[It is personal but Ayumu had made the offer sincerely. If sharing her experience with Ginia might help her avoid the same fate, she's willing to try her best to be honest and forthright. It takes time for to her reply. Ayumu's mental state is fragile, her equilibrium still delicate, after dealing with so much pressure, internal and external, for so long.]
i don't think it was any one thing but a build up of things over a longer span of time. when i came here, i was troubled and lost i did not know myself i was frightened and uncertain. when i wasn't those things, i felt empty like only a void filled me inside. i did not know this world and i had little guidance at the start. my first god was ill-suited to the task of looking after me. i was ill-suited to be the shinki he desired and we were together too long. i tried to use the pamphlet as a guide for structure but people kept saying i was wrong. i chose to leave my first god and try to make it on my own but i was incapacitated during a calamity and had to be saved. it ate at me that to live in this world i must belong to someone else. but i was assigned to another goddess soon after. surprisingly, it went well. we were well suited. she understood my needs. she was patient and kind. she knew when to push and when to pull back. but then she was taken from me and I was assigned to someone else with no time to grieve or reflect on my the loss. the pressure of building trust with a new god after i'd lost the one i'd been finally become happy with and grown to trust and rely on. i'd started to see a future with her and was comfortable in our home. losing her devastated me and to have to rebuild again so soon was more than i could bear. it is hard for me to trust others. i do not open up to others easily. i needed more time to heal from my wounds than my life as a shinki could give me. so I took a leap of faith that i might somehow find peace and you saw the rest.
[She's leaving a few things out but this message is already long enough, Ayumu thinks. If Ginia wishes to know more or has questions, she's willing to continue.]
no subject
i don't think it was any one thing
but a build up of things over a longer span of time.
when i came here, i was troubled and lost
i did not know myself
i was frightened and uncertain.
when i wasn't those things,
i felt empty like only a void filled me inside.
i did not know this world
and i had little guidance at the start.
my first god was ill-suited
to the task of looking after me.
i was ill-suited to be the shinki he desired
and we were together too long.
i tried to use the pamphlet
as a guide for structure
but people kept saying i was wrong.
i chose to leave my first god
and try to make it on my own
but i was incapacitated during a calamity
and had to be saved.
it ate at me that to live in this world
i must belong to someone else.
but i was assigned to another goddess soon after.
surprisingly, it went well.
we were well suited.
she understood my needs.
she was patient and kind.
she knew when to push and when to pull back.
but then she was taken from me
and I was assigned to someone else
with no time to grieve or reflect
on my the loss.
the pressure of building trust
with a new god after i'd lost the one
i'd been finally become happy with
and grown to trust and rely on.
i'd started to see a future with her
and was comfortable in our home.
losing her devastated me
and to have to rebuild again so soon
was more than i could bear.
it is hard for me to trust others.
i do not open up to others easily.
i needed more time to heal from my wounds
than my life as a shinki could give me.
so I took a leap of faith
that i might somehow find peace
and you saw the rest.
[She's leaving a few things out but this message is already long enough, Ayumu thinks. If Ginia wishes to know more or has questions, she's willing to continue.]