[video]

[kagenonadeshiko]

From: Vesta
Date: December 24

[Being an old-timey Japanese person, Ayumu's unfamiliar with Christmas Eve or Christmas traditions. What she is acquainted with is New Year's and it's coming up very soon. Since her return from the dead, Ayumu's been too busy recovering from her ordeal and its fallout this month to really announce herself.

Between returning to the Shinsengumi and getting affairs in order at her own temple, Ayumu simply hasn't had the time or energy to dedicate to making all the social calls she'd like. There's something she's been thinking about doing, however, and Ayumu's running out of time to do it.

So here is a video of a very solemn and subdued looking Ayumu Yamazaki in a plum-blossom patterned kimono with her hair done up in a sleek bun. The eyepatch over her left eye is absent today, revealing the facial scarring marring her brow and the drooping lid in stark clarity. Her posture is straighter than it's been in quite some time. She appears to be seated at a kitchen table, her hands clasped neatly in front of her.

After a moment, Ayumu begins to speak quietly and evenly in the Kyoto accent she hasn't used since her first time here as a goddess.]

Hello. My name is Ayumu Yamazaki. I'm also known as Vesta and have gone by Lady Yumi on this shore in the past. I'm aware that many of you do not know me. Many of those that do are not aware that prior to my life here as a shinki, I was once a goddess. It's because of those who were once here but have long since passed on or vanished that I am speaking now.

[Ayumu bows her head briefly in a moment of silence before lifting it once more.]

On New Year's Eve, I'll be holding a candlelit vigil at my temple to honor and bid a proper farewell to those who've left us, whether it be through choice, death, or unknown forces. A new year awaits us all, one that may prove to be full of better prospects but I believe that in order to greet it fully with open arms, we must first let go of what binds us in the past. If anyone would like to do the same, you are all welcome to join me at my temple.

[Ayumu includes directions to her temple in the western district. When she's done, she bows deeply to the camera then straightens up. Just before the video cuts out, there's the sound of a very demanding meow coming from off-screen.]

Comments

[revolutionfalcon]

I've somehow managed to avoid losing any more than a single shinki so far, but he'll be one of the ones I remember. In any case, this might actually get some people to admit they need time to mourn. We have a lot of the types here who prefer to just smile and pretend everything is fine instead of accepting that sometimes it's necessary to acknowledge loss.

[kagenonadeshiko]

it's difficult to lose shinki.
the last time i was a goddess,
i lost all of them in the same month
and one i'd released who was a dear friend
shortly after.

[And that's the short version, leaving out the part where her exemplar and lover turned into an ayakashi and devoured Ayumu before losing the rest. Or the part when it wasn't until after they'd all vanished that she'd even remembered who they were. Or that the day she'd remembered was the last day she saw her friend before he vanished.

Really, Ayumu needs to do this vigil for far more reasons than just the recent events.]

i think it's natural to go into shock
when faced with sudden, unexpected loss.
it takes time to recover from it
before one can truly grieve and move on.

[bass_instincts]

I wonder if anyone was upset when I died. [He has a good reason to doubt that, having shown up in the shirt of a Japanese Juvenile detention center.]

[unlucky7]

i think we could all use some happier times. There's been a lot happening and I think everyone is a little stressed or on edge.

A new year, a new beginnings. I hope the following year is better for everyone.

Where is your temple located? I'll try to drop by in the next few days. I'll bring food too; Archer always cooks extra. What kind of food do you like?

private; from: Archer

[boneofsword]

[Archer notices the different speech pattern immediately. He didn't know about Ayumu, not until this post, but he's been worried after seeing her talk about what the shinki are.]

I will join you. It's a good idea to hold such vigil, even if most of us don't remember whom we've lost.

[revolutionfalcon]

It'd be useful if we could figure out any pattern behind disappearances. It's impossible to know whether that kind of mass departure will happen and someone will end up left with nothing.

[Ayumu's not the first story of that sort he's heard, and he doubts she'll be the last. It's too hard to predict when people will come and go here.]

The problem is that I don't think a lot of them let themselves recover, because they're too busy trying to look presentable. But then, things would be a lot easier if people took the honest route more often than not.

from: Sha Gojyo

[erogappa]

Do you think it will help?

text

[kagenonadeshiko]

i think it might.
it's worth a try.
even a small step toward letting go
can hold great meaning
if one lets it happen.

private; video

[kagenonadeshiko]

Thank you. I think it's best to step into the new year weighed down from the past as little as possible. Amends can be difficult enough to make without being haunted by ghosts of past regrets.

[And she does regret the pain she's caused others throughout her life. As a rule, Ayumu takes back nothing or at least tries not to. Taking something back's impossible to do, once something is said or done, it's in the air forever, remembered. But amends and forgiveness? Those are obtainable goals to work for.]

[kagenonadeshiko]

I'm sure there was someone. Our lives can touch far more people that we realize and have a greater impact in ways we may never know in our lifetimes.

[She smiles gently. It's tinged a bit with sadness before she brightens suddenly.]

However, there's hope in the present and future, too, if we don't let ourselves forget it when reflecting about the past.

[kagenonadeshiko]

i hope it will, too.
there's been too much sadness and heartache in this place.
it'd be good to look forward to something
besides fighting, disappearances, and death.
i understand the work we all do here is important
but other things are important, too.
my temple's in the western district.

[Ayumu includes the same directions she'd given in the video, including a description of Vesta's villa.]

[kagenonadeshiko]

i don't know if there is.
i'm not gonna say that it's not worth investigating
but sometimes i've wondered if the disappearances
are intended to be a diversion to keep us from
making progress in other areas.
it's natural to worry and grieve for departed loved ones
and a ruthless individual or group
can exploit that with ease.
when it comes to personal relationships, i agree.
honesty is important and necessary.
there are those who will use and manipulate
that to their own ends, however.

private; video

[boneofsword]

That is true for everyone.

[Archer has a feeling that his past has been full of regrets. He's been doing well so far, without truly losing anyone important to him. Aside that Caster's stunt.]

Have you settled in?

private; text

[reformedsinner]

How thoughtful.

Although, of course, it isn't only those who are gone who bind us to the past.

private; text

[kagenonadeshiko]

i'm aware.
the living can bind us, too.
we can also bind ourselves as well.
i'm hoping this vigil
will give people a chance to say goodbye
to those they never got the chance to.
and thank you.

private; video

[kagenonadeshiko]

[Ayumu remembers that stunt. Or at least, how it'd affected Archer. The condolences and comfort offered had been genuine.]

As well as can be expected I suppose. I'm still getting my temple in order and working on making amends with those who've been hurt. At least, I only have one shinki to attend to right now and he spends half his time with his other god.

[Taking on noras is such a natural occurence for her that she doesn't think anything of mentioning it. One of the most loyal, capable shinki she's ever had happened to be a nora.]

I think it'll take a little more time to find a proper routine but I'm getting there.

[A pause.]

But how about you, Archer-san? How are you doing?

[reformedsinner]

Mostly, we bind ourselves.

May I ask what happened between you and Chikusa?

[kagenonadeshiko]

i went to apologize and explain myself.
we had a fight.
then we went our separate ways.

[reformedsinner]

In my experience, it's hard to apologize and explain yourself at the same time. One or the other tends to suffer for the attempt.

Not that I'm saying you're in the wrong, of course. I've only heard one side.

He is, however, upset.

[kagenonadeshiko]

i'll keep that in mind
if we speak on the subject again.
thank you for that consideration.
he's not the only one who is upset.
i'm sorry but i don't think
there's much i can do for him
right now.

[reformedsinner]

That's too bad.

You did kill him, after all.

[kagenonadeshiko]

the monster my body became
is what killed him.
i died within moments
of being released.

[reformedsinner]

From a certain perspective, yes.

From another, mightn't it be somewhat upsetting to be ripped open by a monster wearing the face of a trusted friend?

[kagenonadeshiko]

a lot of things are upsetting.
the situation with chikusa is only one of them.
it's best for both of us
that he and i not speak to each other
for a little while.
he did and said
some very hurtful things
that's going to take time to move past.
regardless of what you or anyone else says
i did not kill him.
until he comes to terms with that,
there is nothing i can do or say to help him.

[reformedsinner]

It's true, many things are upsetting. I'm still a little upset myself, but I'm an adult.

For that matter, I believe we're close to the same age?

And while it may not have been "you" who struck him down, "you" are responsible, in the same way that a person who drives off a cliff is responsible for what happens to their passengers.

Please don't think that, because you are hurt, you have not also caused pain.