Heaven's BBS | ~Video~

[takenwithhim]

From: Sousuke Yamazaki
When: Early October

[It’s rare that he posts to the BBS; Sousuke’s quiet nature and sometimes-over-focus kind of leads to that little problem. Content to dwell with his own life and his own small circle of friends and duties. But sometimes, the private life just doesn’t cut it. Especially when said private life is the entire reason for breaking his silence and going outside that small circle.

The video feed clicks on with a quiet sound, light blazing from the screen for a second until it adjusts to the scenery. It’s soon obvious he’s alone. Considering the presence of a black jacket barely resting at the peripheral of the video’s frame, it’s likely he’s holding the screen to his side. Deliberately not pointing the feed at himself. Instead, there’s a lovely shot of a quiet patch of natural garden, complete with trickling spring, breezing of clear air, and the ever-present drizzle of pink sakura petals from the surrounding grove Eros’ castle temple is renowned for.


There’s a moment of silence, semi-awkward on his end, before Sousuke finally outs with it. His tone’s calm, musing.]

Can a god and a shinki be more than god and shinki? [A measure before adding in a lower voice.] Or will it make problems between them?

[Yeah, it’s vague, he knows. The nature of god and shinki is a complex relationship. But Sousuke’s not honest enough with his softer emotions and being open to other people to outright ask the serious/embarrassing question:

What happens if you find yourself attracted to your own god?]

Comments

[reformedsinner]

It depends on whether you're more worried about the problems it might cause, or the regret you'd feel if you didn't try.

After all, none of us can trust that we'll be here for long. I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about the future, in your place.

[takenwithhim]

The former more than the latter. The latter we can deal with later.

I know we're not guaranteed tomorrow. But I don't want to mess up today.

[reformedsinner]

Well, no one can promise you that there won't be problems when you try to change a relationship.

Are there any now?

[takenwithhim]

[Oh he knows there are going to be problems. Unfortunately.]

A god's bond to his shinki and a shinki's amnesia.

[Being the biggest two he's concerned about.]

text; private

[reformedsinner]

Are you afraid that growing too close to him will spur you to try to remember things you shouldn't?

If that's so... then I'm sorry, I can't recommend that you try it, after all.

In a case like that, you're only asking for tragedy.

text; private

[takenwithhim]

Probably not "spur", but by accident... maybe.

[Silence for a while, but then...]

I hate this. I can distract myself from it as many times as I want, but in the end, a shinki is never safe.

text; private

[reformedsinner]

No. You probably won't remember accidentally, but if he says something, or you try too hard to remember...

I was a shinki once, and I cared very much for someone who had known me in life. Although we both survived, it didn't end well.

[takenwithhim]

[Sousuke's normally quiet. Calm and self-controlled. But he's only human. Things build up. And right now...]

I need to know, Hakkai.

My god's done everything he can to protect me. I've trained to keep my mind in control. But... I know Rin knew me before I died.

How far can we go? I try not to think of things; I try not to remember. But is it true that one slip or nostalgia will ultimately kill me?

[No minced words. He wants to know the limits. If Hakkai'd been a shinki, then he should know just how frustrating it is to be shackled like this. Sousuke can run and retreat each time that horrible feeling of dread begins to rise in his stomach, but...]

I don't want to lose him.

[reformedsinner]

Have you remembered anything so far?

[It's true that one slip can be fatal... but not a slip of Sosuke's. A slip of his god's.

Gojyo hadn't ever slipped up. He'd been careful, even when Hakkai wasn't; even when Hakkai tried desperately to reach beyond the implacable borders of his own forgetfulness. And reaching had blighted him, when he knew it was wrong, but it had never killed him.

It's more dangerous, when there are some pieces, but not all.]

[takenwithhim]

No. I do my best to distract myself or run if I get the feeling.

[He only knows that Rin knew him before he died.]

I have an inkling of two things, but nothing beyond that... feeling.

[He's doing his best not to think of either of those inklings right now. Even counting the letters in the text in front of him to keep his brain occupied.]

[reformedsinner]

You can't remember accidentally. Whether you try or don't try, it won't come back.

Sometimes, if there's something you have remembered, it can lead to other ideas, and that can be more dangerous... and I mean a true memory, not a guess. It does happen to new shinki, sometimes.

But the only thing that would destroy you is if your god were to make a mistake. Not you.

[takenwithhim]

I don't know if that's a relief or not.

[Not having to worry about an accidental memory coming up and starting a crazy spiral towards his demise is a relief.

Sousuke does his best not to guess at himself, but circumstances have led to assumptions. Knowing it happens to new shinki, sometimes at least, is... good?]

My god's not likely to make a mistake. We haven't slipped up and we've been together over a year.

[reformedsinner]

I don't know, either.

[On one hand: they can't accidentally push themselves too far, not without the assistance of someone who does know more than they do. On the other hand... those memories simply remain, dangerous and tantalizing, too far away to reach, and sometimes that's almost worse than the fear of destruction.]

But if you trust him, then... you're the one taking the risk, after all. The decision should be yours to make.

[takenwithhim]

It should be. ... but I trust him.

[All of them should be free to make their own choices, but gods are bound by their own limits, just like the shinki. It's really a twisted system, even moreso for certain pairs. But they have to deal with it... a steep price for a second chance.]

Hakkai. Do you know anything about nostalgia?

[Last question topic and he'll stop picking your brain.]

[reformedsinner]

That depends on what you want to know about it.

[takenwithhim]

I know my god knew me when I was alive.

But there are things I can do that make me assume I could do them when I was alive too.

[reformedsinner]

That shouldn't be dangerous. Don't think about where you learned them, though. There were things I could do that I didn't understand, and doing those things was never dangerous for me.

It's always best to grow comfortable with those skills before you're using them in an emergency, though. You may not remember your limits.

[takenwithhim]

[If this weren't text, Hakkai'd have heard him slouch a little. That's a load of tension off his brain.]

I don't let myself dwell on it. But I know I enjoy it.

[Well that's true, but just to clear things a little.]

No it's nothing like that. Normal things like cooking and athletics like swimming.

I'm pretty sure controlling water is a shinki-only ability.

[reformedsinner]

You can never be sure what you might have been able to do in life. It's not dangerous to accept things you once might have done, or that you still enjoy.

Sometimes it may tell you things you didn't want to know about yourself... but cooking and swimming are safe, I think.

[takenwithhim]

That's good to hear. I don't intend to give those up.

Whatever I find out about myself, I'll handle it when it comes.

[reformedsinner]

Good luck, then. With that, and with your relationship.

[takenwithhim]

Thanks. For your advice.

I needed to hear that.

[reformedsinner]

You're welcome. I suppose I have a different perspective than most, having been both a shinki and a god.

[takenwithhim]

That would give you a better perspective than either solo. At least we have someone like that to talk to.

It'd be nicer if we could at least know what's the reason for all this.

[reformedsinner]

It would. I can't help but think that some of it may be random; who comes here, and why... I still haven't found a meaningful pattern.

And shinki are meant to forget their past. It's stranger, though, that new shinki have sometimes remembered pieces of it.

I wish I had any answers.