HEAVEN'S BBS | TEXT

[tadanokusuriuri]

Posted: May 14
From: Anonymous


It seems that I require advice.

Recently, I was... unable to control my emotions in my god's presence. He said something that aroused a suspicion in me, though without the truth of my memory, I cannot easily explain why. The way that he reacted to what he felt from me... now leads me to question what I assumed in that moment.

I have not been able to learn if he was blighted at all, but I suspect he may have been. It seems unlikely that he didn't cry.

I understand that damage of this sort is a risk to god and shinki when we are called on to fight together. What I ask of you, then, is this:

How am I to amend it?


[[OOC: TRIGGER WARNING, especially if your character digs at what made him suspicious and uncomfortable, for potential discussion of sexual and domestic abuse! He doesn't remember any of the abuse survivors he encountered through his work in life on a conscious level, of course, but what made him get all upset was basically misunderstanding a situation as potentially sexual and then hearing "not taking no for answer." If you'd like to reply to this post but would rather avoid some aspect of that, please let me know either in an OOC comment or on my Plurk (cognitiveleague) what I should avoid bringing up, and I'll be happy to work with you!]]

Comments

from: Cho Hakkai

[reformedsinner]

Let go of any feelings of guilt that may linger as a result of the incident. I recommend speaking to your god about it if you believe there was a misunderstanding.

If any blight was involved, you will have a mark somewhere on your own body as well. Be sure that both your blight and your god's are cleansed once you have resolved the feelings.

Shinki aren't required to maintain perfect control of all of our emotions at all times, but you should be particularly vigilant against remorse, by whatever method you prefer.

still anon

[tadanokusuriuri]

I understand. Unresolved regret can make itself... troublesome. I will purge myself of it, without fail.

Such reckless emotion was... as much a surprise to me as to him, I think. It isn't... "like me".

Now I know better than to let my guard down so easily. I won't be so careless again.

[reformedsinner]

In my experience, it is easier to avoid troublesome issues if you make an effort to understand your god and honestly express any concerns.

Attempting to hide emotions can be toxic to the relationship between you, and is not effective in any case.

[tadanokusuriuri]

It is not my aim to conceal the truth. However...

I can't allow emotions to control me. And until now... it didn't seem a risk.

[reformedsinner]

I understand.

Feeling emotions is not the same as being controlled by them. It's an unfortunate fact that feeling those emotions affects our gods regardless of our actions, though.

There are a few strategies you could try. Justifying your own choices to yourself, to avoid negative responses, is one. Striving for mutual understanding with your god is another. Asking to be released is a third, if your perspectives are incompatible.

[tadanokusuriuri]

It isn't that I don't usually feel anything.

But until now, the emotions I felt were wind blowing over a still lake. Small movements on the surface, gone without a trace when the storm dies down.

Something stirred under the water, this time. I had no way of knowing it was there, until it did. That sort of ignorance is... risky.

Anon

[miraculo]

the blight I had.... I didn't tell my shinki about it when it first happened. thinking back on it, that was the worst choice I could make, even if I didn't want to worry him.

but if you let it sit, it gets worse, and the next two times blight happened just exacerbated it.

i learned that a god is foolish to hide their blight from those that are there to guide them, and who they care about. their partners and friends. ideally we should all communicate openly with each other.

so... if you truly care about yourself and your god, you would talk to them about it, and be open with how you feel.

[tadanokusuriuri]

[His reaction to that is... complicated, and he knows it's not safe to question it as much as he wants to.]

[The truth is important. Emotional clarity is important.]

[But revealing things about himself feels... irrelevant, somehow? A pointless, almost irritating distraction from what he really wants to be dealing with.]

I don't intend to let the wound go untreated.

But...

What I do feel is usually much more calm. It never caused problems before, and I don't understand... why it changed so suddenly.

I don't... know how to speak of it.

[miraculo]

(๑ˊ▵ॢˋ̥๑) it's okay if you sometimes become emotional. i don't think that's something to be scared of, or ashamed, especially if you became suspicious. if i had to guess, it maybe a subconscious reaction to something. you're talking about it now, so that's good.

if you DID blight your god, it will show on your body as well-- just differently. vestigial eyes can appear somewhere you're least likely to notice, like on your back or right at your hairline on your neck.

for blight caused by touching an ayakashi, holy water and purification is good enough. but for blight caused by a strain in emotion, it's different. from my understanding, blight that's not addressed and culminates over a period of long time may take more work, maybe even an ablution. for my shinki and i, to get rid of the blight we had to... well, we had to talk. no ablution was necessary, but he apologized and we used holy water.

[tadanokusuriuri]

I'm not ashamed, I don't think, but...

Concerned.

I feel certain that I shouldn't allow myself to be led by emotions.

It seems there's a small trace of blight. Not very much at this point, but I'll ensure that it's dealt with.

[...Once he figures out how to talk to his god. But he's working on it! He's good at figuring things out, if nothing else.]

[miraculo]

[ She can understand wanting to keep emotions from someone else in order to not worry them, but it looks like his reasons are different. ] it's good to keep a clear head.... but it's also important to follow your heart. if you have a instinct that something might be wrong, there's no harm in following it so long as you're careful. maybe that's just how your emotions "speak" to you. [ To put it poetically. ]

can i ask what your god said? or what made your suspicious?

Private

[tadanokusuriuri]

My god can be... unaware of how provocative his wording can seem, at times. When he summoned me to speak with him, he said something that made me start to wonder if he was truly unaware, or if it was his intention to... make advances.

He wanted me to invite me to do something with him, but when I asked what it was, he didn't explain. He tried to get me to go with him, and told me he wasn't "taking no for an answer."

He was just excited, to show me some new pastime. But for a moment, I... miscalculated.

anon

[revolutionfalcon]

[He's only anon for the sake of not outing his own shinki who anonymously asked for advice the other week, on the off chance something related comes up.]

Discuss it with your god. Though it doesn't sound like your god is one of them, some can't tell if their shinki is having anxieties about them. If they weren't blighted by this, they might not be sure where they and you stand now, and it'd be smarter to get that out of the way as soon as you can.

As for the emotions, this sounds like an instinctive reaction to a wrong assumption. The emotions probably weren't the problem as much as the wrong idea that led to them were, so think twice about it in future. It might not mean what you think.
But that could be harder depending on what it was that set it off.

[tadanokusuriuri]

I held my assumption for only a moment, and yet...

That was time enough for my emotions to strike at him.

By the time I had thought better of it, the damage was done.

[revolutionfalcon]

That makes it harder, because again, that sounds instinctive. Knowing what exactly it was that set it off would help in training yourself out of it, but in a shinki's case it'd be too dangerous to try and figure that out.

Then again, I don't think your god can reasonably expect you to stop feeling something like that, especially not straight away.

[tadanokusuriuri]

My god is... a very emotional person. They take things very personally.

I will try, in the future... to be more wary of feelings I haven't examined.

[This is really the first time his intuition has been wrong, and it's going to be tough learning to trust his instincts enough for them to be useful while still questioning them before they can do any damage.]

[revolutionfalcon]

Then this isn't just you. He needs to get over himself - if he takes all feelings he gets from you or any other shinki he might end up with personally, he's going to endanger you both.

Probably the best way to handle it. It might not be fully effective, but almost no gods actually want shinki to fully restrain emotions.

[tadanokusuriuri]

For the moment, it's only the two of us. But I'll keep the advice in mind as I guide him.

It isn't... that I restrain them consciously, as a rule. I simply don't feel very many of them intensely.

Anon

[volksdaemon]

Stop being so emotional, obviously. A god needs their shinki to be good little tools; of course they aren't going to be entirely honest with you.

[tadanokusuriuri]

The hand that holds the sword was forged for a purpose, as much as the sword itself.

[...Anyway, that sounds literally nothing at all like his god's view on things. Donut isn't really capable of dishonesty, he doesn't think.]

[volksdaemon]

Yeah, keep telling yourself that. The sword still doesn't get a say in which way it's gonna swing.

Anon - text

[returnedfromtheline]

Weapons who are shinki do.

Oh man hi

[volksdaemon]

[Schuldig of course has no idea it's a different anon.]

Oh really? I haven't seen that myself. Mine are quite content to be weapons only.

[tadanokusuriuri]

For now.

[tadanokusuriuri]

Any good weapon... requires skill to wield.

But some more so than others.