Heaven's BBS | Text & Video ~ A Stolen Voice

[takenwithhim]

Posted: May 21st
From: Sousuke Yamazaki

What are shinki?

I’ve not been here long, so I don’t know the truth. Apparently no shinki can. But I’ve experienced enough.

I don’t like it.

We’re shinki. We weren’t told anything upon our arrival. All we knew is that we’re dead and know nothing else. Other shinki probably had the same experience I did: stumble around until someone told me I had to find a god or something before something bad happened to me. We have to rely on whatever our gods tell us as the truth. We’re told we’re supposed to help our gods with their duties and wants and protect them or fight for them. We can’t exist without you; gods give us form and prevent us from fading away. We have to depend on you to survive.

So what are we to you?

I have a god. A Master. He tells me that I’m human more than I’m his shinki. I don’t know if I believe him entirely.

Not all Masters are like that, are they. Some don’t care what a shinki feels. I guess that’s not far from the truth though. After all, shinki are really nothing more than tools to gods. Gods can pick us up simply because they want something from us. Maybe you feel good having us at your side because you think we remind you of something. Maybe you want us because we’re useful to you or you like our looks or fit your fighting style or powers.

But if it doesn’t work out, if we piss our gods off or don’t please them, they’re allowed to discard us like a broken item. Gods can even cycle through us one after another until they’ve found the perfect tool to fit their current needs. And when you’re done, you can throw us away until you’re ready to use us again. Or left to wander for someone else to maybe pick up before we fade away into nothing.

And we have no choice but to come when you call us whether we want to or not. Because we’re nothing without you. We’re valuable possessions to keep close or useful but expendable objects to get the job done.

I don’t know if all gods are aware of this; I know the shinki aren’t. Gods can even steal shinki from another god without asking. Force a new name upon us and give us a new form and power. And if we’re stubborn, apparently blackmail and threats are just as effective. Or you can simply hurt us until we break or get rid of us because we’re not working as you want. Like we’re some kind of toy for your amusement.

We’re told we’re entering a partnership with our gods, but in reality, it only goes one way. We have to choose between vanishing or living as a weapon, companion, prize, tool, whatever, for a god we don’t even know.

If you’re a shinki, think about this. If you’re a god, ask yourself why you have a shinki.


[A video feed flicks on. A full moon glows yellow in the sky above, encircled by spiraling clouds. The edge of a sakura tree billows pink and gentle at one side of the screen, releasing ghost-light sakura petals into the winds that carry them away. It’s silent, some for himself to gather his thoughts, some for letting whoever’s listening to him think. Maybe it is rambling, but the experience he went through…]

So what are our rights? Does anyone want to tell me how this is supposed to work?

All of this may not be something some of you gods care about.

But the shinki should know.

[His is a quiet voice, deep like the dark waters far below the surface of the sea.]

I’m aware I’m probably a rare case; most of the gods I’ve met seem decent. Some of you say you’d never act like I’ve described or think like this towards a shinki. That we can trust you. But we don’t know you. So how can we trust you? Ultimately we have to trust our gods because we don’t know anything else. Whether you use that to your advantage or not is up to you.

It’s a disgusting feeling to know you’re powerless against someone else. I can be stolen and wielded by any god who wants me, regardless of how I feel about it. And if I don’t want that, I have to eternally stick by my Master’s side like a frightened child. We’re not free; we can’t even rely on ourselves because our powers, beyond the borderline, is useless unless directed by a god. I didn’t want this, I don’t know if any shinki does.

[A quiet breath seeps backwards above the screen and the edge of a shirt sleeve flutters into view on one side of the screen. Sousuke’s leaning against the wall beside the window, not in sight, but obviously here if someone feels like talking.]

And if any of you gods haven’t yet learned how to track or trace your shinki, you should start working on that now. Otherwise you're going to find yourself out a useful tool for a while simply because some other god wants to do something different for a change.

Comments

[takenwithhim]

[He’s still in the water. Somehow. The dual clash of panic and relax is doing things to his body and mind he really doesn’t like. Sousuke does his best to keep his face blank of the internal conflicts however. He’s here for Rin, to make sure that his god’s blight is gone and he feels better. What the shinki feels is secondary right now. So he stays in the water, trying to somehow find a merger between the two sensations twining around him. It’s even harder since half his body wants to go ramrod straight and wire tense and the other half wants nothing more than to go lax and sink into the water to float and drift away in peace.

Rin rising from the surface and catching Sousuke staring at him only tops that mess with a proverbial cherry and Sousuke finds the wall beside them far more interesting. If Rin can’t read his thoughts, but feel his emotions, he’s going to find that twisting maelstrom within the taller boy. Compounded with frustration over his inability to synchronize himself and his embarrassment over getting caught staring at his god’s dripping body. Only made even more intense when Rin reaches down and grip the underside of his shirt. Wet fabric peels off skin and Sousuke presses his lips together, fully reminded of his first morning with Rin as his god came tearing into the bathroom when he was mid-shower.

Fingers curl into tighter fists in his pocket as Rin speaks to him. Being ‘sent’ somewhere irks him, but Rin admitting he knows of Sousuke’s current discomfort bothers him more. It’s frustrating to be so… exposed. To be weak and a mess. But he does his best to shove all of those emotions out the window so he doesn’t ruin Rin’s better state. With a quiet nod, Sousuke turns away from him and walks through the water, leaving it to pour and sluice down his back and hips as he climbs the stairs out of the pool.

As much as he wants to… the awkwardness and conflict within him wins out and he retreats from the obstacle.]

Aa. Have fun. I’ll be upstairs.

[The moment he’s not looking at the water, not standing in it, both the panic and relax seem to fade, leaving him calmer. It’s a relief, unfortunately. He doesn’t see it, but he hears that sadness in Rin’s voice.]

Ja ne.

[And quietly heads for the door, toeing out of his shoes along the way there. He’ll be dripping all over the floor, but at least he can walk barefoot without soggy sneakers.]

[sharkmaid]

[As touching as it was for his shinki to bear his own pain just to bring Rin to safety, Rin feels more awkward and guilty, if anything. Yes, they're supposed to be a team. They need to work together and protect each other... but lately he doesn't feel as if he's done his part. Especially now when there's so much conflict and uncertainty in their relationship, he should be the one reassuring Sousuke and comforting him above anything else. Not even as a god... but as a friend.

Even if he can't sense those same stinging emotions from before, Rin knows there's still confusion and hurt plaguing his best friend's heart. It may be more tolerable, but it's still painful... But just as before, Rin can't bring himself to say anything about it, not now, and while Sousuke pulls himself out of the water his smile slowly begins to fade. He'll be alone up there. It's a long walk back and he might lose his way...

... Foolishly, stubbornly, he hoped he would stay.]

Yeah...

[Then, hopefully before Sousuke has the chance to step out the door,]

Take the bed, ok? I... probably won't be sleeping tonight anyway.

[takenwithhim]

[He doesn’t think Rin’s at all that stupid. Of course he’ll see through his silence and curt departure. Of course he’ll know that nothing’s “all right” at the moment. Sure, they’re in better straights than they were a few hours ago. Sousuke’s not bitterly talking all over the network about his experience and distrust, Rin’s not suffering from the blight, they’ve made somewhat amends for the things Sousuke’s said to Rin over the network. But everything’s still in the air. There are cracks and discomforts, frustrations and lack of understanding. Who supports who here? Who’s not doing his part? Who could do better? All those questions and more and there are no right answers to them.]

Aa,

[Sousuke appreciates Rin’s silence. He’s not bringing up those things he obviously knows, the things Sousuke can feel in his back as Rin’s eyes linger on him. It’s why he doesn’t turn to look at him as he opens the door. Because if he did… It’s not hard to feel the smile in the room fading. Staying, however, isn’t an option. He could be stubborn and force himself, but it’s obvious he wouldn’t enjoy his time here. Rin deserves to have some time to himself to enjoy the swim as best he can without someone dragging him down. And honestly, Sousuke’s tired. More than tired. Exhausted. It’d only been his concern and adrenaline over Rin’s blight that’d prevented him from simply crashing upon returning to their room.

If he hears the comment about taking the bed before closing the door, he gives no indication, and silently shuts the panel behind him. It’s a nice offer of Rin, but… After he gets back to their room, grabs a shower, dries off, and pulls on a pair of shorts, Sousuke ends up the same place he usually sleeps: on the floor beside Rin’s bed (though at least they’ve got a nice mattress/cot thing down there because of course Rin wouldn’t allow him to keep sleeping on the stone ground).

Someday, they might get another bed in here.]