thefarshore | Heaven's BBS

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Heaven's BBS | Text

Date: 9:30 PM, April 10th
Posted: Niles

I can see certain behavior has a way of becoming repulsive to people.

I wonder, however, for the ones who judge other people if they're so free of the sins they judge others for.

Or is it a case of hiding your sins and deflecting them onto others? In order to make yourself look better in the face of others. To put on this air of strength and power while you inside know how awful of a person you can be.

It's interesting. People and their thought processes.

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[Does he think he knew them before...?]

Well, then, it won't cause any problems if he's known as your god's son.

Although I'm not sure I would believe someone who turned up claiming to be related to my goddess, if she didn't know them.

[That's your choice, of course, Niles! But maybe be careful.]

My God apparently has enough information to believe that Forrest is his son.

Do I believe it? I don't know. I barely believe my god knew me previously. If my memories weren't gone, perhaps everything would be different.

As of right now, what do I believe? I guess I follow and trust my god. Until proven untrustworthy.

It seems a shinki has few other choices. If we can't trust, we may as well ask to be released.

I'm surprised that he told you he knew you previously, though. Thoughts like that seem dangerous.

[If they inspire a shinki to pry -- if they make it hard not to dwell on what's forgotten and cannot return... Hakkai's had enough problems with that.

It explains Niles' obsessive loyalty, though, he supposes. The man isn't nearly so obnoxious when he's not refusing to take "no" for an answer.]

There's something about Leo that I simply can't ignore that I don't want to be released from him. I'm also not stupid, as some people may think. I've pissed off enough people here that who would I follow if he released me? Would I die off? I don't think I'm ready for that.

They do. He won't tell me everything he knows about me either. About my death. Why is he so important to me?!

[It's at this point that Niles feels incredibly frustrated. Because he has been with Leo over and over again to the point where he wants to know more.

On the other end of the device, Niles just sighs and looks at it all.]

Do I trust him? No. Can I be released from him? No.

...Sorry. I think I'm just talking out loud here. I can shut up if you'd like.

That's all right. I'm surprised I'm your choice to tell this to.

About you, and your death... I've been told that the reason we can't be told is that many shinki, if they know who they were, can fall into despair. We can't return to life. Remembering our deaths, what we left undone...

I'm not convinced I could bear it myself. The blight would be severe.

...Is it shameful to say that you're the only one who's cared to talk to me further? Or is it just a result of who I am? I could discuss this with my god, but what would he do except assure me that it would all be okay?

...He knows. And if he's someone important from my past, my lord as he claims himself to be, then it has something to do with him too. I'm so sure of it.

There's no one else who can help me out either. But I have to know what caused my death. There's the lingering idea that he's the one behind it and lying about everything to me.

You might have more confidantes if you didn't feel people up after they tell you they aren't interested, you know.

And what if he isn't involved in your death, but you can't bear knowing how you died?

As shinki, we don't have the same freedom to feel guilt or despair as a god or a living person. If we feel it too strongly, we'll be blighted to death, and so will our god.

We have to trust blindly. I understand it's difficult.

Hakkai, I don't know why I do that. It feels natural for me. It's just attached to something that is me, and I don't know how to stop it. Do you think if I wanted to keep doing it, I would be talking to you like this right now?

[He has to pause for a moment. He feels so lost, so trapped, so out of sorts.]

It feels like if I don't do it, I'm hurting myself. And worst of all, Leo seems to have no problems with it at all. Which makes me feel like this is a part of me that was here long before I died.

It is difficult. Because he knows so much about me, and I feel like I have to pry it out of him to get it.

I'd rather not have to keep prying all my problems out of him. Which is why I guess I'm talking to you right now.

You could at least restrain yourself to the people who respond well, you know.

Having once done a thing is no reason to continue doing it. As for myself, for instance... I'm certain I was a killer. I still would rather not kill.

You may find it helpful to think of becoming a shinki as your new life.

...And that's why I riled you up so hard when we first met, isn't it?

What do you mean?

I also am not fond of being touched when I've said I'm not interested.

We died. In other words, the men we once were are dead. Regardless of what we do or what we know now, our old lives are over, aren't they?

This is our new life.

I did. And I'm sorry for it. But no matter how many times I say that, I don't think there's any way to prove that I am.

I guess they are.

I'm not sure what else to say to that.

I don't particularly care about proof. I appreciate the apology, though.

It's simply how I think of it. It may be easier than dwelling on what might have been.

Hm. I see.

I suppose I should at least try it.

Good luck.

Wait.

Can I come talk to you if I need more help?

If you haven't found anyone better to talk to about it.

I've unblocked your number.

Thank you. For everything so far.

Talk to you soon.

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