text | Balor

[curruid_coinchenn]

to those that knew her, irisviel von einzbern is gone. make note of it.

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[hypomeneo]

[Hm. Not okay, maybe, if he's deciding to talk to him. Not a thing probably to point out if Waver wants him to continue talking.]

I found that as well. That it had an effect. Our relationships with other people always mark us, sometimes deeply, sometimes irreversibly, despite the fact they may be brief. [Personal experience talking, even if he can't speak of that fact.] If they fulfill a need, that is especially true.

Her positivity was something I needed. I can be quite cynical. For you, as you were bonded, that is for you to decide what is true here.

Why would you say you didn't deserve it?

[curruid_coinchenn]

she brought back emotions i gave up long ago. she gave me balance...but i didn't deserve her faith because i bring nothing but ruin to everyone and everything. she didn't want to accept that. i'm not deserving of that kind of belief because i know the truth.

[ He needed the positivity, but he would never admit it. It's a weakness, a flaw, one he wants to cover up and forget about. ]

[hypomeneo]

She saw things in me and about the situations we were in that I probably wouldn't have seen on my own. Not at the times we talked. I don't see things necessarily as they are, after all. Everything is tinted by my own bias.

But I would say ruin has its place. Sometimes that is a positive thing, sometimes it is not. I would say you gave her balance as well. Irisviel wished nothing but to heal and help others. Sometimes that is a positive thing, sometimes not as well. You gave her what she needed. A side she needed.

Perhaps it wasn't deserved. Perhaps it was - simply because you are what you are, and that alone made you worthy of it. Whatever the case may be, she did have faith in you and did care for you deeply.

Perhaps the only thing for both of us to decide is how we deal with that faith in us on from here.

[curruid_coinchenn]

[ How odd to hear this from a relative stranger. It's almost upsetting how correct he is, but Berserker won't say as much. ]

...

you're correct. i disagree about ruin, but i will concede your other points. she brought balance to me that i never thought i needed. there is simply emptiness there now.

going forward, i don't know what will happen. you are right again that it's up to us to decide.

[hypomeneo]

[This is hitting things deeply buried in himself. Waver breathes, focusing on Berserker on the other end. They have commonality. Waver does not think about Gods and shinki much when he interacts with others, except to keep certain rules in mind. Therefore he is not speaking to him as a shinki to a God, but a fellow Heroic Spirit to another, even if he doesn't realize that. As the Grail Breaker, whose purpose is ruin as well as reform. Because Waver knows he's only a shinki in form only. What he truly is is himself, even if that is an indefinable, unknowable thing.

When this is over, he will speak to Iskandar. This falls under the Big Shit they promised to speak to each other about.]

Empty is a good word for it. To lose something, someone, like that leaves a void and it bleeds.

For me, I know that that loss would eventually fester if I ignore it, so I won't. The rest... I'll take as it comes. I'll figure out a way for it to make me stronger.

She would want that for me.

[curruid_coinchenn]

[ Irisviel would scold him for letting it fester. She would scold him about the way he's acting now. It doesn't make him any more likely to pull himself out of this funk for now. ]

she wouldn't want me acting this way, but i'm so unused to these emotions...i'll simply lock them away again in favor of strength. it's as it always has been.

as for you...you are not like me. you will grow and change from this loss.

[hypomeneo]

Indeed I will. It is up to me to see it is not for ill.

Perhaps not. But we might share some things in common.

[It's just the way that they are responding to them makes them different. Berserker throws his weakness away. Waver turns them into his strength.]

[curruid_coinchenn]

[ There's no place for weakness is his world, after all. Weakness would've gotten him killed long ago. ]

give into your sadness and perish or strengthen yourself. you don't seem like the type to give into it.

you are not like me and that's for the best. our commonalities may just come from the circumstances. we share more in common than i'd like to admit...i will leave it at that.

[hypomeneo]

[Weakness just keeps coming back and back if you do that, though. Sooner or later you need a different strategy.]

Let's leave it at that, then.

[The thing about talking it out is sometimes you can only go so far before it's enough and the resolution is worse than the problem. Waver is not sure where Berserker's limit is, but he suspects they're fast approaching it. So they can leave off here and come back to it later when Berserker wants. If he wants.

Not forcing the issue may make further talks more tempting. Forcing people to talk before they're ready is just as damaging as not talking at all. Forcing people to be okay leads to its own problems.

Not a thing most Gods and shinki would think about the whole fangs and claws problem, but there it is. There's a place for negative emotions in the whole human experience for growth. There are positive sides to them. And well... Berserker doesn't have the potential to explode into a hell monster like Waver, but Waver can see a fall coming nonetheless if he's left completely alone.

The fangs and claws sometimes show up in invisible ways.]

[curruid_coinchenn]

let's. until we speak again...may it be under better circumstances.

[ He appreciates that Waver knows when to stop. It's a delicate sort of trust they share and the other has never gone further than he should. Whether that's out of fear or respect, Berserker doesn't know, but it doesn't matter what the motivation is.

He may not ever talk about this again, but to have opened up at all is a good thing. To let these feeling fester inside of him would be his downfall, but they must be drawn out slowly. It's an understatement to say he's not exactly in touch with his emotions, after all. ]