Ayumu Yamazaki [ 山崎 歩 ] (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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thefarshore2018-07-21 12:27 am
kagenonadeshiko) wrote in thefarshore2018-07-21 12:27 am
[video]
From: Vesta
Date: December 24
[Being an old-timey Japanese person, Ayumu's unfamiliar with Christmas Eve or Christmas traditions. What she is acquainted with is New Year's and it's coming up very soon. Since her return from the dead, Ayumu's been too busy recovering from her ordeal and its fallout this month to really announce herself.
Between returning to the Shinsengumi and getting affairs in order at her own temple, Ayumu simply hasn't had the time or energy to dedicate to making all the social calls she'd like. There's something she's been thinking about doing, however, and Ayumu's running out of time to do it.
So here is a video of a very solemn and subdued looking Ayumu Yamazaki in a plum-blossom patterned kimono with her hair done up in a sleek bun. The eyepatch over her left eye is absent today, revealing the facial scarring marring her brow and the drooping lid in stark clarity. Her posture is straighter than it's been in quite some time. She appears to be seated at a kitchen table, her hands clasped neatly in front of her.
After a moment, Ayumu begins to speak quietly and evenly in the Kyoto accent she hasn't used since her first time here as a goddess.]
Hello. My name is Ayumu Yamazaki. I'm also known as Vesta and have gone by Lady Yumi on this shore in the past. I'm aware that many of you do not know me. Many of those that do are not aware that prior to my life here as a shinki, I was once a goddess. It's because of those who were once here but have long since passed on or vanished that I am speaking now.
[Ayumu bows her head briefly in a moment of silence before lifting it once more.]
On New Year's Eve, I'll be holding a candlelit vigil at my temple to honor and bid a proper farewell to those who've left us, whether it be through choice, death, or unknown forces. A new year awaits us all, one that may prove to be full of better prospects but I believe that in order to greet it fully with open arms, we must first let go of what binds us in the past. If anyone would like to do the same, you are all welcome to join me at my temple.
[Ayumu includes directions to her temple in the western district. When she's done, she bows deeply to the camera then straightens up. Just before the video cuts out, there's the sound of a very demanding meow coming from off-screen.]
Date: December 24
[Being an old-timey Japanese person, Ayumu's unfamiliar with Christmas Eve or Christmas traditions. What she is acquainted with is New Year's and it's coming up very soon. Since her return from the dead, Ayumu's been too busy recovering from her ordeal and its fallout this month to really announce herself.
Between returning to the Shinsengumi and getting affairs in order at her own temple, Ayumu simply hasn't had the time or energy to dedicate to making all the social calls she'd like. There's something she's been thinking about doing, however, and Ayumu's running out of time to do it.
So here is a video of a very solemn and subdued looking Ayumu Yamazaki in a plum-blossom patterned kimono with her hair done up in a sleek bun. The eyepatch over her left eye is absent today, revealing the facial scarring marring her brow and the drooping lid in stark clarity. Her posture is straighter than it's been in quite some time. She appears to be seated at a kitchen table, her hands clasped neatly in front of her.
After a moment, Ayumu begins to speak quietly and evenly in the Kyoto accent she hasn't used since her first time here as a goddess.]
Hello. My name is Ayumu Yamazaki. I'm also known as Vesta and have gone by Lady Yumi on this shore in the past. I'm aware that many of you do not know me. Many of those that do are not aware that prior to my life here as a shinki, I was once a goddess. It's because of those who were once here but have long since passed on or vanished that I am speaking now.
[Ayumu bows her head briefly in a moment of silence before lifting it once more.]
On New Year's Eve, I'll be holding a candlelit vigil at my temple to honor and bid a proper farewell to those who've left us, whether it be through choice, death, or unknown forces. A new year awaits us all, one that may prove to be full of better prospects but I believe that in order to greet it fully with open arms, we must first let go of what binds us in the past. If anyone would like to do the same, you are all welcome to join me at my temple.
[Ayumu includes directions to her temple in the western district. When she's done, she bows deeply to the camera then straightens up. Just before the video cuts out, there's the sound of a very demanding meow coming from off-screen.]
cw: mention of suicide attempt, torture
and he called me a liar.
he tried to drown himself
and then he threatened me
if i upset ken.
so excuse me
for not being able to
handle a repeat of that
on top of trying to remind myself
he isn't a torturer.
i'm sorry that he's having a hard time.
i'm sorry that you're having a hard time.
but i'm not putting myself
through that again
until i've had time to recover.
no subject
Are you having that much trouble remembering that he isn't a torturer?
no subject
it's hard to remember you're not enemies
and the agony i went through that night
was supposed to help
and not be a method of torture
to force information out of me
before killing me.
i was a prisoner of war
within those borderlines
and had no idea
when i agreed to try it.
i'm trying to understand
how anyone who knew how i'd died
could do such a thing to me.
but i don't expect you to care
about what i went through.
as you pointed out,
i wasn't sympathetic
to your situation despite it
being different from mine
and not being the one
that got you killed.
i apologized to you for that
and thought you'd accepted it.
it's good to know i was wrong.
cw, reference to murder
I could do it to you because the alternative was certain death, and I very badly wanted to save you.
I suppose it would have been kinder for all of us if I'd slit your throat when Goku called me for help.
Thank you for being honest, at least.
cw, reference to murder, suicidal ideation
if i'd been strong enough,
no one would have died
or gotten hurt.
but i couldn't.
i'd reached the limit
of what i could endure
and now i'm shamed for
something i couldn't help
or had any way of knowing
to prevent.
slitting my throat
wouldn't have helped
anyone but i can't help
but feel that you'd all be happier
if i'd never come back at all.
but death isn't an option
and i don't know what else to do.
no subject
I'm sorry that I pushed you beyond your limits. I knew when I made that choice that it was a possibility, but your blight was too severe. Not doing anything would have meant a slow death for both you and Goku. It goes faster as it gets worse. I doubt it would have taken as long as a week.
Really, it was cowardice. I was more willing to be your jailer and torturer than I was to be your murderer.
I even hesitated after you were already gone.
no subject
i accept your apology.
i understand now why you made that choice.
it wasn't a wrong choice to make
in that circumstance.
i just wish it'd worked out better
for all of us than it did.
i forgive you, hakkai.
and i will speak to the boys
as soon as i'm a little more stable.
i don't trust myself
not to lose control
and hurt someone else
if things go badly again.
i've done more than enough damage
to those i care about.
no subject
[She's seen him fight; she should understand that he shouldn't have needed to be protected like that.
There's a pause before his next message; a lengthy one, several minutes.]
I understand your hesitation.
There's no need to forgive me that easily, though.
no subject
wearing the face of a loved one.
it's not an easy fight or kill
even for those trained for a task like that.
i couldn't slay my exemplar either.
it will take time to work through everything
and make peace with it completely
but i do forgive you.
you did what you could
and i thank you for trying to save me.
you cared enough to try
and that means a great deal to me.
no subject
I'm hardly going to demand you blame me, but until it's easier for both of us to deal with those feelings, I'd prefer not to talk about "forgiveness" or "thanks."
Your exemplar... was that Axel? When he was a shinki? My condolences. I didn't know you knew him.
no subject
yes, it was.
i appreciate that.
he was very special to me
in a way few people are.
losing him like that
devastated me.
i was happy
when he came back
even though he didn't remember me.
[That's probably for the best, too, really. She hadn't wanted him to know the truth of how she'd died.]
no subject
I don't know if I'll make it to your temple for the holiday, but I hope you find it brings you peace.
no subject
i hope it will, too.
laying some old ghosts to rest
seems like the right way
to begin here again once more.
[Ayumu can't move forward with her life until she first lets go of her past.]