water's movement as it rebounds off the walls and embraces his frame. He always feels so light like this, even when he sinks. As if there's nothing and no one else but the water...

Rin won't have much room to move. Still, he makes the most of it, and before hitting the bottom of the little pool he maneuvers his legs and turns his body towards the floor so he can glide off to the other side. The shifting petals on the surface is the only indication he's on the move, and once Rin finally runs out of space he touches the opposite wall then rises up with a loud gasp. Petals cling to his hair and shoulders while water spills over his face, then with a noticeably steady hand he pushes his bangs back and touches the nape of his neck for good measure. Well... he isn't shaking anymore. It doesn't burn, it doesn't sting... He swam.

He's panting softly once he looks across the water where he left his shinki last and with a nod he manages a little smile. It worked.]

Thank you... Sousuke.

[Sousuke watches his god slide under the water. It’s a strange feeling. This guy’s become the most constant thing in his life. He’s frustrated him to no end. He’s comforted him more than anything else he’s experienced. He’s answered him as best he can. He’s kept things from him because he has to. He’s trained with him and always reminded Sousuke that he’s human. He’s respected his individuality and his wants. He’s suffered when Sousuke’s frustrations swelled beyond his limits. He’s kept a firm hand to reign in his shinki when he does things he doesn’t know are bad for him. They’ve answered prayers together, they’ve made mistakes together, they’ve spent amusing mornings together. His entire life, new and short as it is, has more or less been revolved about Rin.

And now he’s watching him sink beneath the surface like he’s dead.

Yeah, it’s a morbid thought, but considering how limp Rin is and the way the water closes around him after soaking into his clothes… The red petals that settled amid the center of the inward ripple seem to seal off the deal and Sousuke’s eyes focus on the figure beneath the shimmering surface. He doesn’t think Rin’s stupid; he knows he’s not in any danger of drowning… and yet, his heart is going ninety miles an hour, his entire body is as hard as a rock and tense as a wire. He’s terrified. Every muscles and nerve screams for him to scramble out of the water and run up the stairs to the top of the castle…

But he’s also calm. The water laps around his chest and he seems to feel it in a familiar sense. Like it’s happened before. There’s something inside him that enjoys the touch. The way the water licks against his skin and offers to support him. If he were to merely give a small hop, he’d be floating within the pool. Its embrace invites him as much as it repels him. While he wants to say it’s only the sight of Rin beneath the water that keeps him here… it’s a lie. It’s the water. The pool. He wants to be here, where he can open his fingers and slide his arms forward, feeling the pool flow between his fingers and caress his knuckles. His beating heart makes his wrists hot, but the water cools them down. Its rhythmic touch does the opposite of his fears.

Teal eyes, wide as they are, can’t block any of it out. And most definitely not the sight of his god suddenly go drifting through the water. Turning to face the floor, his legs moving in a manner than can only be called practiced. Sousuke can’t help but stare at the way Rin moves, gliding beneath the surface like… like some kind of shark. It’s graceful and surreal, banishing for a moment both fear and comfort and replaces the pair with complete awe. Rin’s swimming… It’s a sight he’s never seen before and it sinks into his mind, the barest brush of the water heralding his path beneath it, dotted with floating petals of red. He’s captivated immediately… and as Rin rises from the water, bangs pushing back and his hand touching an obviously-no-longer-hurting neck, it’s the shinki’s throat that run’s dry and his legs alternate between weak and locking up.

Rin’s looking at him… and he’s suddenly aware he probably looks like a stupid fool right now. The shinki blinks once and abruptly looks to the side, heard averted and his hands slid into his soaking pockets.]

It’s fine.

[He wonders what he's going to find when he rises up from the water. He wonders if he'll find Sousuke out of the water, sitting on the edge, or even halfway out the door. So when he opens his eyes and wipes the droplets from his cheeks, he's... relieved, he thinks, to see his shinki still standing where he left him. He doesn't know why he stayed. He could have left a long time ago, didn't even need to come down here with him in the first place. But here he is, watching him, staring at him... looking away once he probably realizes Rin's staring right back.

Rin isn't a mind reader and he's never really aspired to be one, but in this moment he wishes he could know what went through the other boy's head as he stood there alone, chest deep in the water. His exact thoughts, words, fears. Anything to explain why he looks the way he does. Ultimately, Rin holds his tongue, and with water cooling on his skin he crosses his arms over his torso and grabs the bottom hem of his shirt to start pulling it up over his head. The warm water should be relaxing, but more than anything it leaves his skin teeming with energy.]

I can send you back upstairs now. I know you're uncomfortable down here.

[he says as he squeezes excess water from his shirt and sets it aside on the floor. Back to Sousuke, a somewhat sad smile on his lips,]

If it's ok with you, I-- [A beat... then,] --I'm going to swim for a while.

[He’s still in the water. Somehow. The dual clash of panic and relax is doing things to his body and mind he really doesn’t like. Sousuke does his best to keep his face blank of the internal conflicts however. He’s here for Rin, to make sure that his god’s blight is gone and he feels better. What the shinki feels is secondary right now. So he stays in the water, trying to somehow find a merger between the two sensations twining around him. It’s even harder since half his body wants to go ramrod straight and wire tense and the other half wants nothing more than to go lax and sink into the water to float and drift away in peace.

Rin rising from the surface and catching Sousuke staring at him only tops that mess with a proverbial cherry and Sousuke finds the wall beside them far more interesting. If Rin can’t read his thoughts, but feel his emotions, he’s going to find that twisting maelstrom within the taller boy. Compounded with frustration over his inability to synchronize himself and his embarrassment over getting caught staring at his god’s dripping body. Only made even more intense when Rin reaches down and grip the underside of his shirt. Wet fabric peels off skin and Sousuke presses his lips together, fully reminded of his first morning with Rin as his god came tearing into the bathroom when he was mid-shower.

Fingers curl into tighter fists in his pocket as Rin speaks to him. Being ‘sent’ somewhere irks him, but Rin admitting he knows of Sousuke’s current discomfort bothers him more. It’s frustrating to be so… exposed. To be weak and a mess. But he does his best to shove all of those emotions out the window so he doesn’t ruin Rin’s better state. With a quiet nod, Sousuke turns away from him and walks through the water, leaving it to pour and sluice down his back and hips as he climbs the stairs out of the pool.

As much as he wants to… the awkwardness and conflict within him wins out and he retreats from the obstacle.]

Aa. Have fun. I’ll be upstairs.

[The moment he’s not looking at the water, not standing in it, both the panic and relax seem to fade, leaving him calmer. It’s a relief, unfortunately. He doesn’t see it, but he hears that sadness in Rin’s voice.]

Ja ne.

[And quietly heads for the door, toeing out of his shoes along the way there. He’ll be dripping all over the floor, but at least he can walk barefoot without soggy sneakers.]

[As touching as it was for his shinki to bear his own pain just to bring Rin to safety, Rin feels more awkward and guilty, if anything. Yes, they're supposed to be a team. They need to work together and protect each other... but lately he doesn't feel as if he's done his part. Especially now when there's so much conflict and uncertainty in their relationship, he should be the one reassuring Sousuke and comforting him above anything else. Not even as a god... but as a friend.

Even if he can't sense those same stinging emotions from before, Rin knows there's still confusion and hurt plaguing his best friend's heart. It may be more tolerable, but it's still painful... But just as before, Rin can't bring himself to say anything about it, not now, and while Sousuke pulls himself out of the water his smile slowly begins to fade. He'll be alone up there. It's a long walk back and he might lose his way...

... Foolishly, stubbornly, he hoped he would stay.]

Yeah...

[Then, hopefully before Sousuke has the chance to step out the door,]

Take the bed, ok? I... probably won't be sleeping tonight anyway.

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