thefarshore | [video]

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From: Vesta
Date: December 24

[Being an old-timey Japanese person, Ayumu's unfamiliar with Christmas Eve or Christmas traditions. What she is acquainted with is New Year's and it's coming up very soon. Since her return from the dead, Ayumu's been too busy recovering from her ordeal and its fallout this month to really announce herself.

Between returning to the Shinsengumi and getting affairs in order at her own temple, Ayumu simply hasn't had the time or energy to dedicate to making all the social calls she'd like. There's something she's been thinking about doing, however, and Ayumu's running out of time to do it.

So here is a video of a very solemn and subdued looking Ayumu Yamazaki in a plum-blossom patterned kimono with her hair done up in a sleek bun. The eyepatch over her left eye is absent today, revealing the facial scarring marring her brow and the drooping lid in stark clarity. Her posture is straighter than it's been in quite some time. She appears to be seated at a kitchen table, her hands clasped neatly in front of her.

After a moment, Ayumu begins to speak quietly and evenly in the Kyoto accent she hasn't used since her first time here as a goddess.]

Hello. My name is Ayumu Yamazaki. I'm also known as Vesta and have gone by Lady Yumi on this shore in the past. I'm aware that many of you do not know me. Many of those that do are not aware that prior to my life here as a shinki, I was once a goddess. It's because of those who were once here but have long since passed on or vanished that I am speaking now.

[Ayumu bows her head briefly in a moment of silence before lifting it once more.]

On New Year's Eve, I'll be holding a candlelit vigil at my temple to honor and bid a proper farewell to those who've left us, whether it be through choice, death, or unknown forces. A new year awaits us all, one that may prove to be full of better prospects but I believe that in order to greet it fully with open arms, we must first let go of what binds us in the past. If anyone would like to do the same, you are all welcome to join me at my temple.

[Ayumu includes directions to her temple in the western district. When she's done, she bows deeply to the camera then straightens up. Just before the video cuts out, there's the sound of a very demanding meow coming from off-screen.]

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[Normally Shun would consider this a decent idea, but he's not exactly feeling the most like giving Ayumu the benefit of the doubt right now.]

So. You're back. That didn't take long.

Do you want my help, Mistress?

[No one told her Ayumu was back. No one told her Ayumu was back as a god. Ginia's breath catches in her lungs when she sees the video, not seeing Ayumu in the video, but as the last way Ginia remembers seeing her.

Eyes. So many eyes. A serrated blade shattering her borderline, stabbing through skin and muscle, pain and blood and and opening maw and Ginia drowns in memories she thought she set behind and the only lifeline available is anger.

No one told her. No one fucking told her.]

Welcome back.

Edited 2018-07-21 04:51 (UTC)

no. it didn't.

[There's not really a whole lot Ayumu can say about that. She's not in charge anymore than anyone else here is.]

if you don't mind.
i could use some support.

Considering how desperately you apparently wanted someone else to have to kill you, obviously personal feelings aren't taken into account.

Have you spoken to Lavi yet?

thank you.
i must apologize for what happened the other night.
i know mere words are not enough
but please know that i am deeply sorry.
if there is anything you ever need,
if it's within my power to grant, it's yours.

Of course. What will you need?

[Joscelin isn't super clear on the concept of "emotional support." He's thinking she'll need help fighting.]

Edited 2018-07-21 05:09 (UTC)

Do you even know what you're apologizing for?

[She can remember being a shinki and a goddess before, so she must have some degree of memories, but until Ginia knows what Ayumu remembers, the apology rings hollow.]

if you seek to blame someone,
there's plenty of others available, not just me.
i know what i did.
and yes, we've spoken.

i apologize for involving you.
i know i wasn't the one who called for you
but still, i am sorry.
i'm afraid i do not remember much of that night.
not clearly enough to say for sure what happened.
but i fear that i may have hurt someone.

[Trauma works in mysterious ways and no one explaining anything to her has helped.]

This isn't about the others.
This is about the fact that if I still remember the thing with your face being ripped apart under mine and Lavi's hands, he certainly does.
You didn't leave anyone better off in your rush to meet death. You just forced them into a position where they'd consent to killing you and have to live with it.

[She doesn't remember. Of course. Anger surges through and before Ginia can think about what she's doing, she unstraps the sling wrapping around her shoulder, slides off her shirt, and takes and sends a picture of the scar running over her left shoulder. It's deep, jagged, skin a dark pink-brown where it knits back together unevenly.

Hakkai, Caster, Maria, they all did their part to heal her injury and Ginia's still amazed she didn't lose her arm. She could have. She could have bled out. She could have died twice over.

There, Ayumu, your fears confirmed. You hurt someone. You hurt a lot of people.]

i was tortured for hours
by those i believed to be friends
until i twisted into that thing and died.
even so, i am sorry for the pain it caused you and lavi
and i am thankful that you put it down.

[It's not the first time Ayumu's seen severe injuries. Not even the first that she's inflicted herself. It happens during war. Whether anyone else understood it or even why, Ayumu had been at war that night and during times of war, there are casualties.

However, this does not mean that Ayumu is heartless or cannot feel sympathy or remorse for those who've been harmed.]

i am very sorry.
i'm not much of a healer
but if there's anything i can do
i'd like to help if you'll let me.
but if that's too much for you, i understand.

Was it worth it?

If that's how you see an ablution, then no apology you give is going to mean anything. Because it sure as hell doesn't sound like you think you're actually at fault, you're just saying what you think will make people at ease with what happened.

I'd started to trust you, too, but it's becoming clear that was misplaced. I'm seeing a lot of excuses, empty words and redirecting blame, and nothing of actual substance from you.

[Actions speak louder than words, as far as Shun's concerned, and to his eye, with this attitude, the entire concept of this post is looking more like she's expecting people to put it behind them.]

i'm seeing a lot of a boy
who understands nothing
but believes he knows everything.
until you learn how to empathize with others
instead of simply pass judgment on them
we have nothing more to discuss.

Ironic to hear that coming from you after you just called people your friends and then blamed them for daring to attempt to save you.

You're not offering anything to empathise with. And I'm not going to tolerate you continuing to hurt people around you without a thought if it crosses over with people I care about again. The fact that you also suffered doesn't mean you get to act as you please.

[If there's one thing he's had driven into him time and time again here, it's that.]

i told you something important
something difficult to say
and you dismissed it
because it didn't fit your idea of an ablution.
you are a god.
you are not a shinki.
you weren't even there.
you belittled my experience
and expect me to tell you more?

it's not the way
i wanted to die.
i did not want to harm others.
after those borderlines went up
i became someone else.
a prisoner of war who'd been tortured to death.
had i known then
i would never have agreed.
i don't like killing if i have a choice.

I know what an ablution is. I know it's painful and drawn-out, and that it forces things out of you that nobody should have to go through. You're not the only person who's been through one.

But the people on the other side of it would have hurt as well. An ablution isn't something done because anyone wants it to be done. Nobody wants to see someone they care about suffer like that. You're belittling the acts of people who care about you by simplifying it to torture.

If you want people to understand and consider your feelings, you need to consider theirs as well.

not all torturers do it out of cruelty.
some do it out of love.
some do it out of duty.
there are many reasons to torture a person
but it is still torture.
calling it anything else is a lie to spare feelings
and preserve one's honor and morality.
they tortured me until i died
while i screamed and begged for mercy
they looked on as if i was an enemy
instead of a friend.
whatever good intentions may have been behind it
that's what an ablution is within the borderlines.

If you were an enemy, they wouldn't have bothered with it at all. Nobody puts themselves through that level of suffering for an enemy. Trying to save an enemy. Sometimes you need to hurt someone to save them, "honour and morality" aside.

If you wanted death so desperately, you would've died regardless of what they did, twisted into that thing the same way. They also suffered for their attempt to save you, more than if they had just let you turn into an ayakashi and be killed. And ultimately, the truth of an ablution is that if you had let the people who care about you help before it reached that point, it may never have been necessary at all.

Intent isn't the problem with calling it torture, and normally I probably wouldn't argue with likening it to that. But you're calling it that in the belief that it's exclusively one-sided, which isn't the point of an ablution. They trusted you would want to stay with them the way they wanted to stay with you. That you would allow them to help. My intent here isn't to belittle your suffering, but you're belittling the suffering of others because you only see it a certain way as well. Someone who calls you a "friend" isn't someone who'll give up on your life just because you've given up on it yourself.

It's kinda scary knowing you can still die even after you're dead....

[He looks rather unsettled, for all his piercings and dyed, spiked hair.] But that sounds like a nice idea.

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private, from: nekhbet

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Private, text: Ginia

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just assming private text 5ever

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Private here on out

yep yep

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cw: mention of torture

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cw: probably going to be references for torture all throughout this

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