HEAVEN'S BBS | TEXT

[tadanokusuriuri]

Posted: May 14
From: Anonymous


It seems that I require advice.

Recently, I was... unable to control my emotions in my god's presence. He said something that aroused a suspicion in me, though without the truth of my memory, I cannot easily explain why. The way that he reacted to what he felt from me... now leads me to question what I assumed in that moment.

I have not been able to learn if he was blighted at all, but I suspect he may have been. It seems unlikely that he didn't cry.

I understand that damage of this sort is a risk to god and shinki when we are called on to fight together. What I ask of you, then, is this:

How am I to amend it?


[[OOC: TRIGGER WARNING, especially if your character digs at what made him suspicious and uncomfortable, for potential discussion of sexual and domestic abuse! He doesn't remember any of the abuse survivors he encountered through his work in life on a conscious level, of course, but what made him get all upset was basically misunderstanding a situation as potentially sexual and then hearing "not taking no for answer." If you'd like to reply to this post but would rather avoid some aspect of that, please let me know either in an OOC comment or on my Plurk (cognitiveleague) what I should avoid bringing up, and I'll be happy to work with you!]]

Comments

perma private/anon etc

[miraculo]

oh.... well, i don't think that it's unreasonable to be suspicious with something like that. or unreasonable to be bothered by it. [ That's... really all the advice she has on that subject though. But if this anon did jump to conclusions, his god certainly could have tapped into his memories to figure out why and be more diplomatic. She knows that, being a god here herself.

However, a "God's Greatest Secret" is the memories of their shinki. Their past. Even mentioning it in passing is said to sow the seeds down to their transformation into an ayakashi. ] but i will say this, a god ought to know who you are. blight is a terrible thing to happen to either god or a shinki. but in some respects it is a way to let the god know that they have done something wrong, if the shinki does not agree with them personally, morally, or spiritually. a shinki is our guide, or reminder to what it is to not be a god. and as gods who are supposed to serve this world and all in it, it's important to understand our shinkis as well.

[tadanokusuriuri]

For a moment, I was more than suspicious.

I felt, in the moment I misjudged him, that he made me sick. That if he were to die before my eyes, I wouldn't raise a hand to save him.

It shocked me. I never...

Since I was brought here and named, I never felt anger before.

But I was wrong, not him. I saw that in his reaction, when he felt my anger. He's foolish, perhaps, but he's always been kind, and... I don't know why I was so quick to judge him.

[miraculo]

that angry, huh? yes, that's a lot more concerning....

i'm sorry, i don't have much of an answer. there have been times that i've been disgusted with others as well, that i could only see their extermination as redemption. [ Being a miko who exorcises youkai and the like, she used to not have any mercy for the spirits, or empathy for why they did the things they did or what they became after they were corrupted. She's come to realize that she's exorcised many without thought, some of them benign.

A part of her is still like that, coming out when she needs to battle. ] if anger like that happens again, the best thing you can do it take a step back. believe what you feel, but question that there may be another way to resolve something unpleasant.

[tadanokusuriuri]

That's difficult, if he can feel what I feel. Even if I don't allow it to control me, it seems the feeling alone can hurt him.

[miraculo]

no no no nooo!! your emotions are your own, even if he can feel them. no one should fault you for feeling what you feel!

if he's blighted, there's a way to purify it. if he's stung, you can talk and explain why you feel a certain way. the worst thing to do would be to decide to not feel at all! the best thing to do is to take a step back and address those feelings when such anger or sorrow or any other negative emotion does occur. if you done so properly, it can help the next time something like that happens so it's not as bad. [ ...Or so she believes. ] emotions are beautiful things! if it hurts us gods, then so what? we're all better than that; we can work through these problems!!

[tadanokusuriuri]

...It isn't only concern for him.

The ayakashi.

They grow strong on emotion -- on fear, on anger, on desire, on despair. To fall prey to those things...

Is that not to strengthen them? To fuel their corruption?

[miraculo]

maybe if you're near ayakashi, then yes! but everyone knows that it's best to be calm in battle anyway, even when it's most likely that it's during a battle that one may feel negative emotions.

all of those things are natural to feel on their own. it's not-- or rather it should not-- be a sin to be fearful or angered. animals feel those emotions, i'm sure. and even i as a god feel angry or fearful sometimes, too!

listen, you have to be okay with who you are and what you feel.

[tadanokusuriuri]

Don't misunderstand. I'm not afraid or ashamed to feel emotions.

I don't feel them. I don't feel very strong emotions at all. What I do feel is... fleeting. Easily let go.

Ordinarily.

[miraculo]

ordinarily....

well, what do you think it means, that this time was different? was it just a slip of your control, or something else?

[tadanokusuriuri]

"A slip of control" is... not quite right.

It is... no effort, to control most things. But this came on... too suddenly to anticipate. I was... unprepared.

[miraculo]

oh, then... i'm sorry. i don't really know, then. it sounds like some kind of subconscious reaction. i'm sorry i can't be of more help.

[tadanokusuriuri]

Not at all.

You've been terribly gracious.