[video]

[kagenonadeshiko]

From: Vesta
Date: December 24

[Being an old-timey Japanese person, Ayumu's unfamiliar with Christmas Eve or Christmas traditions. What she is acquainted with is New Year's and it's coming up very soon. Since her return from the dead, Ayumu's been too busy recovering from her ordeal and its fallout this month to really announce herself.

Between returning to the Shinsengumi and getting affairs in order at her own temple, Ayumu simply hasn't had the time or energy to dedicate to making all the social calls she'd like. There's something she's been thinking about doing, however, and Ayumu's running out of time to do it.

So here is a video of a very solemn and subdued looking Ayumu Yamazaki in a plum-blossom patterned kimono with her hair done up in a sleek bun. The eyepatch over her left eye is absent today, revealing the facial scarring marring her brow and the drooping lid in stark clarity. Her posture is straighter than it's been in quite some time. She appears to be seated at a kitchen table, her hands clasped neatly in front of her.

After a moment, Ayumu begins to speak quietly and evenly in the Kyoto accent she hasn't used since her first time here as a goddess.]

Hello. My name is Ayumu Yamazaki. I'm also known as Vesta and have gone by Lady Yumi on this shore in the past. I'm aware that many of you do not know me. Many of those that do are not aware that prior to my life here as a shinki, I was once a goddess. It's because of those who were once here but have long since passed on or vanished that I am speaking now.

[Ayumu bows her head briefly in a moment of silence before lifting it once more.]

On New Year's Eve, I'll be holding a candlelit vigil at my temple to honor and bid a proper farewell to those who've left us, whether it be through choice, death, or unknown forces. A new year awaits us all, one that may prove to be full of better prospects but I believe that in order to greet it fully with open arms, we must first let go of what binds us in the past. If anyone would like to do the same, you are all welcome to join me at my temple.

[Ayumu includes directions to her temple in the western district. When she's done, she bows deeply to the camera then straightens up. Just before the video cuts out, there's the sound of a very demanding meow coming from off-screen.]

Comments

[kagenonadeshiko]

i'll look into the matter then
and if i can think up any potential solutions on my own,
i'll share them.

[There's much she needs to atone for. Even if there wasn't, she'd still pursue it. Ayumu's trying to think very carefully about what people could have done to help her and how she might help a shinki in the same situation. She hasn't been able to come up with much in the way of solutions yet but perhaps with more time, she will.]

i understand.
when i grieved for my gods,
it was difficult for me to speak
or even be near others.
it was the same when i lost my shinki.
my past methods have resulted in little good
so i wish to try a new way
and suggest a path others may not have considered.

[revolutionfalcon]

I've somehow managed to avoid losing any more than a single shinki so far, but he'll be one of the ones I remember. In any case, this might actually get some people to admit they need time to mourn. We have a lot of the types here who prefer to just smile and pretend everything is fine instead of accepting that sometimes it's necessary to acknowledge loss.

[kagenonadeshiko]

it's difficult to lose shinki.
the last time i was a goddess,
i lost all of them in the same month
and one i'd released who was a dear friend
shortly after.

[And that's the short version, leaving out the part where her exemplar and lover turned into an ayakashi and devoured Ayumu before losing the rest. Or the part when it wasn't until after they'd all vanished that she'd even remembered who they were. Or that the day she'd remembered was the last day she saw her friend before he vanished.

Really, Ayumu needs to do this vigil for far more reasons than just the recent events.]

i think it's natural to go into shock
when faced with sudden, unexpected loss.
it takes time to recover from it
before one can truly grieve and move on.

[revolutionfalcon]

It'd be useful if we could figure out any pattern behind disappearances. It's impossible to know whether that kind of mass departure will happen and someone will end up left with nothing.

[Ayumu's not the first story of that sort he's heard, and he doubts she'll be the last. It's too hard to predict when people will come and go here.]

The problem is that I don't think a lot of them let themselves recover, because they're too busy trying to look presentable. But then, things would be a lot easier if people took the honest route more often than not.

[kagenonadeshiko]

i don't know if there is.
i'm not gonna say that it's not worth investigating
but sometimes i've wondered if the disappearances
are intended to be a diversion to keep us from
making progress in other areas.
it's natural to worry and grieve for departed loved ones
and a ruthless individual or group
can exploit that with ease.
when it comes to personal relationships, i agree.
honesty is important and necessary.
there are those who will use and manipulate
that to their own ends, however.

[revolutionfalcon]

They picked a bad pack of people to do it to, then. Most of the people interested in investigating here are adjusted to loss, even if it doesn't make them like it any more than anyone else does. We can still carry on focusing on the bigger picture at the same time.

Obviously. People typically choose the ones they trust to reveal those sorts of feelings to, but others try to hide it from even them. Usually out of some sort of skewed perception that they're imposing on the people they think are important, or something along those lines.

[Shun definitely doesn't do that himself, so clearly he's at liberty to complain about other people doing it.]

[kagenonadeshiko]

i don't know about that.
i think there's a lot of people here
who don't handle loss well.
choosing the right target
can be extremely demoralizing.

[Personally, Ayumu would target someone with power and influence that many see as a stable icon, whether he's well-liked or not.]

i'm sure people have their reasons
for not wanting to bare their souls
for people to see.
there's many reasons
to maintain privacy.

[revolutionfalcon]

Not handling loss well can still be channeled into other things. Even if some people might be demoralised by it.

[He has a sense of what Ayumu's implying, but considering he himself has a habit of going into extremely productive, if blind, outrage at losing important people, he feels like that kind of ploy would still backfire.]

Not wanting to bare your soul to all comers is completely understandable. I'm more concerned about the ones who don't even have one person they feel they can trust with that.

[kagenonadeshiko]

i hope this vigil
can bring people together in some way.
for some people
trusting others is near impossible
for reasons they may not know
or be able to express.

[It'd often been the case for her as a shinki, at least. At the time, she'd unable to understand why trust and empathy did not come to her as easily as it seemed to for others. Or where the constant feeling of being an outsider or the notion that so many things other took for granted were alien or forbidden to her. And to think she'd trusted herself even less.]

for some
loss leaves debilitating grief
they lack the understanding
or skills to move on from.
but i believe it's easier to move on
when there's more motivation
to do so.

[revolutionfalcon]

You're right about that, at least. Having a motivation to move forward makes it easier, though it also makes it easier to go the wrong way. Which is why it's important to have people you can trust at times like that.

[Coming from someone who didn't, and definitely went the wrong way in trying to handle his own grief back in his world.]

As long as it's of some use to someone.