I lived, Ginia. I can't recall a thing, but based on my scars and my reactions and my nightmares, it marked me deeply and painfully. But I lived and if I were to guess, it was also very full. And it's over and I'm not longing for it. I don't feel like I'm meant to be with the mortal crowd anymore.
Perhaps I was ready to pass to what's next. Or prepared. Who can say.
I am not my memories, even though their loss does frustrate greatly at times. This is just not the next I'm supposed to be.
And... I'm much too insightful to make anyone comfortable. I see much more than any god would like me to see, and see more than I would ever let on to them. My mind, my senses, the very way I can see and break down magic - the core traits of me are set against the core things needed to preserve a shinki's life. Don't dwell, don't look. Don't think.
Was told my first day I was practically guaranteed the fall. Warned multiple times about something that was just a part of me as effortless as breathing. A fall nearly happened some hours later, though it was an unrelated accident and the person just asked the wrong thing. It left its marks just the same.
They're dangerous. But those are the things needed to avoid the fall as well. Ignorance is just as dangerous as obsession and knowledge for me. So I try to focus it best I can and pray for the rest as I walk the rope aware, listening to myself to try to sense the trouble spots.
... but I guess that's true of shinki life in many facets. A catch 22. We've lost many things, and not only our pasts. We can't dwell, but if we ignore it, our pasts and all the rest come for us instead. For me, I try to acknowledge those things and grieve them as they come. They are important and essential, never meant to be given up because they are indications of our humanity, but we must do so anyway. It is okay to be not okay. Denial is worse.
Also I fantasize about having a death match with the one who put all this shinki shit in motion. It comforts me because I see so many people in pain, shinki and God both, and this is slowly breaking down so damn many and I hate it.
I would answer Lord Ebisu that second chances are subjective and to be careful of wishes in general. If they are granted ignorant of the person's true desire, then they become curses eventually and yes, there will be a fall. That and everyone is an individual and different. Not everyone longs for mortality, like I... but if it must be the same end... perhaps there is a little more to the story than that.
As for us... that is subjective as well. And ultimately doesn't matter for you. The question is: what do you want? What is your true desire?
We can't be shinki like the old ones. That much is true. Maybe we can't be shinki at all in some cases and must become something new.
I want to be useful too though. When I'm angry, a lot of my thoughts center around worth. What's it compared to others and proving it. Of course I'm worthy. But in the quieter moments and ones of praise and acknowledgement, there's the doubt. Really? I deserve to be here? ... sometimes it's am I wanted here? Do you want me?
It's a little voice whispering and doesn't shut up no matter how I try to gore it. It must have got past my defenses young. When I didn't have any. I recognize when it's being done to others now.
It's our own personal ayakashi wanting to take us over. I think it's pissed I don't care for the fangs and claws makeover, personally. Tacky.
I can tell you deserve this a thousand times. I can tell you you deserve even better than this. We all deserve better. But it won't be true for you or for me until we fight and take that understanding for ourselves.
Which is hard. We're not supposed to dwell. But we can't not dwell either. So we have to find the third way.
... and it's my turn to apologize. I'm a rambler, apparently.
no subject
I lived, Ginia. I can't recall a thing, but based on my scars and my reactions and my nightmares, it marked me deeply and painfully. But I lived and if I were to guess, it was also very full. And it's over and I'm not longing for it. I don't feel like I'm meant to be with the mortal crowd anymore.
Perhaps I was ready to pass to what's next. Or prepared. Who can say.
I am not my memories, even though their loss does frustrate greatly at times. This is just not the next I'm supposed to be.
And... I'm much too insightful to make anyone comfortable. I see much more than any god would like me to see, and see more than I would ever let on to them. My mind, my senses, the very way I can see and break down magic - the core traits of me are set against the core things needed to preserve a shinki's life. Don't dwell, don't look. Don't think.
Was told my first day I was practically guaranteed the fall. Warned multiple times about something that was just a part of me as effortless as breathing. A fall nearly happened some hours later, though it was an unrelated accident and the person just asked the wrong thing. It left its marks just the same.
They're dangerous. But those are the things needed to avoid the fall as well. Ignorance is just as dangerous as obsession and knowledge for me. So I try to focus it best I can and pray for the rest as I walk the rope aware, listening to myself to try to sense the trouble spots.
... but I guess that's true of shinki life in many facets. A catch 22. We've lost many things, and not only our pasts. We can't dwell, but if we ignore it, our pasts and all the rest come for us instead. For me, I try to acknowledge those things and grieve them as they come. They are important and essential, never meant to be given up because they are indications of our humanity, but we must do so anyway. It is okay to be not okay. Denial is worse.
Also I fantasize about having a death match with the one who put all this shinki shit in motion. It comforts me because I see so many people in pain, shinki and God both, and this is slowly breaking down so damn many and I hate it.
I would answer Lord Ebisu that second chances are subjective and to be careful of wishes in general. If they are granted ignorant of the person's true desire, then they become curses eventually and yes, there will be a fall. That and everyone is an individual and different. Not everyone longs for mortality, like I... but if it must be the same end... perhaps there is a little more to the story than that.
As for us... that is subjective as well. And ultimately doesn't matter for you. The question is: what do you want? What is your true desire?
We can't be shinki like the old ones. That much is true. Maybe we can't be shinki at all in some cases and must become something new.
I want to be useful too though. When I'm angry, a lot of my thoughts center around worth. What's it compared to others and proving it. Of course I'm worthy. But in the quieter moments and ones of praise and acknowledgement, there's the doubt. Really? I deserve to be here? ... sometimes it's am I wanted here? Do you want me?
It's a little voice whispering and doesn't shut up no matter how I try to gore it. It must have got past my defenses young. When I didn't have any. I recognize when it's being done to others now.
It's our own personal ayakashi wanting to take us over. I think it's pissed I don't care for the fangs and claws makeover, personally. Tacky.
I can tell you deserve this a thousand times. I can tell you you deserve even better than this. We all deserve better. But it won't be true for you or for me until we fight and take that understanding for ourselves.
Which is hard. We're not supposed to dwell. But we can't not dwell either. So we have to find the third way.
... and it's my turn to apologize. I'm a rambler, apparently.