thefarshore | BBS/Video

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From: Li Tieguai
Posted: Oct 7, 2:49 PM

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[Hakkai's sitting at what looks like his kitchen table, hands folded and phone carefully propped up facing him and the wooden wall behind him. For once, he's not smiling. His expression is very neutral. He sounds slightly rehearsed.]

Good afternoon. Due to certain events, I've come to believe that there is something I need to share with you all, in the interests of honesty and transparency. I'm going to talk about some things that may be frightening or upsetting, so if you are under the age of fifteen, please ask a grown-up who you trust to watch this video first and explain it to you.

[He pauses, his eyes dropping from the camera to the screen for several seconds of silence before he looks back up.]

Still watching? Goten, Nanako, I especially mean you.

[He pauses again, for a few more seconds, and his fingers twitch slightly together.]

I have a serious criminal history. Some years ago, my lover was kidnapped by a clan of youkai known for their brutality towards captives. I pursued and attacked them in an attempt to rescue her, and, in the process, was responsible for the deaths of a majority of the clan, not limited to combatants. She did not survive.

The blood I shed was sufficient to transform me from human into youkai. [He reaches up, freeing each of three small silver cuffs from the curve of his ear in turn. His face shifts, ears lengthening and developing sharp points, green vine patterns spreading across his skin, teeth sharpening, and left eye shifting from green to a slit-pupiled yellow. His nails are long, sharp claws. He sets the jewelry down gently on the table between himself and the phone.]

After recovering from my own injuries, I turned myself in to the appropriate authorities, and received sentencing. I regret my actions, and I do not pose any public danger. However, I understand that my past crimes may cause others to be uncomfortable in my presence, and should you wish to withdraw yourself or any child for whom you are responsible from my classes, I can recommend either Lavi or Kusanagi Izumo as a substitute instructor. I will transfer any records to the instructor of your choice.

If you have any questions, I will do my best to answer them.

[He reaches for the cuffs again and fixes them back in place on his ear, appearance swiftly returning to a simulacrum of humanity, before he reaches out to shut down the video.]

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I don't have a particular way that I would prefer people respond. Nor do I expect that my own story is uniquely shocking.

Still, I am a teacher. My students in particular have the right to make their choices with full information, don't you think?

I see... [She goes quiet for a moment, chewing on her lip again. She'd have to talk to Komaeda before doing any sort of public confessions herself, but she wonders if it'd make her feel better. This isn't the world she should be asking forgiveness from, but...

There's a lot of little factors to think about here.]

U-um! F-for the record, I don't think any less of you or anything! I think I... have no room to judge anyone... I've seen a lot worse than what you've described. [Have you ever seen almost 3,000 students simultaneously commit suicide on the whim of one teenage girl, Hakkai? Shit's fuck.] And done worse...

I think, in the grand scheme of things, 'killed a lot of people to save the one I love' is more understandable... So I'm sure things will be fine! [Trying to be reassuring? Or something.] I think...it's pretty brave of you...

["And done worse..." she says, and Hakkai stares at the video for a long, startled moment.

Now that, he hadn't really expected. She's odd, but. Worse?]

In retrospect, it's hard to feel that way, although I don't know how I would feel about it if she had lived.

["Understandable" motivation aside... it had been bloody, awful and meaningless, but there is no way to change the past.]

Thank you for your words, regardless.

[And, shortly after, in private -- because while he's saying things publicly, he doesn't want to force her to--]

Confessing something like this... is more about not wanting to be afraid of the secret anymore than about being brave. At least, that's how it is for me.

Whatever you're worried about, in your own past, it's something that you should deal with in your own way.

[She looks surprised by the follow-up message and hesitates.] I... Wouldn't mind so much. Confessing, I mean. But, to do so publicly... It might out one of my friends too. [She laughs, though it's a little force and she winds her hair around her fingers] Although, he probably wouldn't care much either...

[Not Nagito "I'll help you murder me if it means giving rise to Hope!!" Komaeda.]

But I don't think I can be forgiven for anything I did. I'll spend the rest of my life repenting and it'll never be enough. [From someone like Mikan who's prone to begging forgiveness for minor transgressions, this might have seemed dramatic and ridiculous, if it weren't for the fact she was very serious about it.] Ahah, of course, it wasn't just me, but...

...I don't know... What to do when it's something like that... Most times, it's easier to just not even think about it, you know? Ahaha...

[Here you go, Mikan: Hakkai's own video feed clicks on, although this is not nearly as staged as the message. Instead, he seems to be scooping food into a few bowls, as cats meow underfoot out of the blurry frame. He speaks quietly.]

I know. No one can change things that they've already done, and forgiveness isn't...

The dead can't offer forgiveness, and expecting it from the living is too much to expect. But I think, once you've done something that can't be forgiven, you can't just have a peaceful life, either. [Perhaps even wanting something like that is too much. It's certainly selfish: he wants one, but Sanzo had been right. His own ongoing existence carries an obligation.]

When there's something that you can do to help -- especially if only you can do it -- then do it. That's all.

[She looks a bit startled by the video clicking on, but it helps get her attention even more.]

...That's true. [There's a hollow little laugh and her smile is beyond fake.] My... Friends and I... We can't go back and face society now. We have our own place to stay, away from everyone, but...

Ahaha, it's hard to repent in a society where everyone wants to kill you on sight! Ahaha... [Okay at least the important people with the guns want to kill them on sight. She waves a hand and sighs.]

...I-I'm sorry. I don't mean to be making this about me or anything... We did something to help a lot, something that, at least, will let us live peacefully where we are. I think that's the most we can really hope for... And here, I can do better. So... So, um... I'm going to do better.

Have you considered changing your name?

[He's helping! That's a helping tone. (Or possibly the tone of someone who knows no one else gets the joke, but still thinks he's funny.)

He bends out of frame, setting down the cat bowls, and straightens back up to look more seriously at the phone.]

I don't know if any of us will ever be able to go home again, Mikan, so all we can do is to do our best here.

[She frowns a bit, because the idea of never going home had occurred to her and she's still not sure how she feels about it. But she nods and gives a sheepish little smile] I think you're a better teacher-type than you might give yourself credit for, Hakkai-san. But, you're right...

Ah, um... [Mikan pauses, waffling on her idea.] ....Junko...Enoshima...

[A pause and she continues, with a bit of difficulty--this is an important warning, but still hard to get through. Her feelings regarding the other girl are Complicated at best. But Hakkai's been nice, so he deserves the warning, right?] I heard she was here before. If she shows up again... Please... No matter how she might seem... She's extremely dangerous. Please be careful with her.

She was. And I spoke with her, although not more than once.

[Neji... had seen how dangerous she was first-hand. Hakkai's silent for a moment, his expression fading towards bleakness. Neji had been in her home, and Hakkai had offered his assistance, but.

Perhaps he should have insisted.]

I knew her shinki better than I knew her. Thank you for the warning, Mikan. I take it very seriously.

You could say she...was our leader. [There's a moment where there's a strange, wild look in Mikan's eyes, like the kind of look reserved for fanatics talking about a cult leader they're absolutely devoted to. Which isn't far off, honestly.] No-- No, Enoshima-sama was beyond that, for all of us. It was more like...she was our god...

[And then the look darkens to something horrendously bitter and angry and she lets out a breath. Her and Komaeda both has the more complicated of relationships when it comes to Junko, though Komaeda would be far more honest than Mikan is about the assessment of her.

She shakes her head, her laugh a little shaky.] W-well... It was like that, I suppose... To do terrible things because of the one you love... I understand that... [She trails off and shakes her head again, forcing herself to perk up] A-anyway! Enoshima-san ['-san' now, not '-sama'] isn't to be underestimated no matter what. As long as you keep that in mind, you'll probably be okay!

[Interesting. Very interesting, indeed. Hakkai watches her, without moving, until she has herself visibly back under control...

... and then smiles with a perfect self-effacing duck of his head.]

I'll be certain not to underestimate her!

[Or Mikan.]

Although for the moment I'm afraid the topic is a little academic, since she's no longer here.

That doesn't make her any less of a threat.

[Ominous. But she smiles tiredly]

...W-well... That's all that can be said about it, really. Thank you for talking with me, Hakkai-san, and for listening.

It was my pleasure.

[Oddly, he means it. As awkward as some of the other conversations have been, at least he's said something useful and sincere to someone.]

Please take care, and don't worry your shinki too much!

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