Cho Hakkai (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
reformedsinner) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thefarshore2018-01-24 01:23 pm
reformedsinner) wrote in thefarshore2018-01-24 01:23 pm
BBS/Video
From: Li Tieguai
Posted: Oct 7, 2:49 PM
---
[Hakkai's sitting at what looks like his kitchen table, hands folded and phone carefully propped up facing him and the wooden wall behind him. For once, he's not smiling. His expression is very neutral. He sounds slightly rehearsed.]
Good afternoon. Due to certain events, I've come to believe that there is something I need to share with you all, in the interests of honesty and transparency. I'm going to talk about some things that may be frightening or upsetting, so if you are under the age of fifteen, please ask a grown-up who you trust to watch this video first and explain it to you.
[He pauses, his eyes dropping from the camera to the screen for several seconds of silence before he looks back up.]
Still watching? Goten, Nanako, I especially mean you.
[He pauses again, for a few more seconds, and his fingers twitch slightly together.]
I have a serious criminal history. Some years ago, my lover was kidnapped by a clan of youkai known for their brutality towards captives. I pursued and attacked them in an attempt to rescue her, and, in the process, was responsible for the deaths of a majority of the clan, not limited to combatants. She did not survive.
The blood I shed was sufficient to transform me from human into youkai. [He reaches up, freeing each of three small silver cuffs from the curve of his ear in turn. His face shifts, ears lengthening and developing sharp points, green vine patterns spreading across his skin, teeth sharpening, and left eye shifting from green to a slit-pupiled yellow. His nails are long, sharp claws. He sets the jewelry down gently on the table between himself and the phone.]
After recovering from my own injuries, I turned myself in to the appropriate authorities, and received sentencing. I regret my actions, and I do not pose any public danger. However, I understand that my past crimes may cause others to be uncomfortable in my presence, and should you wish to withdraw yourself or any child for whom you are responsible from my classes, I can recommend either Lavi or Kusanagi Izumo as a substitute instructor. I will transfer any records to the instructor of your choice.
If you have any questions, I will do my best to answer them.
[He reaches for the cuffs again and fixes them back in place on his ear, appearance swiftly returning to a simulacrum of humanity, before he reaches out to shut down the video.]
Posted: Oct 7, 2:49 PM
---
[Hakkai's sitting at what looks like his kitchen table, hands folded and phone carefully propped up facing him and the wooden wall behind him. For once, he's not smiling. His expression is very neutral. He sounds slightly rehearsed.]
Good afternoon. Due to certain events, I've come to believe that there is something I need to share with you all, in the interests of honesty and transparency. I'm going to talk about some things that may be frightening or upsetting, so if you are under the age of fifteen, please ask a grown-up who you trust to watch this video first and explain it to you.
[He pauses, his eyes dropping from the camera to the screen for several seconds of silence before he looks back up.]
Still watching? Goten, Nanako, I especially mean you.
[He pauses again, for a few more seconds, and his fingers twitch slightly together.]
I have a serious criminal history. Some years ago, my lover was kidnapped by a clan of youkai known for their brutality towards captives. I pursued and attacked them in an attempt to rescue her, and, in the process, was responsible for the deaths of a majority of the clan, not limited to combatants. She did not survive.
The blood I shed was sufficient to transform me from human into youkai. [He reaches up, freeing each of three small silver cuffs from the curve of his ear in turn. His face shifts, ears lengthening and developing sharp points, green vine patterns spreading across his skin, teeth sharpening, and left eye shifting from green to a slit-pupiled yellow. His nails are long, sharp claws. He sets the jewelry down gently on the table between himself and the phone.]
After recovering from my own injuries, I turned myself in to the appropriate authorities, and received sentencing. I regret my actions, and I do not pose any public danger. However, I understand that my past crimes may cause others to be uncomfortable in my presence, and should you wish to withdraw yourself or any child for whom you are responsible from my classes, I can recommend either Lavi or Kusanagi Izumo as a substitute instructor. I will transfer any records to the instructor of your choice.
If you have any questions, I will do my best to answer them.
[He reaches for the cuffs again and fixes them back in place on his ear, appearance swiftly returning to a simulacrum of humanity, before he reaches out to shut down the video.]
SMS
SMS --> Action
[ It's almost an hour later that Gojyo shows up -- even with shinki speed and invisibility, sometimes there's just a lot of distance between a place and the nearest temple he's got access to use -- and he makes himself known as soon as he lands. ]
Hakkai! [ In he comes, thudding his way through the front room. He'd been restocking, his hair still wrapped up in its dusty bandanna, and smelling faintly of pickle brine thanks to splash from a dropped bottle. ] Where are you? Are the brats here?
Action
Over here!
[And he turns the corner into the hallway; he has a laundry basket in his arms, piled with clothes and linens, and his sleeves are rolled up. From the cobweb caught in his hair, it looks as though he might have benefited from a bandanna, too.
Cleaning is a valid coping mechanism and no one can tell him otherwise.]
They're at Nanako's.
[They've been staying there much more often, lately. In the aftermath of the ablution -- after what happened to Chikusa -- Hakkai cannot blame them for wanting a little distance. He hasn't adjusted to the idea yet himself.]
no subject
[ Would he have delayed this conversation if they had been? Maybe. But now he never needs to worry about it.
Along their connection, he's a swirl of intense emotions, but mostly he's just determined. Focused.
He is very focused on Hakkai. ]
I want you. [ And there it is, just like ripping off a bandaid. ] I'm tired of worryin' about why, I just do. And I could... [ A jolt of grief, there, in the middle of all that focus. But it's just a jolt. Either of us could disappear, any time.
[ The reality -- the embarrassment, the risk of what he's doing starting to catch up, but it's not going to stop him. He sucks in a quick breath, and pushes on. ]
I'm not gonna die with regrets. I want you.
[ Please say yes. Please. ]
Do you want me?
[ He may be holding his breath. ]
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Something. He hadn't expected this.
Eyes wide, he carefully sets the laundry basket down next to the hall table, and straightens back up, which leaves him with no more stalling tactics in hand. Instead, as the surprise fades, the corners of his eyes are beginning to crimp. Gojyo's question should be easy to answer. It's straightforward, and Hakkai knows the answer, but fear is metallic on his tongue and tight in his throat. It tastes like blood.
He swallows, and forces it down.]
Yes.
[Either of them could disappear at any time. It's true: either of them could die at any time, and that's been true for much longer. Quietly, baldly, he continues:]
But I don't know if I should.
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I say you should, [ he retorts, and then he's moving, closing the space between them, hands to Hakkai's shoulders, arms, pulling him in for a kiss, his emotions a riot of lust and trust.
No more circling each other. No more fighting, no more pretending. No more lies. ]
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It's not. Gojyo's chest is deathly still, even as Hakkai deepens the kiss, even as he tastes Gojyo's mouth in a desperate attempt to shut out the memory of the surprise on Gojyo's face when he had fallen, trust betrayed.
It hadn't been real, but....
He is even better looking when he takes off his limiters, indeed. Hakkai's fingers tense, clenching on a handful of Gojyo's shirt as he breaks the kiss and drops his head against Gojyo's shoulder. At first, he's just breathing. Then he's laughing, a shaky, hysterical sound.]
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[ He's not a kid -- he doesn't expect fireworks. A yes and the feel of Hakkai's body against his own is really more than he could ask for... but it's good. God it's good. Hakkai's warm, and his mouth is hot and wet and he kisses Gojyo like he wants to climb inside him, and it's all Gojyo -- with his so, so limited experience -- can do to keep up.
It lasts forever, and it's over far too quickly. Gojyo's head is spinning as Hakkai breaks it off, and his arms reach out automatically, from Hakkai's shoulders to wrap around him, holding the other man close as he tries to remember how to breathe. It's so good. All this bad around them, all the time, but finally, finally there's something good.
And then Hakkai starts laughing, and the bottom drops out of Gojyo's gut. He can't be laughing at Gojyo. Right? He can't be. ]
Oi. [ He's aiming for humorously petulent, but it comes off a little more self-conscious and hurt than that. ] It wasn't that bad, was it?
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Not at all.
[He swallows back hysteria, forcing his voice back to evenness; he doesn't know if Gojyo's arms around him make it easier, or much more difficult. He wants the support, but if he accepts it, if he lets himself rely on it, he's afraid that he will need the support.
He doesn't know if he can trust Gojyo's decision quite that far yet. He doesn't know if he can trust himself. At last, quietly, he murmurs:]
I could hurt you.
[The words could be a threat, but the tone is one of pained confession. He had thought that he couldn't, once. He had trusted Gojyo's life to that. He remembers being worthy of the trust, and he remembers being unworthy of the trust: two memories of the same moment, equally clear, one ending in bloodshed. He remembers Kanan whispering to him from a corpse he had torn limb from limb without hesitation, not remembering her voice.
He doesn't know if he'll ever be able to trust himself again.]
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[ Oh. Gojyo's arms tighten around Hakkai. We're back to this, huh? Okay. ]
Yeah. You could.
[ It shouldn't be surprising that this is still on Hakkai's mind, not after Gojyo spent the better part of six months shouting it at him. He's responsible for some of this mess, he knows. More than some of it. And maybe there’s too much between them, maybe this can’t be repaired, maybe they really will end up hurting each other over and over… but is that a reason to stop trying? ]
But you won’t.
[ Maybe he will, actually. Maybe Hakkai will slip, one day, and say something that triggers a memory deep in Gojyo’s mind. Maybe he’ll lose himself like Ayumu did. But from what he’s seen and read, the new shinki don’t have very long life expectancies anyway, so what’s there to be afraid of?
He rests his cheek on the side of Hakkai’s head, breathing in deep and slow the scent of Hakkai and dust. This is where he belongs. ]
I’m done hatin’ you. I’m done bein’ afraid of you. [ He lays one hand over Hakkai's, pressed against Gojyo's chest where his heart isn't beating. ] You can feel what I'm feelin'. Am I scared?
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No.
[He stays just where he is. There are, he thinks, confessions he still has to make; things that Gojyo should know. Otherwise, well. It's not fair to leave Gojyo wondering if Hakkai's flinching because he's a bad kisser, when really, it's just that--
'It's not you, it's me.' He manages to keep himself from laughing again at that thought, and starts with the simplest confession.]
You're not scared, but I still am.
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I get it.
[ If every decision he makes is wrong, Gojyo wonders idly, his free hand coming up to soothe over Hakkai’s upper back, does that mean this is a mistake? It’s like those philosophical puzzles the drunks like to play in the small hours of the morning when everyone with any sense has gone home or slipped under the table: if cats always land on their feet, but black cats are always unlucky, does that mean it’s unlucky for a cat to land on their feet?
Hakkai’s not the most stable guy. Gojyo knows this. He’s got a past full of death, his allies are all assholes, and he loves somebody – or the memory of somebody – who can’t even decide day to day if it’s worth the effort of staying alive. That’s fine, though. He doesn’t want stable. What would a guy like him do with stable?
His body wants Hakkai – his body has wanted Hakkai from the first time they’d seen each other over the lunch table. His soft, stupid heart wants Hakkai, wants those memories to be real, wants somebody to hold, somebody to trust. There’s nothing Hakkai can say that will change any of that. ]
If you fuck up, I’ll just tell Chikusa and he can push you down the stairs.
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... but Hakkai's getting used to that, and, at least, he doesn't leave cigarette butts in beer cans anymore. Hakkai's laughter trails off, but he doesn't speak yet, staying where he is, instead, and thinking about the question. Should he?
His smoking isn't the important thing about him. His memory... that matters, and Hakkai can't forget the ways in which it matters, but it doesn't make him someone else in the way he thinks, or thought, it does. This might be a terrible and destructive idea, and it might end with them both dead, because Hakkai can hurt him, and because Hakkai wouldn't let anyone get in the way of the consequences if he did.
He can list rational reasons for his terror for days, if he wants.
But he's been so lonely.
If Gojyo's really done hating him, really done fearing him, then it's Hakkai's choice whether to hold onto his self-hatred, his fear of the danger he represents to the people who rely on him. It's Hakkai's choice to try for something they both want, or-- not.
Should he? He relaxes into the embrace, defenseless.]
What do I deserve?
[It's a stupid, unfair question, and he knows it; it had been stupid and unfair when he asked the first time, and badly-timed besides. But Gojyo's answer, that first time, still aches like a splinter lodged deep in his flesh. And, like a septic splinter, ugly and painful though it might be to touch, leaving it in place just lets the poison spread.]
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[ He knew the question was coming – if not today, then tomorrow, next week, sometime. It has to be addressed – but that doesn’t make it any easier to hear.
He could apologize – again – he could drown in guilt over his past mistakes – again – but doesn’t Hakkai deserve better than that? Doesn’t he deserve a Gojyo who can stand on his own feet, a Gojyo who doesn’t make them both keep suffering over and over for the same crimes? He came to Hakkai because he needed help, but Hakkai’s not doing so hot himself these days. Can they lean on each other for awhile, see where that leads them? Do they deserve that kind of happiness? ]
I’ve got enough to do tryin’ to figure out my own shit, sorry.
[ Did Hakkai – this Hakkai, the man he’s holding – really kill a thousand people? If he did, then surely that other Gojyo, the Gojyo who knew who he was, surely he know about it. Knew about it, and found a way to forgive it. So either it’s not real, just a figment of a dead man’s imagination put into a puppet body for some reason known only to the gods… or it is real, and there’s a Gojyo, there was a Gojyo who loved this man regardless.
In the six months he’s been alive, he’s killed – tortured and killed – more than a dozen people. He doesn’t have the right to judge anyone.
He should probably say some of that out loud, huh.]
I don’t know if you did those things or not. Anything that happened before we woke up here, I can’t trust it. But even if it’s all true… it’s not like you’re the only killer standin’ here. Not like you’re the only person in this hallway who’s hurt other people. [ His grip around Hakkai tightens, and he turns his face to bury it into Hakkai’s hair. ] Hey, I tried to make all of heaven hate you because you turned me on and it freaked me out, okay? I don’t get to tell anybody else what they deserve.
no subject
It's been his responsibility all along. He hadn't accepted Gojyo's judgment the first time he'd asked, and he wouldn't have accepted it this time, either, no matter what it was.
But, no matter what he thinks he deserves -- and he hasn't decided yet -- he doesn't want to need someone who despises him, any more than he wants to need someone who hates or fears him. Someone who won't judge him... that's easier.]
'Am I a murderer dreaming that I'm a god, or a god dreaming that I'm a murderer?'
['Butterfly,' here, isn't really an option. Neither is 'human.']
... Even if it's not true, you wouldn't be the only killer standing here, either, Gojyo. There were a number of yakuza I had problems with myself. And one god.
[He slips his arms around Gojyo's waist, returning the hug at last. His fear is fading into the weariness of long-held tension eased, and his body abruptly seizes the opportunity to notice, with interest, the intimacy of their embrace.
Hakkai blinks, and shifts a little, hoping it's not too obvious. It's really not the appropriate reaction for murder confessions. He seems to have a problem with that.]
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[ It’s a little obvious, just like it’s obvious that it’s a feeling Gojyo’s body returns – it’s always a feeling that Gojyo’s body returns. But he learned his lesson from the last time.
He doesn’t respond to Hakkai’s, ah, interest… but neither does he turn away. Pressed together like this, hip to hip and chest to chest, it’s warm and comfortable. It feels safe. They fit together well, he thinks. They’re so different, but in so many ways they fit together well. ]
I dunno if I said thank you for that. [ For saving Ayumu, and then for avenging her. It still hurts to think of her – if Ekko is any indicator, it’ll hurt forever, and that’s fine – but there’s… it’s not joy, he can’t call it that, but there’s something, what, hopeful, maybe? In the memory of her. ] Fuck, Hakkai, I really miss her.
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It's getting easier and easier to rely on that comfort. His heart, he suspects, is turning traitor to make the decision despite his better judgment.
Ayumu... he closes his eyes.]
I miss her, too. I think half the times we talked we fought, but I miss her anyway.
[There's pained humor in his voice; the memory of the ablution is still a raw wound, worse than the still-healing cuts their last fight had left him with before Ayumu got away. As for better times, remembering those hurts, too, but it's bearable. There's a kind of comfort in it, that, in this case, the pain isn't so bad that he can't bear to remember any of it at all.]
I hope that young man of hers is all right.
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[ Her young man, that’s right. Her boyfriend is out there somewhere. Does he know that Ayumu’s dead? Does he know how she died? ]
You sound like some old uncle.
[ Grief swallows him whole, and he finds himself clinging to Hakkai like a lifeline, fighting desperately to keep his emotions level. Hakkai doesn’t need that pain, he angrily chides himself. Goku doesn’t need it. But it can’t be helped – there’s only so much loss he can endure.
It’s a mistake in his design, he thinks. He’s clearly supposed to be a compassionless thug – giving him such a soft heart was just cruel. ]
Don’t disappear, okay? [ His voice is a quiet rasp, breath hot and urgent against Hakkai’s ear. ] Lie to me, tell me you won’t ever disappear.
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It doesn't matter now, he admits, awash on a rush of grief that isn't all Gojyo's. He's just letting himself be distracted by inconsequential details, because they're so much easier, in the end, than the reality of how he'd failed her.]
If I do, I'll come back.
[It's his turn, now, to run a hand over Gojyo's shoulders, vaguely surprised when he doesn't find long hair there-- it's still a fuzzy halo around Gojyo's ears, of course, ink-black with fresh dye. He's not used to that.]
What kind of God of Fortune would I be if I let you run around alone?
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[ His laugh is a tired thing, but there’s some real, genuine humor there. Or maybe it’s just relief, who can tell?]
Good. You’re right, I can’t be trusted on my own.
[ God of Fortune. He’s still not sure what that entails -- more powers, maybe? More observation from the higher-ups, that’s for sure. Heaven doesn’t do anything without asking for payment, he’s learned that already -- but right now he really doesn’t care. Right now all he cares about is holding on to the few people he’s got left.
He can’t be alone again. He won’t make it on his own.]
Guess you’ll just have to leave your name on me forever.
[ It’s said casually, but there’s no mistaking the tension that accompanies the statement. He’s not holding his breath waiting for Hakkai’s response, but he might as well be. ]
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He nods, more for Gojyo to feel than to see, his expression softening with relief and affection.]
I guess I will.
[The name Gojyo had written on his wrist is long washed away, but, as Hakkai releases Gojyo from his embrace and steps back, he touches his skin where it had been.]
And I'll keep yours.
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[ He feels the emptiness at once, as Hakkai steps back, and he very nearly closes that distance again just to have Hakkai pressed against him for another moment. But of course Hakkai's right -- they can't just stand in the hallway hugging forever.
Last week, Gojyo would have mumbled something embarrassed and self-effacing, would have wondered about where they went from here, would have found some excuse to run away for a bit, to go over the last few minutes over and over in his mind until he found a way to twist everything into something hurtful and ashamed. But if today is his last day alive, then he can't waste a minute.,/small> ]
You know, you never asked me where your name ended up on me.
[ He lets his hands fall to his sides, thumbs hooking into his belt loops, and the smile he offers Hakkai is equal parts shy and flirtatious. ...What? This is all new to him. He can cound the number of people he's flirted with -- really flirted with -- on one hand, and the number of people he's kissed is half that. He doesn't actually know what he'll do if Hakkai says yes, but isn't that half the fun? ]
Do you want to find out?
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It's the shyness in Gojyo's smile that decides him.
You still don't know me, he wants to protest. This could hurt Gojyo, or leave Hakkai open to be hurt, and he doesn't know which of those possibilities he fears more. And yet... if he does say no, now, there's no guarantee that one of them won't still disappear, or be killed, at any moment. They could be hurt at any time.
He steps in towards Gojyo, raising a hand to trace his jaw and rest against his cheek.]
Maybe.
[The wounds of Ayumu's death are so fresh for both of them... but.
Chikusa and Ken are still staying at Nanako's temple, and Hakkai can order Asshole to spend the night in his own room (although, as far as Hakkai can tell, he doesn't sleep, he does have a room.) They can have privacy.
He wonders what the odds are that he is actually ready for this. At least he's too tired to panic.]
We could see. Tonight?