thefarshore | (no subject)

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From: Anonymous
Date: April 17th

I know this may seem like such a trite and of little worthy regard given all that has happened over the last several weeks, but truly, I am a fool who has allowed their thoughts to be consumed with but one thing when I should be focused on my service here. Forgive this, and my fool's heart, but I feel as if I can no longer simply let this fester in my mind.

What does it mean if the very idea of love brings naught but profound pain? The sort that makes your chest ache tremendously, and your mind to burn as if buried in embers. When the very idea of it inspires tears, and no happiness can be found?

I can find none who know this pain. Am I damaged in some way? Is my mind and heart corrupted by a sort of blight we know not of?

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What would you think would be the burden on their hearts if they did not? It is heavy to watch a person suffer and not try. It destroys the soul.

Compared to that, yes - I will not lie and say it's easy. I won't lie and say it doesn't wear. But a burden spread among many is light. We can bear it.

Edited 2019-03-09 08:33 (UTC)

[ ... ]

You have much wisdom. I am grateful for it. I do not truly feel I am closer to any answer, if such an answer even exists, but even so, I feel some ease. Like a small glimmer of light in this mire.

[He writes I consider myself quite the fool before stopping.

Deleting.

No... I may be an idiot at times, but I'm no fool.]

You honor me greatly.

If your heart is lightened, then I am glad.

At least some. I feel I can, at least, face another day.

The next day is a good start. It is a very good start.

Take this in moments. That's the best advice I can give to you.

I shall keep it ever in my mind.

[ ... ]

Do you have someone you love?

[He was right.

...

ah... that's not easy here, even without the aching.]

I do.

We are together but we are separated by a gulf.

[As Iskandar is a god.

As Waver is a shinki... in form only.

As they must both keep a secret.

It is one of the reasons why Waver has decided to fight back. Because things as they stand will kill them both.]

Then you also suffer.

I wonder if it would truly be worth it, since such a gulf exists between myself and the object of my love as well.

Yes.

Would it be worth it to allow it to remain that way, though? ... it's a difficult question. Each person finds a different answer and sometimes coming to a conclusion is a long, winding process. So don't be worried if you can't answer it yet.

Personally, as someone fighting to bridge that gulf, it's a hard fight, sometimes lonely, even though I'm hardly alone. There's so much of me... what I am... standing in the way. I am my own worst enemy. So I intend to change things where I don't.

So I can get across.

... for me... it's not just a question of it's worth it. It's what I lose if I don't. The one I love is strong and supportive, but I sense a similar pain within them at times.

I refuse to allow the darkness to get them too.

[ She reads over his words again and again, thinking of Agrias as she does so. What they'd lose if she did not... what would become of them if she could not move past this pain, this darkness, even if only a little.

Agrais was so stalwart in her mind. Invincible. But she knew that wasn't true. She could sense it from her, even if her beloved goddess would never dare to speak of it. The hurt in her eyes that was reflected when Agrias realized there was no simple spell that could undo Ovelia's depression. How much it hurt her to see Ovelia struggle... ]

I believe I understand.

[There's a gap in the response and Waver browses the comments again. Winces as the words Talk to your god come up again and again.

Were it ever so easy. Some things Waver must stay silent on or he will fall. That's just the nature of the situation. That is why Waver's trying to change the situation.

Because he knows that until he does and he talks, he won't get Iskandar to truly talk either. And Iskandar will fall.

... they do actually. Gods fall. They just do it in ways different than shinki.]

I believe you do.

And I believe you can make it across to the one you love if that's what you choose.

Time. Small steps, taking it moment by moment. Reach out when you're ready... don't feel pressured into doing it before.

In the meantime, just talk like you have here. That's the key. Even if it's not to them. Even if it's not about this. Every little bit helps in chasing away the darkness, to make every step more sure.

[Talk to your god.

... no, Waver thinks... just talk. That's the solution when there's this kind of problem. Just talk.]

Edited 2019-03-16 11:28 (UTC)

I

will try.

[ Even if she couldn't divorce pain from love, and couldn't begin to fathom why that was, talking to Agrias was something she never found truly difficult. Being around her eased her heart... She could leave the love behind, possibly, with enough time. ]

Thank you, again. I cannot truly express how grateful I am for your wisdom.

[It helped me too.

... because he got to share a bit of what is troubling his soul.]

You're welcome.

I'm here to listen and talk to if you ever need it in the future. You're not alone in this.

Is there a means you preferred to be contacted by?

Email is just fine. I like writing. I think you have my handle?

As strange as these machinations are, I do believe I am competent enough at this point to fair well in obtaining that information.

Technology is a little tricky for me so I am never quite sure when I use this thing if the necessary information is coming across. That's good to hear.

[99.9% of mages are technophobes and live as isolated from technology as possibly. Waver is the rare exception but he is by no means fluent in everything.

This includes social media.]

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