[Hours. That’s how long it’s been. Plenty of time for the conversation he’d started to finally flitter down into the silence as everyone went their own ways. A lot of talk about, a lot to think about, and plenty more to do. Later though. Lots of it later. Shinki and gods alike had been there for him and sided with him; others had challenged him and talked him down from his emotional opinions. Some of it frustrated him, but much of it had helped. The initial distrust and anger towards the gods in general had faded into a cooler “we’ll see” thought, and he really did know that the majority of the gods here were benevolent and helpful, thrown into this just as much as any shinki. Being aggressive towards them wouldn’t help anyone.
Remorseful? Not really; he obviously had his reasons for bringing up that entire post. The shinki and the gods should know about the dangers other gods could and can possess to the shinki, particularly the shinki already named by other gods. Sousuke doesn’t regret the words he’s used or the ideas he’s said. True, they were despondent and abrasive, but of course they were after what he went through. He had the right to be angry and distrusting after the experience, just as he had the right and nigh-obligation to let the others know. But… well, he could have been a little less aggressive now that he came down from his backed-up anger and self-disgust. They really did want to help him.
Which… is the reason for his current state. Because the one who he was supposed to be the closest to, the one who really wants to help him the most, had been the one Sousuke had ripped into the hardest. His relationship with Rin is different than his relationship he had with the others on the network. Rin is his god, and the reason he hated the entire event with Schuldig. Being forced to betray someone he was beginning to open up towards… being reminded of why he shouldn’t trust him despite all the things Rin had done to show Sousuke he could trust him. He knows Rin finds it difficult to be around him at times because of the nostalgia and Sousuke’s own admittedly-recalcitrant and stubborn attitude. He knows both of them have sometimes wondered if it had been a mistake to team up. But through all of it, the fights and anger and silence, Rin’s stayed with him, given him his space, cared for him, and helped him. Never once has he ever limited or held Sousuke down in any way. Even now, he thought of Sousuke before himself, telling him he never sees him as a tool, but as a friend.
And Sousuke’d hurt him.
Physically and emotionally because of their link. Rin had to weather the swirling maelstrom of anger and frustration and all the other emotions within Sousuke during this time. He felt it probably even more keenly than Sousuke had. Since the moment Sousuke’d come home from the event, even after he refused to tell his god anything at first, Rin had been there. Dealing with it. And never once had Sousuke thanked him or tried to see it from his view. Never fully trusting him or being honest with him. Unwilling to work with him because of his experience. And after he’d torn into Rin for daring to offer his hand in friendship… I’m sorry …it was Rin who’d apologized to him.
The guilt is enormous.
The silent castle looms around him like a mixture of oppressive reminder and quiet welcome. He’s not lost for once, knowing where his feet are taking him as he walks through the hallways. Morning will be here soon, most likely. Another hour, maybe two. It’s still dark outside and the moon is low, turning the sakura trees outside into clouds. They pass by the windows each time he takes a step, wiping his face with shadow and light alternatively. Looking ahead of him, he can’t see the petals’ shadows on the wall. That’s right… The castle, Rin’s temple, is linked to him too. There’s no breeze, there’s no blossoms in the air. It’s silent inside and out. Because the god who fuels it with that passion and brilliance of spirit is wounded. By the person who’s supposed to be his closest companion.
It hurts… Here in his chest, here in his mind. A pain that aches dull and cold like a knife in his body. It weighs him down and thinking even for a moment on his actions towards Rin have his stomach knotting. He shouldn’t feel this way; he shouldn’t be putting Rin under such pressure. But… Rin doesn’t want him to be some statue or slave without feeling. Neither does Sousuke. There’s so much about this he doesn’t understand, doesn’t know how to do. But above all of that, there is one thing right now he knows he must do. Going forward without it is impossible. No matter how much it hurts, it has to be done to stop it from hurting more.
His steps slow and still outside the door. Their door. The one room out of so many that they’d finally chosen as their bedroom. Rin hadn’t listened to Sousuke’s continual intonations of “it’s your castle so you choose” as they looked through the different rooms. No, it had to be selected and approved by both of them. Of course Rin would say such a thing. So, they did. Together. Just like so many other things in this place.
I’ll stay.
Sousuke said those words to him weeks ago, agreeing to be his shinki with those two syllables. To be his shinki and all that it entails.
The device in his hand clicks on, linking privately with the device within the room. He doesn’t know if Rin’s even in the room, doesn’t know if his device is near him right now. But… he can’t face him yet. Not without this. The silence will easily make his voice carry to the microphone.]
Time Skip
Remorseful? Not really; he obviously had his reasons for bringing up that entire post. The shinki and the gods should know about the dangers other gods could and can possess to the shinki, particularly the shinki already named by other gods. Sousuke doesn’t regret the words he’s used or the ideas he’s said. True, they were despondent and abrasive, but of course they were after what he went through. He had the right to be angry and distrusting after the experience, just as he had the right and nigh-obligation to let the others know. But… well, he could have been a little less aggressive now that he came down from his backed-up anger and self-disgust. They really did want to help him.
Which… is the reason for his current state. Because the one who he was supposed to be the closest to, the one who really wants to help him the most, had been the one Sousuke had ripped into the hardest. His relationship with Rin is different than his relationship he had with the others on the network. Rin is his god, and the reason he hated the entire event with Schuldig. Being forced to betray someone he was beginning to open up towards… being reminded of why he shouldn’t trust him despite all the things Rin had done to show Sousuke he could trust him. He knows Rin finds it difficult to be around him at times because of the nostalgia and Sousuke’s own admittedly-recalcitrant and stubborn attitude. He knows both of them have sometimes wondered if it had been a mistake to team up. But through all of it, the fights and anger and silence, Rin’s stayed with him, given him his space, cared for him, and helped him. Never once has he ever limited or held Sousuke down in any way. Even now, he thought of Sousuke before himself, telling him he never sees him as a tool, but as a friend.
And Sousuke’d hurt him.
Physically and emotionally because of their link. Rin had to weather the swirling maelstrom of anger and frustration and all the other emotions within Sousuke during this time. He felt it probably even more keenly than Sousuke had. Since the moment Sousuke’d come home from the event, even after he refused to tell his god anything at first, Rin had been there. Dealing with it. And never once had Sousuke thanked him or tried to see it from his view. Never fully trusting him or being honest with him. Unwilling to work with him because of his experience. And after he’d torn into Rin for daring to offer his hand in friendship… I’m sorry …it was Rin who’d apologized to him.
The guilt is enormous.
The silent castle looms around him like a mixture of oppressive reminder and quiet welcome. He’s not lost for once, knowing where his feet are taking him as he walks through the hallways. Morning will be here soon, most likely. Another hour, maybe two. It’s still dark outside and the moon is low, turning the sakura trees outside into clouds. They pass by the windows each time he takes a step, wiping his face with shadow and light alternatively. Looking ahead of him, he can’t see the petals’ shadows on the wall. That’s right… The castle, Rin’s temple, is linked to him too. There’s no breeze, there’s no blossoms in the air. It’s silent inside and out. Because the god who fuels it with that passion and brilliance of spirit is wounded. By the person who’s supposed to be his closest companion.
It hurts… Here in his chest, here in his mind. A pain that aches dull and cold like a knife in his body. It weighs him down and thinking even for a moment on his actions towards Rin have his stomach knotting. He shouldn’t feel this way; he shouldn’t be putting Rin under such pressure. But… Rin doesn’t want him to be some statue or slave without feeling. Neither does Sousuke. There’s so much about this he doesn’t understand, doesn’t know how to do. But above all of that, there is one thing right now he knows he must do. Going forward without it is impossible. No matter how much it hurts, it has to be done to stop it from hurting more.
His steps slow and still outside the door. Their door. The one room out of so many that they’d finally chosen as their bedroom. Rin hadn’t listened to Sousuke’s continual intonations of “it’s your castle so you choose” as they looked through the different rooms. No, it had to be selected and approved by both of them. Of course Rin would say such a thing. So, they did. Together. Just like so many other things in this place.
I’ll stay.
Sousuke said those words to him weeks ago, agreeing to be his shinki with those two syllables. To be his shinki and all that it entails.
The device in his hand clicks on, linking privately with the device within the room. He doesn’t know if Rin’s even in the room, doesn’t know if his device is near him right now. But… he can’t face him yet. Not without this. The silence will easily make his voice carry to the microphone.]
Gomenasai, Rin.