山崎 宗介 || Yamazaki Sōsuke (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
takenwithhim) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thefarshore2018-02-02 02:53 pm
takenwithhim) wrote in thefarshore2018-02-02 02:53 pm
Entry tags:
- chikusa kakimoto | katekyo hitman reborn,
- d2 | alive,
- obi | akagami no shirayukihime,
- ω earl ciel phantomhive | black butler,
- ω hakkai cho | saiyuki,
- ω mai | dragon ball super,
- ω rin matsuoka | free!,
- ω snow villiers | final fantasy xiii,
- ω sousuke yamazaki | free!,
- ω toshizou hijikata | peacemaker kuro
Heaven's BBS | ~Video~
From: Sousuke Yamazaki
When: Early October
[It’s rare that he posts to the BBS; Sousuke’s quiet nature and sometimes-over-focus kind of leads to that little problem. Content to dwell with his own life and his own small circle of friends and duties. But sometimes, the private life just doesn’t cut it. Especially when said private life is the entire reason for breaking his silence and going outside that small circle.
The video feed clicks on with a quiet sound, light blazing from the screen for a second until it adjusts to the scenery. It’s soon obvious he’s alone. Considering the presence of a black jacket barely resting at the peripheral of the video’s frame, it’s likely he’s holding the screen to his side. Deliberately not pointing the feed at himself. Instead, there’s a lovely shot of a quiet patch of natural garden, complete with trickling spring, breezing of clear air, and the ever-present drizzle of pink sakura petals from the surrounding grove Eros’ castle temple is renowned for.
There’s a moment of silence, semi-awkward on his end, before Sousuke finally outs with it. His tone’s calm, musing.]
Can a god and a shinki be more than god and shinki? [A measure before adding in a lower voice.] Or will it make problems between them?
[Yeah, it’s vague, he knows. The nature of god and shinki is a complex relationship. But Sousuke’s not honest enough with his softer emotions and being open to other people to outright ask the serious/embarrassing question:
What happens if you find yourself attracted to your own god?]
When: Early October
[It’s rare that he posts to the BBS; Sousuke’s quiet nature and sometimes-over-focus kind of leads to that little problem. Content to dwell with his own life and his own small circle of friends and duties. But sometimes, the private life just doesn’t cut it. Especially when said private life is the entire reason for breaking his silence and going outside that small circle.
The video feed clicks on with a quiet sound, light blazing from the screen for a second until it adjusts to the scenery. It’s soon obvious he’s alone. Considering the presence of a black jacket barely resting at the peripheral of the video’s frame, it’s likely he’s holding the screen to his side. Deliberately not pointing the feed at himself. Instead, there’s a lovely shot of a quiet patch of natural garden, complete with trickling spring, breezing of clear air, and the ever-present drizzle of pink sakura petals from the surrounding grove Eros’ castle temple is renowned for.
There’s a moment of silence, semi-awkward on his end, before Sousuke finally outs with it. His tone’s calm, musing.]
Can a god and a shinki be more than god and shinki? [A measure before adding in a lower voice.] Or will it make problems between them?
[Yeah, it’s vague, he knows. The nature of god and shinki is a complex relationship. But Sousuke’s not honest enough with his softer emotions and being open to other people to outright ask the serious/
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[Not when it could mean destruction-- but then, Hakkai had never found that very frightening. He'd pushed, and he'd been blighted for it, but he was never destroyed.
And he'd never remembered anything for trying. Not even Kanan.]
Frightened... that he might say something, I suppose. That he has that power over you.
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[Or don't see how they can challenge it.]
It's clear now he has no intention of saying something. He's very careful.
[Generally they don't ever breach the subject of "what if's" in regards to Sousuke's memories. And Rin's always good about noticing those ominous feelings in Sousuke's gut and drags him away before anything goes further.]
I'm not afraid of his power over me. But neither of us like it.
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I'd like to ask for advice, if you don't mind. If you knew someone else, someone you didn't have that trust for yet, had that power, how could they convince you they meant no harm?
[It's not even close to a subtle hypothetical, but Hakkai can't bring himself to care. This is a private conversation, for one thing. For another... Gojyo hasn't been subtle about their connection.]
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[Ironically, that's exactly what his god and he do. Train, answer prayers, spend time together, sometimes participate in events, and generally try not to put a risk to themselves.
Advice? From him? Oh... okay. The question, however, brings a darker memory back and he frowns slightly.]
I can't give you an unbiased answer. I had another god name me against my will and use me for his own ends. Without my god knowing or his permission.
[If that's fine though, he'll try to offer something useful.]
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[Or are there other gods doing that? Loki isn't a problem anymore, but there's no guarantee that he's the only god who'd try to abuse the shinki bond in that way.]
I'm not asking about how you could learn to trust someone who has already abused that trust. In a case like that, there's no reason you ever should.
But if there's that knowledge, but no trust, yet.... It's a situation many of us are in here, I suppose.
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[It's been... a very long time. Almost a year? Time flies. Still brings distaste to his mind at the mention of Loki's name. He'll never forget the "touch" of that man's brand on his body.]
I realize that. I don't trust any god other than my own.
But the things Rin's done to build that...
He doesn't abuse his powers over me. He asks my permission before transforming me, collaborates with me when we fight together, and tries as often as possible not to mention he can feel what I feel.
He gives me space and time when I need to work things out for myself, doesn't force his help or opinions on me, and gives me as much freedom as he's able.
But, I guess the most important thing... is that Rin always treats me like a human; he told me over and over again that I'm human. Not a shinki or some tool.
If you want a specific example, I can give you one.
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And gone for good, it seems.
Thank you. I didn't mean to ask you something so personal, but it helps.
[It doesn't, really. In some ways-- it's nothing that surprises him, of course. Trust requires a relationship. Trust requires work, and without work, without that day-to-day keeping of faith, it can't be built.]
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I wouldn't have told you if I wasn't comfortable with it.
I take it you know a shinki from your past then?
[Mind you, Sousuke has absolutely no reservations about just how hard it'd been for Rin to build that trust. Sousuke had been a handful as a shinki and had hurt his god a lot during their initial weeks. From blighting to just plain making him sad or frustrated.
But with time and events... and lots of work and effort... things began to change. He still questions it sometimes, when struggles surface, but he doesn't regret or doubt it.]
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I'm afraid he's been frightened of me since we met. Why... I couldn't say.
[Because he's youkai. Because he's too quiet, or says too much; too dangerous, or too calm. Because he can't say what he means, and not merely due to personal failings.
He shouldn't be saying all of this to a teenager he barely knows, either.]
I'm sure he wouldn't agree with that description, either. But it's how he's acted.
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[He can't guess any reason for the fright. Maybe the past or something instinctive. Sousuke initially didn't like Rin too much, but agreed to partner with him for... reasons.
Reasons he couldn't quite describe back then. Or even now. Completely at least.]
If it helps, I was initially terrified of pools.
[This is a sensitive admission, but if Hakkai's being this open with him, he can return some of the trust.]
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[Maybe it is the fear of memory. Maybe...
He'd insisted on trying to get close, the moment he had a hint that someone was a part of his own forgotten past, when he was a shinki. He'd pursued it with obstinate fascination, grasping, wondering. Even when he shouldn't have.
He'd always been a little more self-destructive than he should have been, though. And then there's Gojyo: who's careless, but not self-destructive. No, Gojyo's problem is that he hates himself, and now, it's too easy for him to believe that his forgotten past is nothing, no one, worth remembering.
Hakkai wonders how it is that Gojyo manages to be jealous of a dead man, and refuse what the dead man had had, at the same time.]
Perhaps it's different for every shinki. But I suppose all I can do is be trustworthy.
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While Sousuke is close to Rin and likes being so, both god and shinki handle the risk of his memories seriously. It goes against human nature, but Sousuke's been able to resist his own curiosity so far, determined to remain with Rin and make new memories in exchange.
Perhaps it'll be similar for the person Hakkai's talking about. If it is, Sousuke won't tell him the course is an easy one. It's infuriatingly stressful and even his own stubbornness threatens to fail him at times.
But he has something more important than himself now.]
Aa. I'm sure it is. It's the best advice I can give. Don't give up before you try. Not when this person is important to you.
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Perhaps it's all academic, now. Gojyo had been driven to dangerous extremes to try to separate himself from Hakkai: and when he's willing to go so far to free himself of any connection, is there any way to get close enough to prove his allegiance?
Hakkai still finds himself flinching from thinking of exactly how far, at least now, in the cold light of day. Those thoughts are poison reserved for two a.m., when he can't distract himself anymore.]
It's difficult, but I don't want to give up.
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There are times when Sousuke had put distance between himself and Rin. Most of the time in anger, sometimes frustration or disappointment. But in the end, each time they got back together. Better than before and with new understanding.
What Hakkai's issue is with this other shinki is something he'll have to figure out on his own. Whether it's problematic enough to think it best to keep his distance... or whether he's willing to pursue in spite of the hardships that will undoubtedly occur.]
Aa. It's not easy. But if you've decided, nothing's going to stop you.
Perhaps Rin can give you a better answer; he's the one that's been in your situation. I'm not the easiest shinki to handle either.
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[Enough so that the question is never whether anything will stop him; it's whether he should stop. That's a harder question to answer. That's-- well.
His smile is automatic and defensive, but this is only a text conversation, and so he lets it fall.]
And thank you. I may ask him -- but it's not quite the same situation. The person I know is not my shinki.
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[Both a good and a bad thing. Being unstoppable will get the goals you want, but sometimes it means you can't delay the inevitable because you missed all the warnings.]
I see. Does that bother you?
[He also wonders how many other instances of god-knows-shinki-from-their-past instances are running around in the shores. Another question for later.]
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I'm not confident that it will end well. That's the more important question, isn't it?
And no, I think this would be worse if he were my shinki.
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You told me not to spend too much time worrying about the future, right?
[No one really knows how something will end.]
Probably, in your case. But you can try to help things as a friend at least.
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We're not exactly friends, either, I'm afraid. [They'd tried it, once. Lately... lately, it seems it's death threats every time they meet. It's a state of affairs Hakkai's not quite comfortable calling "friendly."]
But I suppose I can try to get things back to something friendlier.
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It didn't sound like it; that's why I said you should try to be one to him.
[Ironically, that will probably be easier without the guy being Hakkai's shinki. It's one less burden/obstacle to deal with while trying to cultivate some trust.]
Aa. You can at least show you're not his enemy.
[No matter what someone thinks, generally enough physical proof will strike some chord.]
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[Soon. ... Soon enough, in any case.
He's not yet ready to pull himself together and start trying to reach out again. Once he's dealt with his other problems, perhaps. He can't just leave it as it is; he knows that much. Too many busybodies know about it now, for one thing.]
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Rin had to convince me he was trustworthy.
[Theirs ran deeper than that, and Sousuke's never seen Rin as an enemy. Annoying, confusing, and strange, initially, yes. But... nothing that severe.]
It took a while, but... it worked.
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In any case, thank you. I appreciate the advice.
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Aa. You helped me as well. Thanks.