Heaven's BBS | ~Video~

[takenwithhim]

From: Sousuke Yamazaki
When: Early October

[It’s rare that he posts to the BBS; Sousuke’s quiet nature and sometimes-over-focus kind of leads to that little problem. Content to dwell with his own life and his own small circle of friends and duties. But sometimes, the private life just doesn’t cut it. Especially when said private life is the entire reason for breaking his silence and going outside that small circle.

The video feed clicks on with a quiet sound, light blazing from the screen for a second until it adjusts to the scenery. It’s soon obvious he’s alone. Considering the presence of a black jacket barely resting at the peripheral of the video’s frame, it’s likely he’s holding the screen to his side. Deliberately not pointing the feed at himself. Instead, there’s a lovely shot of a quiet patch of natural garden, complete with trickling spring, breezing of clear air, and the ever-present drizzle of pink sakura petals from the surrounding grove Eros’ castle temple is renowned for.


There’s a moment of silence, semi-awkward on his end, before Sousuke finally outs with it. His tone’s calm, musing.]

Can a god and a shinki be more than god and shinki? [A measure before adding in a lower voice.] Or will it make problems between them?

[Yeah, it’s vague, he knows. The nature of god and shinki is a complex relationship. But Sousuke’s not honest enough with his softer emotions and being open to other people to outright ask the serious/embarrassing question:

What happens if you find yourself attracted to your own god?]

Comments

[takenwithhim]

[If this weren't text, Hakkai'd have heard him slouch a little. That's a load of tension off his brain.]

I don't let myself dwell on it. But I know I enjoy it.

[Well that's true, but just to clear things a little.]

No it's nothing like that. Normal things like cooking and athletics like swimming.

I'm pretty sure controlling water is a shinki-only ability.

[reformedsinner]

You can never be sure what you might have been able to do in life. It's not dangerous to accept things you once might have done, or that you still enjoy.

Sometimes it may tell you things you didn't want to know about yourself... but cooking and swimming are safe, I think.

[takenwithhim]

That's good to hear. I don't intend to give those up.

Whatever I find out about myself, I'll handle it when it comes.

[reformedsinner]

Good luck, then. With that, and with your relationship.

[takenwithhim]

Thanks. For your advice.

I needed to hear that.

[reformedsinner]

You're welcome. I suppose I have a different perspective than most, having been both a shinki and a god.

[takenwithhim]

That would give you a better perspective than either solo. At least we have someone like that to talk to.

It'd be nicer if we could at least know what's the reason for all this.

[reformedsinner]

It would. I can't help but think that some of it may be random; who comes here, and why... I still haven't found a meaningful pattern.

And shinki are meant to forget their past. It's stranger, though, that new shinki have sometimes remembered pieces of it.

I wish I had any answers.

[takenwithhim]

I think the selection is random, but I've heard speculation it's done to replace the previous ... people or group? that used to do our current duties.

Apparently the older gods didn't act the way the newer gods and shinki do. There were different expectations and even taboos as well.

It's frustrating they would select humans for shinki, but wipe their memories. Humans are curious by nature.

[reformedsinner]

Ah, you mean that they're replacing gods? Well, yes. So far as I can tell, at least.

Not all of us were gods who seemed to have had much presence here before, and some represented gods who had seen very little worship in centuries. It's hard to tell what drives the selection of the missing gods, too.

And it's not just human. But almost all of the older gods' shinki seem to have once been human, too.

[takenwithhim]

Something like that. More there were gods before our ranks, and something happened to them. So they're replacing them with us.

I want to know who's making the selections in the first place. The shinki are dead, but the gods weren't. Most probably had homes and lives left behind.

Aa. It's ironic to punish what unfortunately comes naturally.

[reformedsinner]

There still are plenty of older gods, although admittedly they don't seem interested in socializing with us too often. The ones we replace... well, they do seem to disappear.

I'm not sure why. But -- that said, I don't think that the dangers of memory are a punishment, precisely. It seems to fall on old and new shinki alike.

I've been told that the danger is really that memory will tip us into despair, and I must admit, when I was a shinki... the things that I remembered made it very difficult for me not to despair.

[takenwithhim]

Some of the new gods don't behave inappropriately compared to the old gods. It's not surprising there's a divide.

Hn, probably. The nature of the afterlife, I guess.

I've heard it just takes one memory and it becomes an all-consuming need to know. You're either a blank slate or you're an ayakashi.

Might be exaggeration.

[reformedsinner]

I don't know. Not for certain... when I asked that, I was a shinki, speaking to one of the old gods after I'd regained a fragment of my memory. Perhaps she was trying to reassure me.

I do know that it's never safe to hear anything about your old life. For the older shinki, it seems, even their name is lost.

[takenwithhim]

Aa. It's human to want to know, but... I can handle not knowing.

Now that I know I don't have to walk on eggshells in my own mind.

[Aka: don't go looking, but don't live in paranoia realizing you like apples will trigger your descent into akayashi doom.]

[reformedsinner]

Yes. I'm afraid worrying about it is likely to bother you more than simply accepting what you learn.

May I ask... were you ever frightened? Of the god you know knew you in life?

[takenwithhim]

No one gave me a reason to not worry until now.

... what do you mean by "frightened"?

[Of his god, his god's memories of him, of the things around his god?]

[reformedsinner]

I doubt many people tried as hard as I did to push the limits.

[Not when it could mean destruction-- but then, Hakkai had never found that very frightening. He'd pushed, and he'd been blighted for it, but he was never destroyed.

And he'd never remembered anything for trying. Not even Kanan.]

Frightened... that he might say something, I suppose. That he has that power over you.

[takenwithhim]

They might not have had reason to. Some gods and shinki are content with the arrangement.

[Or don't see how they can challenge it.]

It's clear now he has no intention of saying something. He's very careful.

[Generally they don't ever breach the subject of "what if's" in regards to Sousuke's memories. And Rin's always good about noticing those ominous feelings in Sousuke's gut and drags him away before anything goes further.]

I'm not afraid of his power over me. But neither of us like it.

[reformedsinner]

Or, if not content, at least not willing to take the risk. I couldn't blame anyone for feeling that way.

I'd like to ask for advice, if you don't mind. If you knew someone else, someone you didn't have that trust for yet, had that power, how could they convince you they meant no harm?

[It's not even close to a subtle hypothetical, but Hakkai can't bring himself to care. This is a private conversation, for one thing. For another... Gojyo hasn't been subtle about their connection.]

[takenwithhim]

Aa. Gods vanish and shinki can become ayakashi. Sometimes it's best to lie low and not make waves.

[Ironically, that's exactly what his god and he do. Train, answer prayers, spend time together, sometimes participate in events, and generally try not to put a risk to themselves.

Advice? From him? Oh... okay. The question, however, brings a darker memory back and he frowns slightly.]

I can't give you an unbiased answer. I had another god name me against my will and use me for his own ends. Without my god knowing or his permission.

[If that's fine though, he'll try to offer something useful.]

[reformedsinner]

Was he a red-headed man who liked long coats and went by the name Loki?

[Or are there other gods doing that? Loki isn't a problem anymore, but there's no guarantee that he's the only god who'd try to abuse the shinki bond in that way.]

I'm not asking about how you could learn to trust someone who has already abused that trust. In a case like that, there's no reason you ever should.

But if there's that knowledge, but no trust, yet.... It's a situation many of us are in here, I suppose.

[takenwithhim]

Aa. You talked to me when I posted about it long ago.

[It's been... a very long time. Almost a year? Time flies. Still brings distaste to his mind at the mention of Loki's name. He'll never forget the "touch" of that man's brand on his body.]

I realize that. I don't trust any god other than my own.

But the things Rin's done to build that...

He doesn't abuse his powers over me. He asks my permission before transforming me, collaborates with me when we fight together, and tries as often as possible not to mention he can feel what I feel.

He gives me space and time when I need to work things out for myself, doesn't force his help or opinions on me, and gives me as much freedom as he's able.

But, I guess the most important thing... is that Rin always treats me like a human; he told me over and over again that I'm human. Not a shinki or some tool.

If you want a specific example, I can give you one.

[reformedsinner]

I thought I remembered that... well, he's dead now, at least.

And gone for good, it seems.

Thank you. I didn't mean to ask you something so personal, but it helps.

[It doesn't, really. In some ways-- it's nothing that surprises him, of course. Trust requires a relationship. Trust requires work, and without work, without that day-to-day keeping of faith, it can't be built.]

[takenwithhim]

[While he wishes he could take pleasure in that news, Sousuke finds himself more indifferent than anything else. It was Loki's decision to do what he did. And to deal with whatever consequences came his way.]

I wouldn't have told you if I wasn't comfortable with it.

I take it you know a shinki from your past then?

[Mind you, Sousuke has absolutely no reservations about just how hard it'd been for Rin to build that trust. Sousuke had been a handful as a shinki and had hurt his god a lot during their initial weeks. From blighting to just plain making him sad or frustrated.

But with time and events... and lots of work and effort... things began to change. He still questions it sometimes, when struggles surface, but he doesn't regret or doubt it.]