Ayumu Yamazaki [ 山崎 歩 ] (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kagenonadeshiko) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thefarshore2018-07-21 12:27 am
kagenonadeshiko) wrote in thefarshore2018-07-21 12:27 am
[video]
From: Vesta
Date: December 24
[Being an old-timey Japanese person, Ayumu's unfamiliar with Christmas Eve or Christmas traditions. What she is acquainted with is New Year's and it's coming up very soon. Since her return from the dead, Ayumu's been too busy recovering from her ordeal and its fallout this month to really announce herself.
Between returning to the Shinsengumi and getting affairs in order at her own temple, Ayumu simply hasn't had the time or energy to dedicate to making all the social calls she'd like. There's something she's been thinking about doing, however, and Ayumu's running out of time to do it.
So here is a video of a very solemn and subdued looking Ayumu Yamazaki in a plum-blossom patterned kimono with her hair done up in a sleek bun. The eyepatch over her left eye is absent today, revealing the facial scarring marring her brow and the drooping lid in stark clarity. Her posture is straighter than it's been in quite some time. She appears to be seated at a kitchen table, her hands clasped neatly in front of her.
After a moment, Ayumu begins to speak quietly and evenly in the Kyoto accent she hasn't used since her first time here as a goddess.]
Hello. My name is Ayumu Yamazaki. I'm also known as Vesta and have gone by Lady Yumi on this shore in the past. I'm aware that many of you do not know me. Many of those that do are not aware that prior to my life here as a shinki, I was once a goddess. It's because of those who were once here but have long since passed on or vanished that I am speaking now.
[Ayumu bows her head briefly in a moment of silence before lifting it once more.]
On New Year's Eve, I'll be holding a candlelit vigil at my temple to honor and bid a proper farewell to those who've left us, whether it be through choice, death, or unknown forces. A new year awaits us all, one that may prove to be full of better prospects but I believe that in order to greet it fully with open arms, we must first let go of what binds us in the past. If anyone would like to do the same, you are all welcome to join me at my temple.
[Ayumu includes directions to her temple in the western district. When she's done, she bows deeply to the camera then straightens up. Just before the video cuts out, there's the sound of a very demanding meow coming from off-screen.]
Date: December 24
[Being an old-timey Japanese person, Ayumu's unfamiliar with Christmas Eve or Christmas traditions. What she is acquainted with is New Year's and it's coming up very soon. Since her return from the dead, Ayumu's been too busy recovering from her ordeal and its fallout this month to really announce herself.
Between returning to the Shinsengumi and getting affairs in order at her own temple, Ayumu simply hasn't had the time or energy to dedicate to making all the social calls she'd like. There's something she's been thinking about doing, however, and Ayumu's running out of time to do it.
So here is a video of a very solemn and subdued looking Ayumu Yamazaki in a plum-blossom patterned kimono with her hair done up in a sleek bun. The eyepatch over her left eye is absent today, revealing the facial scarring marring her brow and the drooping lid in stark clarity. Her posture is straighter than it's been in quite some time. She appears to be seated at a kitchen table, her hands clasped neatly in front of her.
After a moment, Ayumu begins to speak quietly and evenly in the Kyoto accent she hasn't used since her first time here as a goddess.]
Hello. My name is Ayumu Yamazaki. I'm also known as Vesta and have gone by Lady Yumi on this shore in the past. I'm aware that many of you do not know me. Many of those that do are not aware that prior to my life here as a shinki, I was once a goddess. It's because of those who were once here but have long since passed on or vanished that I am speaking now.
[Ayumu bows her head briefly in a moment of silence before lifting it once more.]
On New Year's Eve, I'll be holding a candlelit vigil at my temple to honor and bid a proper farewell to those who've left us, whether it be through choice, death, or unknown forces. A new year awaits us all, one that may prove to be full of better prospects but I believe that in order to greet it fully with open arms, we must first let go of what binds us in the past. If anyone would like to do the same, you are all welcome to join me at my temple.
[Ayumu includes directions to her temple in the western district. When she's done, she bows deeply to the camera then straightens up. Just before the video cuts out, there's the sound of a very demanding meow coming from off-screen.]
no subject
something difficult to say
and you dismissed it
because it didn't fit your idea of an ablution.
you are a god.
you are not a shinki.
you weren't even there.
you belittled my experience
and expect me to tell you more?
no subject
But the people on the other side of it would have hurt as well. An ablution isn't something done because anyone wants it to be done. Nobody wants to see someone they care about suffer like that. You're belittling the acts of people who care about you by simplifying it to torture.
If you want people to understand and consider your feelings, you need to consider theirs as well.
cw: probably going to be references for torture all throughout this
some do it out of love.
some do it out of duty.
there are many reasons to torture a person
but it is still torture.
calling it anything else is a lie to spare feelings
and preserve one's honor and morality.
they tortured me until i died
while i screamed and begged for mercy
they looked on as if i was an enemy
instead of a friend.
whatever good intentions may have been behind it
that's what an ablution is within the borderlines.
no subject
If you wanted death so desperately, you would've died regardless of what they did, twisted into that thing the same way. They also suffered for their attempt to save you, more than if they had just let you turn into an ayakashi and be killed. And ultimately, the truth of an ablution is that if you had let the people who care about you help before it reached that point, it may never have been necessary at all.
Intent isn't the problem with calling it torture, and normally I probably wouldn't argue with likening it to that. But you're calling it that in the belief that it's exclusively one-sided, which isn't the point of an ablution. They trusted you would want to stay with them the way they wanted to stay with you. That you would allow them to help. My intent here isn't to belittle your suffering, but you're belittling the suffering of others because you only see it a certain way as well. Someone who calls you a "friend" isn't someone who'll give up on your life just because you've given up on it yourself.
no subject
thank you for explaining it to me.
no one else has.
it will take time for me to completely grasp what you're saying
but i didn't go into that ablution planning to die.
i won't lie. i'd considered it but hadn't gone through with it
during the ablution itself, something happened to change that.
i wasn't myself and couldn't understand what was happening.
i was in too much pain to speak, reason, or continue.
my god was in too much pain to continue
so he released me.
i remember someone speaking to me
trying to change my mind.
but not anything else after i'd begun to transform.
my memories are hazy.
it happens in battle.
but i am truly sorry people got hurt.
[Ayumu had lost herself and has no intention to placing others at risk by returning to the battlefront until her injuries have healed enough for active duty. Brief, small skirmishes with ayakashi to keep Joss fed are one thing but she'll be a danger to herself and others during times of intense conflict.]
no subject
That makes more sense to me. I do at least know what it feels like to let my mind slip in combat, though it's what happens from here on that will matter most in the end.
[Perhaps a little too well. On that note, he figures he may as well address the topic at hand in the post with the misunderstanding set aside.]
I usually prefer to do my mourning in private, but considering the losses we've had over the year, I don't doubt there'll be a reception for something like this.
no subject
i agree.
my priorities now are recovery
and helping keep other shinki from going through the same pain.
heaven's over reliance on ablution
as a method of help brought disaster.
now that i know how i died,
i know that it wasn't a viable solution for me.
the ritual is deeply dangerous
for a shinki who has died violently while imprisoned.
i wish to look into alternative methods to the ritual
and ways of preventing its necessity in time.
[Recovery is her priority for now. Ayumu's no help to anyone if she remains as unstable as she's been.]
but for now,
i hope that the vigil brings some peace to someone
and gives an opportunity to seek support
for those who do not wish to mourn or reflect alone.
no subject
[And honestly, he may end up needing it himself, with how things have been going with one of his shinki lately. He'd rather avoid it if at all possible, but an alternative would be good to know.]
I have a feeling some of the people who need it most might choose to go it alone, but people mourn in different ways, so it's to be expected.
no subject
and if i can think up any potential solutions on my own,
i'll share them.
[There's much she needs to atone for. Even if there wasn't, she'd still pursue it. Ayumu's trying to think very carefully about what people could have done to help her and how she might help a shinki in the same situation. She hasn't been able to come up with much in the way of solutions yet but perhaps with more time, she will.]
i understand.
when i grieved for my gods,
it was difficult for me to speak
or even be near others.
it was the same when i lost my shinki.
my past methods have resulted in little good
so i wish to try a new way
and suggest a path others may not have considered.
no subject
no subject
the last time i was a goddess,
i lost all of them in the same month
and one i'd released who was a dear friend
shortly after.
[And that's the short version, leaving out the part where her exemplar and lover turned into an ayakashi and devoured Ayumu before losing the rest. Or the part when it wasn't until after they'd all vanished that she'd even remembered who they were. Or that the day she'd remembered was the last day she saw her friend before he vanished.
Really, Ayumu needs to do this vigil for far more reasons than just the recent events.]
i think it's natural to go into shock
when faced with sudden, unexpected loss.
it takes time to recover from it
before one can truly grieve and move on.
no subject
[Ayumu's not the first story of that sort he's heard, and he doubts she'll be the last. It's too hard to predict when people will come and go here.]
The problem is that I don't think a lot of them let themselves recover, because they're too busy trying to look presentable. But then, things would be a lot easier if people took the honest route more often than not.
no subject
i'm not gonna say that it's not worth investigating
but sometimes i've wondered if the disappearances
are intended to be a diversion to keep us from
making progress in other areas.
it's natural to worry and grieve for departed loved ones
and a ruthless individual or group
can exploit that with ease.
when it comes to personal relationships, i agree.
honesty is important and necessary.
there are those who will use and manipulate
that to their own ends, however.
no subject
Obviously. People typically choose the ones they trust to reveal those sorts of feelings to, but others try to hide it from even them. Usually out of some sort of skewed perception that they're imposing on the people they think are important, or something along those lines.
[Shun definitely doesn't do that himself, so clearly he's at liberty to complain about other people doing it.]
no subject
i think there's a lot of people here
who don't handle loss well.
choosing the right target
can be extremely demoralizing.
[Personally, Ayumu would target someone with power and influence that many see as a stable icon, whether he's well-liked or not.]
i'm sure people have their reasons
for not wanting to bare their souls
for people to see.
there's many reasons
to maintain privacy.
no subject
[He has a sense of what Ayumu's implying, but considering he himself has a habit of going into extremely productive, if blind, outrage at losing important people, he feels like that kind of ploy would still backfire.]
Not wanting to bare your soul to all comers is completely understandable. I'm more concerned about the ones who don't even have one person they feel they can trust with that.
no subject
can bring people together in some way.
for some people
trusting others is near impossible
for reasons they may not know
or be able to express.
[It'd often been the case for her as a shinki, at least. At the time, she'd unable to understand why trust and empathy did not come to her as easily as it seemed to for others. Or where the constant feeling of being an outsider or the notion that so many things other took for granted were alien or forbidden to her. And to think she'd trusted herself even less.]
for some
loss leaves debilitating grief
they lack the understanding
or skills to move on from.
but i believe it's easier to move on
when there's more motivation
to do so.
no subject
[Coming from someone who didn't, and definitely went the wrong way in trying to handle his own grief back in his world.]
As long as it's of some use to someone.