thefarshore | Heaven's BBS

From: Sousuke Yamazaki
When: Early October

[It’s rare that he posts to the BBS; Sousuke’s quiet nature and sometimes-over-focus kind of leads to that little problem. Content to dwell with his own life and his own small circle of friends and duties. But sometimes, the private life just doesn’t cut it. Especially when said private life is the entire reason for breaking his silence and going outside that small circle.

The video feed clicks on with a quiet sound, light blazing from the screen for a second until it adjusts to the scenery. It’s soon obvious he’s alone. Considering the presence of a black jacket barely resting at the peripheral of the video’s frame, it’s likely he’s holding the screen to his side. Deliberately not pointing the feed at himself. Instead, there’s a lovely shot of a quiet patch of natural garden, complete with trickling spring, breezing of clear air, and the ever-present drizzle of pink sakura petals from the surrounding grove Eros’ castle temple is renowned for.

There’s a moment of silence, semi-awkward on his end, before Sousuke finally outs with it. His tone’s calm, musing.]

Can a god and a shinki be more than god and shinki? [A measure before adding in a lower voice.] Or will it make problems between them?

[Yeah, it’s vague, he knows. The nature of god and shinki is a complex relationship. But Sousuke’s not honest enough with his softer emotions and being open to other people to outright ask the serious/~~embarrassing~~ question:

~~What happens if you find yourself attracted to your own god?~~]

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It does, actually.

[Maybe it is the fear of memory. Maybe...

He'd insisted on trying to get close, the moment he had a hint that someone was a part of his own forgotten past, when he was a shinki. He'd pursued it with obstinate fascination, grasping, wondering. Even when he shouldn't have.

He'd always been a little more self-destructive than he should have been, though. And then there's Gojyo: who's careless, but not self-destructive. No, Gojyo's problem is that he hates himself, and now, it's too easy for him to believe that his forgotten past is nothing, no one, worth remembering.

Hakkai wonders how it is that Gojyo manages to be jealous of a dead man, and refuse what the dead man had had, at the same time.]

Perhaps it's different for every shinki. But I suppose all I can do is be trustworthy.

[Having a god that loves to swim, having a body that remembers how to swim, and yet being trapped with a mind that instinctively yearns for the sport and simultaneously rejects it out of terror at what it might cause him to remember... is a very trying burden for both of them. One Rin helped him overcome.

While Sousuke is close to Rin and likes being so, both god and shinki handle the risk of his memories seriously. It goes against human nature, but Sousuke's been able to resist his own curiosity so far, determined to remain with Rin and make new memories in exchange.

Perhaps it'll be similar for the person Hakkai's talking about. If it is, Sousuke won't tell him the course is an easy one. It's infuriatingly stressful and even his own stubbornness threatens to fail him at times.

But he has something more important than himself now.]

Aa. I'm sure it is. It's the best advice I can give. Don't give up before you try. Not when this person is important to you.

[Or after he's tried and failed. Or--

Perhaps it's all academic, now. Gojyo had been driven to dangerous extremes to try to separate himself from Hakkai: and when he's willing to go so far to free himself of any connection, is there any way to get close enough to prove his allegiance?

Hakkai still finds himself flinching from thinking of exactly how far, at least now, in the cold light of day. Those thoughts are poison reserved for two a.m., when he can't distract himself anymore.]

It's difficult, but I don't want to give up.

[Failing is only a means to improve on the next attempt. True failure is giving up on trying.

There are times when Sousuke had put distance between himself and Rin. Most of the time in anger, sometimes frustration or disappointment. But in the end, each time they got back together. Better than before and with new understanding.

What Hakkai's issue is with this other shinki is something he'll have to figure out on his own. Whether it's problematic enough to think it best to keep his distance... or whether he's willing to pursue in spite of the hardships that will undoubtedly occur.]

Aa. It's not easy. But if you've decided, nothing's going to stop you.

Perhaps Rin can give you a better answer; he's the one that's been in your situation. I'm not the easiest shinki to handle either.

I've found that to be the case in the past.

[Enough so that the question is never whether anything will stop him; it's whether he should stop. That's a harder question to answer. That's-- well.

His smile is automatic and defensive, but this is only a text conversation, and so he lets it fall.]

And thank you. I may ask him -- but it's not quite the same situation. The person I know is not my shinki.

You sound confident despite your misgivings.

[Both a good and a bad thing. Being unstoppable will get the goals you want, but sometimes it means you can't delay the inevitable because you missed all the warnings.]

I see. Does that bother you?

[He also wonders how many other instances of god-knows-shinki-from-their-past instances are running around in the shores. Another question for later.]

[Too many for anyone's comfort, as far as Hakkai can tell: but there's no helping it.]

I'm not confident that it will end well. That's the more important question, isn't it?

And no, I think this would be worse if he were my shinki.

[Wow. Small world isn't it. That raises more questions as to when and where these new gods are getting picked from.]

You told me not to spend too much time worrying about the future, right?

[No one really knows how something will end.]

Probably, in your case. But you can try to help things as a friend at least.

That's a lesson I have trouble living by myself...

We're not exactly friends, either, I'm afraid. [They'd tried it, once. Lately... lately, it seems it's death threats every time they meet. It's a state of affairs Hakkai's not quite comfortable calling "friendly."]

But I suppose I can try to get things back to something friendlier.

Then I can remind you when you need it.

It didn't sound like it; that's why I said you should try to be one to him.

[Ironically, that will probably be easier without the guy being Hakkai's shinki. It's one less burden/obstacle to deal with while trying to cultivate some trust.]

Aa. You can at least show you're not his enemy.

[No matter what someone thinks, generally enough physical proof will strike some chord.]

Convincing him that I'm not his enemy is probably a good place to start, yes.

[Soon. ... Soon enough, in any case.

He's not yet ready to pull himself together and start trying to reach out again. Once he's dealt with his other problems, perhaps. He can't just leave it as it is; he knows that much. Too many busybodies know about it now, for one thing.]

[Sousuke's having a strange image in his head of Hakkai approaching some stranger with his hand out, saying calming words like he's trying to calm an angry dog. Not going to say it, but it's there.]

Rin had to convince me he was trustworthy.

[Theirs ran deeper than that, and Sousuke's never seen Rin as an enemy. Annoying, confusing, and strange, initially, yes. But... nothing that severe.]

It took a while, but... it worked.

I'll have to see how well it works in my situation. It's good that it worked for you, though.

In any case, thank you. I appreciate the advice.

We may be gods and shinki, but we're still human.

Aa. You helped me as well. Thanks.

Heaven's BBS | ~Video~

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