Ayumu Yamazaki [ 山崎 歩 ] (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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thefarshore2018-07-21 12:27 am
kagenonadeshiko) wrote in thefarshore2018-07-21 12:27 am
[video]
From: Vesta
Date: December 24
[Being an old-timey Japanese person, Ayumu's unfamiliar with Christmas Eve or Christmas traditions. What she is acquainted with is New Year's and it's coming up very soon. Since her return from the dead, Ayumu's been too busy recovering from her ordeal and its fallout this month to really announce herself.
Between returning to the Shinsengumi and getting affairs in order at her own temple, Ayumu simply hasn't had the time or energy to dedicate to making all the social calls she'd like. There's something she's been thinking about doing, however, and Ayumu's running out of time to do it.
So here is a video of a very solemn and subdued looking Ayumu Yamazaki in a plum-blossom patterned kimono with her hair done up in a sleek bun. The eyepatch over her left eye is absent today, revealing the facial scarring marring her brow and the drooping lid in stark clarity. Her posture is straighter than it's been in quite some time. She appears to be seated at a kitchen table, her hands clasped neatly in front of her.
After a moment, Ayumu begins to speak quietly and evenly in the Kyoto accent she hasn't used since her first time here as a goddess.]
Hello. My name is Ayumu Yamazaki. I'm also known as Vesta and have gone by Lady Yumi on this shore in the past. I'm aware that many of you do not know me. Many of those that do are not aware that prior to my life here as a shinki, I was once a goddess. It's because of those who were once here but have long since passed on or vanished that I am speaking now.
[Ayumu bows her head briefly in a moment of silence before lifting it once more.]
On New Year's Eve, I'll be holding a candlelit vigil at my temple to honor and bid a proper farewell to those who've left us, whether it be through choice, death, or unknown forces. A new year awaits us all, one that may prove to be full of better prospects but I believe that in order to greet it fully with open arms, we must first let go of what binds us in the past. If anyone would like to do the same, you are all welcome to join me at my temple.
[Ayumu includes directions to her temple in the western district. When she's done, she bows deeply to the camera then straightens up. Just before the video cuts out, there's the sound of a very demanding meow coming from off-screen.]
Date: December 24
[Being an old-timey Japanese person, Ayumu's unfamiliar with Christmas Eve or Christmas traditions. What she is acquainted with is New Year's and it's coming up very soon. Since her return from the dead, Ayumu's been too busy recovering from her ordeal and its fallout this month to really announce herself.
Between returning to the Shinsengumi and getting affairs in order at her own temple, Ayumu simply hasn't had the time or energy to dedicate to making all the social calls she'd like. There's something she's been thinking about doing, however, and Ayumu's running out of time to do it.
So here is a video of a very solemn and subdued looking Ayumu Yamazaki in a plum-blossom patterned kimono with her hair done up in a sleek bun. The eyepatch over her left eye is absent today, revealing the facial scarring marring her brow and the drooping lid in stark clarity. Her posture is straighter than it's been in quite some time. She appears to be seated at a kitchen table, her hands clasped neatly in front of her.
After a moment, Ayumu begins to speak quietly and evenly in the Kyoto accent she hasn't used since her first time here as a goddess.]
Hello. My name is Ayumu Yamazaki. I'm also known as Vesta and have gone by Lady Yumi on this shore in the past. I'm aware that many of you do not know me. Many of those that do are not aware that prior to my life here as a shinki, I was once a goddess. It's because of those who were once here but have long since passed on or vanished that I am speaking now.
[Ayumu bows her head briefly in a moment of silence before lifting it once more.]
On New Year's Eve, I'll be holding a candlelit vigil at my temple to honor and bid a proper farewell to those who've left us, whether it be through choice, death, or unknown forces. A new year awaits us all, one that may prove to be full of better prospects but I believe that in order to greet it fully with open arms, we must first let go of what binds us in the past. If anyone would like to do the same, you are all welcome to join me at my temple.
[Ayumu includes directions to her temple in the western district. When she's done, she bows deeply to the camera then straightens up. Just before the video cuts out, there's the sound of a very demanding meow coming from off-screen.]
Private here on out
[She can remember being a shinki and a goddess before, so she must have some degree of memories, but until Ginia knows what Ayumu remembers, the apology rings hollow.]
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i know i wasn't the one who called for you
but still, i am sorry.
i'm afraid i do not remember much of that night.
not clearly enough to say for sure what happened.
but i fear that i may have hurt someone.
[Trauma works in mysterious ways and no one explaining anything to her has helped.]
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Hakkai, Caster, Maria, they all did their part to heal her injury and Ginia's still amazed she didn't lose her arm. She could have. She could have bled out. She could have died twice over.
There, Ayumu, your fears confirmed. You hurt someone. You hurt a lot of people.]
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However, this does not mean that Ayumu is heartless or cannot feel sympathy or remorse for those who've been harmed.]
i am very sorry.
i'm not much of a healer
but if there's anything i can do
i'd like to help if you'll let me.
but if that's too much for you, i understand.
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i wanted to die.
i did not want to harm others.
after those borderlines went up
i became someone else.
a prisoner of war who'd been tortured to death.
had i known then
i would never have agreed.
i don't like killing if i have a choice.
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"An ablution needs the cooperation of the shinki it's being cast on, too. She didn't let it succeed."
"Sometimes you can't save others from themself, no matter how hard you try."
Was there anything anyone could have done if she wanted to die that much? Ginia's anger turns cold, emotions turning into steel. There's no apology here, not when Ayumu doesn't mean it, can't mean it.]
How did you want to die?
You didn't answer my question. You died, you're a god now. Was it worth it?
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with friends who cared for me enough
to put aside their own feelings and beliefs on death
to listen and care about what i actually wanted.
not reliving the agony i felt when i died.
at least two of those present
knew my commander and my best friend
were here and did not tell them i was dying.
to answer your question
i don't know if it was worth it
i won't know until i've made a life for myself
but do i regret taking action to escape a life
I saw as pure hell
no. i do not.
but i am sorry others got hurt in the process.
if that isn't isn't enough
i don't know what else to say.
[At this point, Ayumu doesn't expect most people who were there that night to listen or be interested in what she has to say. Goku listened and seemed to understand that even if he disagreed, her thoughts and feelings about her own life mattered, at least. Gojyo's the only one who seems to have fully understood or cared about what she wanted. A stranger showed more consideration and respect for what she's experiencing than most of her friends have.
When the rest of this heals into scar tissue, these are the memories that will remain.]
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"What I actually wanted."
What does anyone want here? It's the question that's been haunting Ginia all month. Her wants, the wants of the others in her temple, what people can do for her to help her. Again and again since the ablution, people have checked on her and cared for her. Some in helpful ways, others in ways that did more harm than good. Her best interest. Their best interest.
Wants. Needs. Desires. Ginia mulls over it as she beats on a heavy bag in the training room, takes a long soak in the outdoor hot spring and stares at the forest surrounding the temple. She enjoys her new presents, spends time with the men of her temple and reminds herself what she's here to protect. What she wants to protect.
Eventually, a reply comes in, late in the evening.]
I don't know if I quite forgive you yet, but I don't hate you either. I barely know you, you barely know me. It's my fault I was there, my fault for getting in the crossfire.
Maybe I would have done the same thing in the same situation. I don't know. Maybe I'll find out one day. Hopefully I won't.
I hope things are better for you this time around.
I don't know if I'll come to the vigil, but it's a good idea. I hope it helps people.
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for that acknowledgement and the well wishes.
but i am still sorry that you got hurt
and if there's ever anything you need
my offer still stands.
that you would go to those lengths
for someone you barely know
speaks highly of your character.
as i am certain my own actions
speaks poorly of mine.
it was an ugly night.
i hope neither you or any other shinki
experiences the same pain I did.
and that some may be helped through this vigil.
[Ayumu can't change what she did in the past. All she can do is change what she does in the present and the future. It's not sweeping anything aside. It's simply accepting reality as it is.]
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How did it get to that point? What went so wrong that you wanted to die that much?
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i don't think it was any one thing
but a build up of things over a longer span of time.
when i came here, i was troubled and lost
i did not know myself
i was frightened and uncertain.
when i wasn't those things,
i felt empty like only a void filled me inside.
i did not know this world
and i had little guidance at the start.
my first god was ill-suited
to the task of looking after me.
i was ill-suited to be the shinki he desired
and we were together too long.
i tried to use the pamphlet
as a guide for structure
but people kept saying i was wrong.
i chose to leave my first god
and try to make it on my own
but i was incapacitated during a calamity
and had to be saved.
it ate at me that to live in this world
i must belong to someone else.
but i was assigned to another goddess soon after.
surprisingly, it went well.
we were well suited.
she understood my needs.
she was patient and kind.
she knew when to push and when to pull back.
but then she was taken from me
and I was assigned to someone else
with no time to grieve or reflect
on my the loss.
the pressure of building trust
with a new god after i'd lost the one
i'd been finally become happy with
and grown to trust and rely on.
i'd started to see a future with her
and was comfortable in our home.
losing her devastated me
and to have to rebuild again so soon
was more than i could bear.
it is hard for me to trust others.
i do not open up to others easily.
i needed more time to heal from my wounds
than my life as a shinki could give me.
so I took a leap of faith
that i might somehow find peace
and you saw the rest.
[She's leaving a few things out but this message is already long enough, Ayumu thinks. If Ginia wishes to know more or has questions, she's willing to continue.]
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What would happen if she woke up tomorrow and the temple was gone? How would Archer and Lancer feel, having already lost Caster once to death? Is there a single shinki she knows that hasn't lost a god and had to find a new one? She is lucky to have Caster, truly fortunate as she'd said in a conversation with Ayumu that seems too long ago.
Fortune can end. Everything can end.
All things will end.]
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I think I maybe understand why you did what you did.
[Not fully, but lacking the emotional attachment Chikusa and Ken have toward Ayumu, it's a bit easier to understand more space and distance. Maybe things could have gone differently, but they went this way.
She's a god now. A god again. One could argue everything everything worked out in her favor.]
Have you spoken to the others at the ablution since your return?
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i don't know how hakkai feels about me
but that is nothing unusual.
he acknowledged my pain, at least.
that's something.
i tried to speak with chikusa
but it went very poorly.
since then, i've only spoken on the matter
to those who come to me first.
goku seems to understand
that what i felt was real
even if he doesn't grasp it.
i believe it's too soon to try
and make amends without healing first.
i've remembered too many horrible things
all at once to trust myself near them.
[So Ayumu's returned to her other family, the one who knew her in life, understood her roots as well as anyone outside the Oniwaban can. It's safer for everyone if she stays with the one who has the know-how and skills to reach her in that dark places and pull her back out.]
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I can't make any promises, but if there's anything you need, please ask.
[She does not owe Ayumu anything. She doesn't have to care. Ginia stares at the words a long time before she sends them, spends time after debating whether to delete them.
Ginia leaves the message alone. It's what she would want someone to ask if she were in a similar situation.]
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when you are able and willing
i'd appreciate it.
this conversation has helped
though i am unused to speaking this way.
sanzang used to talk to me sometimes
about silly things or funny things or
whatever was on her mind
when i was unable to speak.
sometimes she'd just sit close to me
stroke my hair and let me cry if i needed it.
she'd hold my hand when my sorrows consumed me
just to remind me that i wasn't alone
and that i could come to her when i was ready.
i don't expect others to do for me
all that she did
but even a little bit sometimes
would help.
but if it is too much,
please don't trouble yourself on my account.
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She hasn't forgiven Ayumu yet, but she can acknowledge loneliness when she sees it. Company, time, understanding, maybe that's what they all need to move past things.]
I'm not really good at talking, but I don't mind keeping you company. We could watch movies together or listen to music.
Or I began playing a new game recently. It's like a novel, but there are drawings and music to go along, and you get to make decisions that affect the story. We could go through that together.
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thank you.
that sounds very nice.
it just helps to be able to think
about happier things instead of sad ones
for a little while.
i think that dwelling too much
about the negative all the time
helped put me on the path
i wish to change.
i don't know very much about games.
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A new year, a new beginnings. I hope the following year is better for everyone.
Where is your temple located? I'll try to drop by in the next few days. I'll bring food too; Archer always cooks extra. What kind of food do you like?
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there's been too much sadness and heartache in this place.
it'd be good to look forward to something
besides fighting, disappearances, and death.
i understand the work we all do here is important
but other things are important, too.
my temple's in the western district.
[Ayumu includes the same directions she'd given in the video, including a description of Vesta's villa.]
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Be well, Ayumu.
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and you as well, ginia-san.