Heaven's BBS | Text & Video ~ A Stolen Voice

[takenwithhim]

Posted: May 21st
From: Sousuke Yamazaki

What are shinki?

I’ve not been here long, so I don’t know the truth. Apparently no shinki can. But I’ve experienced enough.

I don’t like it.

We’re shinki. We weren’t told anything upon our arrival. All we knew is that we’re dead and know nothing else. Other shinki probably had the same experience I did: stumble around until someone told me I had to find a god or something before something bad happened to me. We have to rely on whatever our gods tell us as the truth. We’re told we’re supposed to help our gods with their duties and wants and protect them or fight for them. We can’t exist without you; gods give us form and prevent us from fading away. We have to depend on you to survive.

So what are we to you?

I have a god. A Master. He tells me that I’m human more than I’m his shinki. I don’t know if I believe him entirely.

Not all Masters are like that, are they. Some don’t care what a shinki feels. I guess that’s not far from the truth though. After all, shinki are really nothing more than tools to gods. Gods can pick us up simply because they want something from us. Maybe you feel good having us at your side because you think we remind you of something. Maybe you want us because we’re useful to you or you like our looks or fit your fighting style or powers.

But if it doesn’t work out, if we piss our gods off or don’t please them, they’re allowed to discard us like a broken item. Gods can even cycle through us one after another until they’ve found the perfect tool to fit their current needs. And when you’re done, you can throw us away until you’re ready to use us again. Or left to wander for someone else to maybe pick up before we fade away into nothing.

And we have no choice but to come when you call us whether we want to or not. Because we’re nothing without you. We’re valuable possessions to keep close or useful but expendable objects to get the job done.

I don’t know if all gods are aware of this; I know the shinki aren’t. Gods can even steal shinki from another god without asking. Force a new name upon us and give us a new form and power. And if we’re stubborn, apparently blackmail and threats are just as effective. Or you can simply hurt us until we break or get rid of us because we’re not working as you want. Like we’re some kind of toy for your amusement.

We’re told we’re entering a partnership with our gods, but in reality, it only goes one way. We have to choose between vanishing or living as a weapon, companion, prize, tool, whatever, for a god we don’t even know.

If you’re a shinki, think about this. If you’re a god, ask yourself why you have a shinki.


[A video feed flicks on. A full moon glows yellow in the sky above, encircled by spiraling clouds. The edge of a sakura tree billows pink and gentle at one side of the screen, releasing ghost-light sakura petals into the winds that carry them away. It’s silent, some for himself to gather his thoughts, some for letting whoever’s listening to him think. Maybe it is rambling, but the experience he went through…]

So what are our rights? Does anyone want to tell me how this is supposed to work?

All of this may not be something some of you gods care about.

But the shinki should know.

[His is a quiet voice, deep like the dark waters far below the surface of the sea.]

I’m aware I’m probably a rare case; most of the gods I’ve met seem decent. Some of you say you’d never act like I’ve described or think like this towards a shinki. That we can trust you. But we don’t know you. So how can we trust you? Ultimately we have to trust our gods because we don’t know anything else. Whether you use that to your advantage or not is up to you.

It’s a disgusting feeling to know you’re powerless against someone else. I can be stolen and wielded by any god who wants me, regardless of how I feel about it. And if I don’t want that, I have to eternally stick by my Master’s side like a frightened child. We’re not free; we can’t even rely on ourselves because our powers, beyond the borderline, is useless unless directed by a god. I didn’t want this, I don’t know if any shinki does.

[A quiet breath seeps backwards above the screen and the edge of a shirt sleeve flutters into view on one side of the screen. Sousuke’s leaning against the wall beside the window, not in sight, but obviously here if someone feels like talking.]

And if any of you gods haven’t yet learned how to track or trace your shinki, you should start working on that now. Otherwise you're going to find yourself out a useful tool for a while simply because some other god wants to do something different for a change.

Comments

[takenwithhim]

[Rin can do his part when he’s able to walk again. Sousuke knows any attempt to reassure him that his god’s fine is a lie. A lie for his own sake, wanting him not to worry, but a lie nonetheless. He won’t have any of that. Right now, all he wants is for the blight to somehow go away and for Rin to feel better. If that can happen, both of them are going to get better. But the longer this lasts, the more the two of them are going to keep feeling bad for each other because of each other and down the dark spiral they’ll go without end. It’s unfortunate and stupid and not for the first time does Sousuke wonder just what sort of partners they’re supposed to be.

After all, what two people… function this way together? So close and loyal, yet so crackled and challenging. They promised to support each other and here they are, damaging each other and bringing the other down all the while trying to lie to themselves and each other that everything is fine. Seeing themselves as each other’s stress. Frustrated they’ve not done or have done this or that to drive the other to this point. It’d be laughable if it weren’t so pathetic.

Sousuke tries not to think about any of that obvious realization as they move within the private pool room. The petal lick through the water, bounding against his hips and chest as he steps down into the pool. But as sickeningly sweet and romantic as this is, it’s a relief to Sousuke’s eyes. Because this pool has to mean that Rin will feel better. That the pain can stop and his god can regain his strength. It’s why they came here, right? So what if he walks in with his clothes still on. Had Rin expected him to wait for him to strip?

He hears that stuttered protest, knows that Rin’s going to try to stop him because of his reaction to pools in the past. But Sousuke tightens his grip and grits his teeth, eyes narrowing on the wall across from them. Shut up. Don’t think about it. It’s just water. Move forward and make sure Rin’s in the pool so he can absolve himself of that painful blight. Focus on what matters. Focus on Rin. Focus on you. Don’t focus on me.]

It’s fine.

[His tone’s calm despite being a little tight, and the hard muscles in his arm are solid beneath his skin when Rin touches his limb. But he’s not stopping and his bicep flexes as he lowers the god down into the pool. He does hope, at least, Rin doesn’t kick or squirm or something. Even if he’s chest-deep in the water, he’d rather not end up getting tugged face first into it. And yeah… it feels uncomfortable. Shirt sticking to his skin, pants fluttering around his hips and legs, soaking fabric bumping around. Sousuke deals with it though and looks down at Rin, concern in his gaze. He just wants him to feel better…

Finally, he gets a quiet sigh; it sounds a lot better than the pained clench of Rin’s teeth and his tight breath. Though he can’t see it or feel it, he “senses” that something’s happening. Something good. At the quiet murmur, Sousuke nods and gently releases his grip on the other boy’s shoulders and legs. It’s only a second before Rin’s sinking beneath the surface of the water, petals floating over to block his face and leaves Sousuke silently gazing down at the water.

It… it feels nice. The water. The nauseated feeling, the fear and panic of dread he’s first experienced when he encountered the pools, seems to be fading the longer he stays here. That’s… that’s good too.]

[sharkmaid]

[Rin used to question it when they first started out as kids, to be honest. But somehow, they always managed to work things out between them one way or another, so he ended up tucking that question away to be forgotten. He didn't have to know why they worked, just that they did. And now that they're starting over, he wants it to stay that way. Of course Sousuke will wonder and ask questions--after all, it's just like he said: he doesn't even know who Rin is. The most Rin can do was try to reassure him, day in, day out, until all of this doesn't feel so out of place.

They can get back to that place... They have to.

In order to do that, they'll have to soldier through many difficult obstacles. Like this, for example, which is bound to be one of several more. He senses Sousuke's tension as he holds onto him, knows he's afraid and uncomfortable the longer he stands surrounded by water, but Rin trusts him to not let go... and hold on he does, focusing, persevering-- Even now you still think about me.

It's tempting to stay this way for a few more minutes, but the water's call is too powerful, and in the end, Rin's grateful Sousuke listens and heeds his request. He's been stagnant for far too long. Wandering in circles but never really getting anywhere... And as he slowly begins to submerge, he allows his eyes to shut and heart beat in tune with the rhythm of the water's movement as it rebounds off the walls and embraces his frame. He always feels so light like this, even when he sinks. As if there's nothing and no one else but the water...

Rin won't have much room to move. Still, he makes the most of it, and before hitting the bottom of the little pool he maneuvers his legs and turns his body towards the floor so he can glide off to the other side. The shifting petals on the surface is the only indication he's on the move, and once Rin finally runs out of space he touches the opposite wall then rises up with a loud gasp. Petals cling to his hair and shoulders while water spills over his face, then with a noticeably steady hand he pushes his bangs back and touches the nape of his neck for good measure. Well... he isn't shaking anymore. It doesn't burn, it doesn't sting... He swam.

He's panting softly once he looks across the water where he left his shinki last and with a nod he manages a little smile. It worked.]

Thank you... Sousuke.

[takenwithhim]

[Sousuke watches his god slide under the water. It’s a strange feeling. This guy’s become the most constant thing in his life. He’s frustrated him to no end. He’s comforted him more than anything else he’s experienced. He’s answered him as best he can. He’s kept things from him because he has to. He’s trained with him and always reminded Sousuke that he’s human. He’s respected his individuality and his wants. He’s suffered when Sousuke’s frustrations swelled beyond his limits. He’s kept a firm hand to reign in his shinki when he does things he doesn’t know are bad for him. They’ve answered prayers together, they’ve made mistakes together, they’ve spent amusing mornings together. His entire life, new and short as it is, has more or less been revolved about Rin.

And now he’s watching him sink beneath the surface like he’s dead.

Yeah, it’s a morbid thought, but considering how limp Rin is and the way the water closes around him after soaking into his clothes… The red petals that settled amid the center of the inward ripple seem to seal off the deal and Sousuke’s eyes focus on the figure beneath the shimmering surface. He doesn’t think Rin’s stupid; he knows he’s not in any danger of drowning… and yet, his heart is going ninety miles an hour, his entire body is as hard as a rock and tense as a wire. He’s terrified. Every muscles and nerve screams for him to scramble out of the water and run up the stairs to the top of the castle…

But he’s also calm. The water laps around his chest and he seems to feel it in a familiar sense. Like it’s happened before. There’s something inside him that enjoys the touch. The way the water licks against his skin and offers to support him. If he were to merely give a small hop, he’d be floating within the pool. Its embrace invites him as much as it repels him. While he wants to say it’s only the sight of Rin beneath the water that keeps him here… it’s a lie. It’s the water. The pool. He wants to be here, where he can open his fingers and slide his arms forward, feeling the pool flow between his fingers and caress his knuckles. His beating heart makes his wrists hot, but the water cools them down. Its rhythmic touch does the opposite of his fears.

Teal eyes, wide as they are, can’t block any of it out. And most definitely not the sight of his god suddenly go drifting through the water. Turning to face the floor, his legs moving in a manner than can only be called practiced. Sousuke can’t help but stare at the way Rin moves, gliding beneath the surface like… like some kind of shark. It’s graceful and surreal, banishing for a moment both fear and comfort and replaces the pair with complete awe. Rin’s swimming… It’s a sight he’s never seen before and it sinks into his mind, the barest brush of the water heralding his path beneath it, dotted with floating petals of red. He’s captivated immediately… and as Rin rises from the water, bangs pushing back and his hand touching an obviously-no-longer-hurting neck, it’s the shinki’s throat that run’s dry and his legs alternate between weak and locking up.

Rin’s looking at him… and he’s suddenly aware he probably looks like a stupid fool right now. The shinki blinks once and abruptly looks to the side, heard averted and his hands slid into his soaking pockets.]

It’s fine.

[sharkmaid]

[He wonders what he's going to find when he rises up from the water. He wonders if he'll find Sousuke out of the water, sitting on the edge, or even halfway out the door. So when he opens his eyes and wipes the droplets from his cheeks, he's... relieved, he thinks, to see his shinki still standing where he left him. He doesn't know why he stayed. He could have left a long time ago, didn't even need to come down here with him in the first place. But here he is, watching him, staring at him... looking away once he probably realizes Rin's staring right back.

Rin isn't a mind reader and he's never really aspired to be one, but in this moment he wishes he could know what went through the other boy's head as he stood there alone, chest deep in the water. His exact thoughts, words, fears. Anything to explain why he looks the way he does. Ultimately, Rin holds his tongue, and with water cooling on his skin he crosses his arms over his torso and grabs the bottom hem of his shirt to start pulling it up over his head. The warm water should be relaxing, but more than anything it leaves his skin teeming with energy.]

I can send you back upstairs now. I know you're uncomfortable down here.

[he says as he squeezes excess water from his shirt and sets it aside on the floor. Back to Sousuke, a somewhat sad smile on his lips,]

If it's ok with you, I-- [A beat... then,] --I'm going to swim for a while.

[takenwithhim]

[He’s still in the water. Somehow. The dual clash of panic and relax is doing things to his body and mind he really doesn’t like. Sousuke does his best to keep his face blank of the internal conflicts however. He’s here for Rin, to make sure that his god’s blight is gone and he feels better. What the shinki feels is secondary right now. So he stays in the water, trying to somehow find a merger between the two sensations twining around him. It’s even harder since half his body wants to go ramrod straight and wire tense and the other half wants nothing more than to go lax and sink into the water to float and drift away in peace.

Rin rising from the surface and catching Sousuke staring at him only tops that mess with a proverbial cherry and Sousuke finds the wall beside them far more interesting. If Rin can’t read his thoughts, but feel his emotions, he’s going to find that twisting maelstrom within the taller boy. Compounded with frustration over his inability to synchronize himself and his embarrassment over getting caught staring at his god’s dripping body. Only made even more intense when Rin reaches down and grip the underside of his shirt. Wet fabric peels off skin and Sousuke presses his lips together, fully reminded of his first morning with Rin as his god came tearing into the bathroom when he was mid-shower.

Fingers curl into tighter fists in his pocket as Rin speaks to him. Being ‘sent’ somewhere irks him, but Rin admitting he knows of Sousuke’s current discomfort bothers him more. It’s frustrating to be so… exposed. To be weak and a mess. But he does his best to shove all of those emotions out the window so he doesn’t ruin Rin’s better state. With a quiet nod, Sousuke turns away from him and walks through the water, leaving it to pour and sluice down his back and hips as he climbs the stairs out of the pool.

As much as he wants to… the awkwardness and conflict within him wins out and he retreats from the obstacle.]

Aa. Have fun. I’ll be upstairs.

[The moment he’s not looking at the water, not standing in it, both the panic and relax seem to fade, leaving him calmer. It’s a relief, unfortunately. He doesn’t see it, but he hears that sadness in Rin’s voice.]

Ja ne.

[And quietly heads for the door, toeing out of his shoes along the way there. He’ll be dripping all over the floor, but at least he can walk barefoot without soggy sneakers.]

[sharkmaid]

[As touching as it was for his shinki to bear his own pain just to bring Rin to safety, Rin feels more awkward and guilty, if anything. Yes, they're supposed to be a team. They need to work together and protect each other... but lately he doesn't feel as if he's done his part. Especially now when there's so much conflict and uncertainty in their relationship, he should be the one reassuring Sousuke and comforting him above anything else. Not even as a god... but as a friend.

Even if he can't sense those same stinging emotions from before, Rin knows there's still confusion and hurt plaguing his best friend's heart. It may be more tolerable, but it's still painful... But just as before, Rin can't bring himself to say anything about it, not now, and while Sousuke pulls himself out of the water his smile slowly begins to fade. He'll be alone up there. It's a long walk back and he might lose his way...

... Foolishly, stubbornly, he hoped he would stay.]

Yeah...

[Then, hopefully before Sousuke has the chance to step out the door,]

Take the bed, ok? I... probably won't be sleeping tonight anyway.

[takenwithhim]

[He doesn’t think Rin’s at all that stupid. Of course he’ll see through his silence and curt departure. Of course he’ll know that nothing’s “all right” at the moment. Sure, they’re in better straights than they were a few hours ago. Sousuke’s not bitterly talking all over the network about his experience and distrust, Rin’s not suffering from the blight, they’ve made somewhat amends for the things Sousuke’s said to Rin over the network. But everything’s still in the air. There are cracks and discomforts, frustrations and lack of understanding. Who supports who here? Who’s not doing his part? Who could do better? All those questions and more and there are no right answers to them.]

Aa,

[Sousuke appreciates Rin’s silence. He’s not bringing up those things he obviously knows, the things Sousuke can feel in his back as Rin’s eyes linger on him. It’s why he doesn’t turn to look at him as he opens the door. Because if he did… It’s not hard to feel the smile in the room fading. Staying, however, isn’t an option. He could be stubborn and force himself, but it’s obvious he wouldn’t enjoy his time here. Rin deserves to have some time to himself to enjoy the swim as best he can without someone dragging him down. And honestly, Sousuke’s tired. More than tired. Exhausted. It’d only been his concern and adrenaline over Rin’s blight that’d prevented him from simply crashing upon returning to their room.

If he hears the comment about taking the bed before closing the door, he gives no indication, and silently shuts the panel behind him. It’s a nice offer of Rin, but… After he gets back to their room, grabs a shower, dries off, and pulls on a pair of shorts, Sousuke ends up the same place he usually sleeps: on the floor beside Rin’s bed (though at least they’ve got a nice mattress/cot thing down there because of course Rin wouldn’t allow him to keep sleeping on the stone ground).

Someday, they might get another bed in here.]